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Web site critique - Please give me a feedback on my text

adlep

adlep

Diamond Member
Here is the deal.
I just started a new kind of a web site called www.dealondell.com
This is a forprofit service. We basically try to take "your" quote on a new Dell setup and beat the price on it. If we can find something cheaper, then we charge a small commission for the effort.

Anyway, as the English isn't my first language I would like to get some feedback in regards to the text used. I want it to be as effective and professional as possible, so ff you will find something that sounds "weird" I would love to know about it.
Please fire away:
Here is dealondell.com once again

P.S. Google ads warning (also the site will look kind of empty with adblock, so feel free to disable it on my site to see the "complete" layout).

In regards to design, this is just a static css site. Based on one of many excellent templates from Open Source Web Design
I will try to convert the site to a cms system if the idea will take off.
😀
Your feedback and criticism is appreciated. Fire away.

 
"Shop smart with DealOnDel.com. Our service might be able"

Typo, forgot the second l in dell

EDIT:

"DealonDell.com is a subsidiary of a ComputerFix. Our computer service company operates in Metro Detroit and so far we have helped hundreds of people and businesses in the South East Michigan."

Capitalize the o in on in your name (gotta be consistent) also change to either "the South East Michigan area", or just "South East Michigan"
 
Originally posted by: BlameCanada
"Shop smart with DealOnDel.com. Our service might be able"

Typo, forgot the second l in dell

EDIT:

"DealonDell.com is a subsidiary of a ComputerFix. Our computer service company operates in Metro Detroit and so far we have helped hundreds of people and businesses in the South East Michigan."

Capitalize the o in on in your name (gotta be consistent) also change to either "the South East Michigan area", or just "South East Michigan"
Click to expand...

Fixed. Thanks

 
a few things scattered throughout the site but i thought this one really needed to be addressed:

From "Why go with Dell?":
"...and they do preload their computer systems with a bunch of junky software."

Try to use a more technical term for 'a bunch of junky software'. As it is, it sounds like a 5th grader or a forum ranter wrote it.
 
Originally posted by: HN
a few things scattered throughout the site but i thought this one really needed to be addressed:

From "Why go with Dell?":
"...and they do preload their computer systems with a bunch of junky software."

Try to use a more technical term for 'a bunch of junky software'. As it is, it sounds like a 5th grader or a forum ranter wrote it.
Click to expand...
I agree:
"and they preload their computer systems with a low quality OEM software."

How does that sound?
Thanks, btw
 
Bump for the evening crowd.
Do you think that the overall text/message on my site makes sense?
Let me know...
Thanks...
 
Overall, what do you think about the site and the idea for the business?
Does it make sense? Is the overall marketing message clear?
😀
 
Originally posted by: adlep
Overall, what do you think about the site and the idea for the business?
Does it make sense? Is the overall marketing message clear?
😀
Click to expand...

Yea, but when you go to it it seems to have the vibe of a scam site. idk
 
Originally posted by: FDF12389
Originally posted by: adlep
Overall, what do you think about the site and the idea for the business?
Does it make sense? Is the overall marketing message clear?
😀
Click to expand...

Yea, but when you go to it it seems to have the vibe of a scam site. idk
Click to expand...

OK. Is there anything I can do so the "vibe" seems legit?

I mean such a service really could save a lot of money to many people.
 
Yea, it really does seem scammy. I think it is the overall layout and white background.

Invest some time in the interface, because that's all a potential customer sees.
 
Originally posted by: adlep
Originally posted by: FDF12389
Originally posted by: adlep
Overall, what do you think about the site and the idea for the business?
Does it make sense? Is the overall marketing message clear?
😀
Click to expand...

Yea, but when you go to it it seems to have the vibe of a scam site. idk
Click to expand...

OK. Is there anything I can do so the "vibe" seems legit?

I mean such a service really could save a lot of money to many people.
Click to expand...

Picture of a storefront couldnt hurt.
 
Originally posted by: FDF12389
Also adding a phone number and mailing address.
Click to expand...

Agreed. Store front, phone number urging people to call you ... customer testimonials. Examples of the same configuration at different prices.
 
Thanks for the feedback so far.
So far I have to expand the contact details and consider adding customer testimonials somehow. In regards to the "examples" they are already specified.
 
Originally posted by: adlep
Thanks for the feedback so far.
So far I have to expand the contact details and consider adding customer testimonials somehow. In regards to the "examples" they are already specified.
Click to expand...

Good luck with it, and if/when the service gains popularity, let us know how well you are banking!
 
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