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Wanted: All intellectual quotes!!! Please post yours here
- Thread starter rutchtkim
- Start date
Brutuskend
Lifer
Religion scares the HELL out of me!
OREOSpeedwagon
Diamond Member
"i'll tacke a choclit milk plees."
wfbberzerker
Lifer
i was gonna write something, but i completely blanked before i reached the end of all the posts.
EDIT: Oh yeah!
3 is a magic number. - Schoolhouse Rock
EDIT: Oh yeah!
3 is a magic number. - Schoolhouse Rock
datalink7
Lifer
I don't feel like cutting and pasting, so here are my quotes that I have collected over the years and you can find what you like (I just put them in a word document when I found one I liked):
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it" -- Richard Feynman
"Don't try and bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead, remember that their is no spoon. Then you will see that it is not the spoon that is bending, only yourself." -The Matrix
"I watched the ripples change in size but never leave the stream...so the days float through my eye but still the days seem the same."
-David Bowie, Changes
"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."
-John Lennon, Beautiful Boy.
"What is real? If real is what we can see, touch, taste, and smell then 'real' is merely electronic impulses interpreted by our brain."
-The Matrix
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step." -Chinese Proverb
"If you love something, set if free. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it." -unknown
"If you don't even give a thought to the wackos on the streets that go around saying they are god, why on earth would you believe some guy who went around saying it two thousand years ago?" -Unknown
"Happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get." -Unknown
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." -Anonymous
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
-Anonymous
"Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." -Roman Proverb
"Death: to stop sinning suddenly." -Anonymous
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic." -Joseph Stalin
"A wise man knows that he knows nothing" -Unknown
-"All truth is simple" Is that not doubly a lie? - Nietzsche
-Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. - Nietzsche
-Ah, Women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. - Nietzsche
-"In individuals stupidity is rare, but in large groups it is rule" - Nietzsche
##Habitation Dome
#FAC25
^ I sit in my cubicle, here on the motherworld.
^ When I die, they will put my body in a box and
^ dispose of it in the cold ground.
^ And in all the million ages to come, I will never
^ breathe or laugh or twitch again.
^ So won't you run and play with me here among the
^ teeming mass of humanity?
^ The universe has spared us this moment.
^
^ -- Anonymous, Datalinks
"I close my eyes... only for a moment and the moments gone. All my dreams... pass before my eyes; a curiosity. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind"
-Kansas, Dust in the wind.
"He who laughs, lasts" -unknown
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
-- Albert Einstein
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
-- George Carlin
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-- Anonymous
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."
-Chinese Proverb
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
-Winston Churchill
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."
-Churchill
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
-Vernon Law, baseball pitcher
"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."
-Abraham Maslow
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won.
There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end
they always fall. Think of it... always."
-Mahatma Gandhi
"Skepticism is a virtue, but risks becoming cynicism. Cynicism is a vice. Faith is a virtue,
but risks becoming belief. This is a weakness. May we hold skepticism close; May faith hold
us closer. But let us not belittle the beliefs of others, For although beliefs are legion
they may lead to faith, And faith is one."
--Robert Fripp's Diary, Sunday 31st. October, 1999; 17.43
"I'm going to rent myself a house in the shade of a freeway. Going to pack my lunch in the morning,
and go to work each day. And when the evening rolls around, I go on home to lay my body down.
And when the morning light comes streaming in, I'm going to get up and do it again... amen. Say it again... amen."
--Jackson Browne, The Pretender.
##Nonlinear Mathematics
#TECH8
There are two kinds of scientific progress: the methodical
experimentation and categorization which gradually extend the
boundaries of knowledge, and the revolutionary leap of genius
which redefines and transcends those boundaries. Acknowledging
our debt to the former, we yearn nonetheless for the latter.
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "Address to the Faculty"
##Controlled Singularity
#TECH27
Some would ask, how could a perfect God create a universe filled
with so much that is evil. They have missed a greater conundrum:
why would a perfect God create a universe at all?
^
^ -- Sister Miriam Godwinson,
^ "But for the Grace of God"
#TECH32
If our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras, perhaps
this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species. As our
collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point, we are
at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth: that life's only
purpose is life itself.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Looking God in the Eye"
##Self-Aware Machines
#TECH34
Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without
understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content
are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.
^
^ -- Immanuel Kant,
^ "Critique of Pure Reason", Datalinks
##Intellectual Integrity
#TECH37
Man's unfailing capacity to believe what he prefers to be true
rather than what the evidence shows to be likely and possible has
always astounded me. We long for a caring Universe which will save
us from our childish mistakes, and in the face of mountains of
evidence to the contrary we will pin all our hopes on the slimmest
of doubts.
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "For I Have Tasted The Fruit"
##Bio-Engineering
#TECH50
Why do you insist that the human genetic code is "sacred" or "taboo"?
It is a chemical process and nothing more. For that matter -we- are
chemical processes and nothing more. If you deny yourself a useful
tool simply because it reminds you uncomfortably of your mortality,
you have uselessly and pointlessly crippled yourself.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Looking God in the Eye"
##The Will to Power
#TECH55
Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman--a rope
over an abyss. A dangerous across, a dangerous on-the-way,
a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous shuddering and
stopping. What is great in man is that he is a bridge and
not an end: what can be loved in man is that he is an overture
and a going under. I love those who do not know how to
live, for they are those who cross over.
^
^ -- Friedrich Nietzsche,
^ "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", Datalinks
##Environmental Economics
#TECH59
^ We sit together,
^ the mountain and I,
^ until only the mountain remains
^
^ -- Li Po,
^ From the Yang Collection
##Adv. Ecological Engineering
#TECH62
^ You are the children of a dead planet, earthdeirdre, and
^ this death we do not comprehend. We shall take you in, but
^ may we ask this question--will we too catch the planetdeath
^ disease?
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations with Planet"
##Advanced Spaceflight
#TECH66
And so we return again to the holy void. Some say this is simply our
destiny, but I would have you remember always that the void EXISTS,
just as surely as you or I. Is nothingness any less a miracle than
substance?
^
^ -- Sister Miriam Godwinson,
^ "We Must Dissent"
#PROJECT0
To map the very stuff of life; to look into the
genetic mirror and watch a million generations
march past. That, friends, is both our curse and
our proudest achievement. For it is in reaching to our
beginnings that we begin to learn who we truly are.
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "Address to the Faculty"
##The Virtual World
#PROJECT6
What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no
more than information before the senses, data fed to the
computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received
the information, now act on it. Take control of the input and
you shall become master of the output.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Essays on Mind and Matter"
##The Ascetic Virtues
#PROJECT13
Learn to overcome the crass demands of flesh and bone, for they
warp the matrix through which we perceive the world. Extend your
awareness outward, beyond the self of body, to embrace the self
of group and the self of humanity. The goals of the group and the
greater race are transcendent, and to embrace them is to achieve
enlightenment.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Essays on Mind and Matter"
##The Theory of Everything
#PROJECT18
The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but one cannot stay in the
cradle forever.
^
^ -- Konstantin Tsiolkovsky,
^ The Father of Rocketry, Datalinks
##Skunkworks
#FAC10
The popular stereotype of the researcher is that of a skeptic and a
pessimist. Nothing could be further from the truth! Scientists
must be optimists at heart, in order to block out the incessant
chorus of those who say "It cannot be done."
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ University Commencement
##Nanohospital
#FAC18
It is a medical commonplace that the tissues of the human body
replace themselves regularly, essentially creating an entirely
new body every seven years. From whence then come cancer and the
slow degeneration of age? They exist as faults in the patterns of
intelligence within the genes themselves; by reprogramming these
smallest parts, the whole becomes well.
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "Nonlinear Genetics"
##Nanoreplicator
#FAC20
Look at any photograph or work of art. If you could duplicate
exactly the first tiny dot of color, and then the next and the
next, you would end with a perfect copy of the whole,
indistinguishable from the original in every way, including
the so-called "moral value" of the art itself. Nothing can
transcend its smallest elements.
^
^ -- CEO Nwabudike Morgan,
^ "The Ethics of Greed"
##Aerospace Complex
#FAC29
You are orphans, earthdeirdre, your homeworld already buried
so young among the aeons. Yet now you fill the skies where
we watched a million sunsets with flame and contrails, paying
no heed to the hard lessons the universe has tried to teach you.
Are you a breath of life to invigorate a complacent world,
you earthhumans, or an insidious cancer which must be excised?
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations With Planet"
##Bioenhancement Center
#FAC30
We are all aware that the senses can be deceived, the eyes fooled.
But how can we be sure our senses are not being deceived at any
particular time, or even all the time? Might I just be a brain in
a tank somewhere, tricked all my life into believing in the events
of this world by some insane computer? And does my life gain or lose
meaning based on my reaction to such solipsism?
^
^ -- Project PYRRHO, Specimen 46, Vat 7
^ Activity Recorded M.Y. 2302.22467
^ TERMINATION OF SPECIMEN ADVISED
##Mass to Energy
#FAC38
I hold a scrap of paper in the darkness and
light it. I watch it burn bright and curl, disappearing
into nothingness, and the heat burns my fingers.
Where has it gone? What has it become? I cannot shake
the feeling that I have witnessed a form of transcendence.
^
^ -- Commissioner Pravin Lal,
^ "The Convergence"
?Life?s just a show, keep them laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.? --Eric Idel
?On this planet, every 10 seconds, a women is giving birth. That women must be found and stopped.? -- George Bernard Shaw
Windows is a pane in the glass.
Go ahead, make my data.
Error - Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue; Press any other key to quit.
"If Clinton is the answer, then someone asked a very stupid question!"
"Your mouse has moved. Windows must be rebooted for the change to take effect. Reboot Windows now?"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."
"There are 2 rules for ultimate success in life:
1) Never tell everything you know."
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
"There are three kinds of people in this world...those who can count, and those who can't."
"The early bird may get the worm...but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm trying to see things from your perspective but I can't get my head that far up my ass."
"Windows is a 32-bit patch to a 16-bit GUI for an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition."
If something is jammed, force it. If it breaks it needed to be fixed in the first place.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
The best way to take an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, you probably deserved it.
"I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am."
"Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me"."
A man is not complete until he is married, then he is finished.
"I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?"
"You Klingon sons! You killed my bastard... no, wait..."
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
"Computer nerd? Oh, no. I only play with my computer on days that end in 'Y.'"
"Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that."
"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."
"Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"It's with gun in hand that this fox really rocks."
"If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', what is the opposite of 'progress'?"
"It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm."
"The next time I run into you, I hope I'm in my car." - Janier
"Never lie. That way you don't have to remember anything."
"He's not as big a fool as he was." "Smarter?" "No, thinner."
"I can see the synapses beginning to fire behind your eyes." Londo
"So you feel like you're being symbolically cast...in a bad light." Ivanova
"But Officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here!"
"Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative."
Old programmers never die; they exit to a higher shell.
We choose our joys and our sorrows long before we experience them.
"He was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open."
"We're attempting to exhume this potato." Mulder
"Outnumbered 20,000 to 2...... and we killed them both." Aragorn
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
"And now, @LN@, we will discuss the location of the Rebel base."
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
"And when was your tongue last sharpened?"
"Expect no fairness where my vital interests are concerned."
Never trust a programmer who carries a screwdriver.
"Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun." -- Ashe
History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
You cannot kill time without assaulting eternity.
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. "
- General George Patton (1885-1945)
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. "
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"If you call me insane again, I'll eat your other eye."
· Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
To the world, you may only be a person
But, to a person, you may be the world.
"Looking hard into your eye's, there was nobody I had ever known. Such an empty surprise, to feel so alone. How long have I been sleeping, how long have I been drifting alone through alone in the night. How long have I been dreaming I could make it right. If I close my eye's and tried with all my might to be the one you love."
--Late for the Sky, Jackson Browne
"Never fear shadows for they simply mean there is a light shinning somewhere nearby..."
"If ignorance is bliss, why isn't the world happier?"
<< "Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." - Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Doh! ? Homer Simpson
He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
Albert Einstein
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening
Men have two major organs, the brain and the penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Eric Idle
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
HL Mencken
"Anything, right or wrong, can be justified, with enough time and reasons, right or wrong."
"It used to be that I was afraid of dying alone. Now, more than anything else, I fear living alone." -Thomas Anthony Perez, Sr.
Millions cried
Millions died
and still the sun rose
Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistant one. - Al Einstein
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. "
- Galileo Galilei
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. "
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. "
- Steven Wright
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. "
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"I'll sleep when I'm dead."
- Warren Zevon
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds. "
- Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
"Wine comes in at the mouth, and love comes in at the eye.
I lift the glass to my mouth, I look at you and sigh."
"First they arrested the Communists -- but I was not a Communist, so I did nothing. Then they came for the Social Democrats, but I was not a Social Democrat, so I did nothing. Then they arrested the trade unionists -- and I did nothing because I was not one. And then they came for the Jews and the Catholics, but I was neither a Jew nor a Catholic and I did nothing. At last they came and arrested me -- and there was no one left to do anything about it."
- Rev Martin Niemoller (Nazi Prison Survivor)
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen
The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. Henri Bergson
"Without education, we are in a
horrible and deadly danger of taking
educated people seriously."
-- G.K. Chesterton
From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen.
--Cat Stevens, Father and Son
"When you dont like your job you dont strike. You go in and do it really half assed. THATS THE AMERICAN WAY!" -Homer-
?Its my life. Its now or never. I?m not going to live forever. I just want to live while I?m alive.?
-Bon Jovi, Its my Life
"The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion."
-L. Ron Hubbard, 19?? prior to founding the Church of Scientology
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would
indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment
and hope of reward after death."
-Albert Einstein
"Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies."
-Thomas Jefferson
"Christianity...(has become) the most perverted system that ever shone on
man. Rogueries, absurdities and untruths were perpetrated upon the
teachings of Jesus by a large band of dupes and importers led by Paul, the
first great corrupter of the teaching of Jesus."
-Thomas Jefferson
"Religion is all bunk."
-Thomas Edison
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-Stephen Roberts
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quiet."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the
study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it
proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and
it admits of no conclusion."
-Thomas Paine
"I don't think we're [here] for anything, we're just products of evolution.
You can say 'Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think
there's a purpose' but I'm anticipating a good lunch."
-Dr. James Watson, Nobel laureate Biophysicist,
co-discoverer of DNA
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it
is the parts that I do understand."
-Mark Twain
"I don't believe in God. My god is patriotism. Teach a man to be a good
citizen and you have solved the problem of life."
-Andrew Carnegie
"In God we rust."
-Gordon Charrick
"We found that we didn't have much problem with him [Jesus Christ], it was
his followers we found questionable."
-Graham Chapman (discussing making of "Life of Brian")
"What is religion except a way to escape from reality? It's just another
drug. I can't really tell the difference between a clan or a militia or a
church or a cult. They're all the same thing."
-Kieth Akins (Anthropolgist who infiltrated the KKK)
"Organized religion: The world's largest pyramid scheme."
-Bernard Katz
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to
create him."
-Arthur C. Clarke
Procrastination is like masturbation, they're both fun 'till you realize you're f**king yourself
"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box"
I am Stoner of Borg. Resistance is, ummm, like, I forget.
<< What my question is about the current abortion law. Why is it that it is felt that the mother has the choice to kill her baby, but the father has no input into the decision? >>
Because by the twisted and manufactured "constitutional law" the Supreme Court used to reach the decision in Roe v. Wade, there is no other possible alternative. How can you premise the "right" to abortion on the (Constitutionally non-existent) right to privacy, then turn around and allow a second party (i.e. the man) to have any input into the what was just deemed a Constitutionally protected private matter for the woman alone (and perhaps her doctor as well in a professional consultation role)?
Of course, nothing is ever without its repercussions, and women are reaping the whirlwind for their great "victory" in that as men are cut out of the family planning process, and as the ultimate decision making power falls to the woman, men are in droves refusing to acknowledge any responsibility in the process of raising children. Couple that with the other great feminist "victory", no-fault divorce, and you have a recipe for skyrocketing single motherhood. So congratulations feminist women, for your troubles of securing your ultimate, God and Supreme Court-given right to have an abortion, you've effectively resigned an entire generation of children (and working on two generations now) to a marginal family experience, when one exists at all. What is it, like 70% of black children who are now born out of wedlock? Your children (should you decide to have them) will no doubt be proud.
--glenn1 @ anandtech forums.
"Never Argue With An Idiot. They?ll Lower You To Their Level And Then Beat You With Experience."
Subject: Bill Gates' Advice
Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair -get used to it.
RULE2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -they called it opportunity. .
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about' your mistakes, take responsibility and learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. .
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some
schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
?Conservative. A Statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.? ?Ambrose Bierce (1891)
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
- Marcus Aurelius
"If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you." -Fyodor Dostoyevsky
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.- David Comins
"Although he considers himself a conservative, O'Rourke was quick to degrade both Democrats and Republicans. He described the Democrats as politicians for government activism who, among other things, promise to take 10 strokes off your golf game. Republicans, on the other hand, "say government doesn't work, get elected, and then prove it." O'Rourke also noted the differences between businessmen and politicians. He said businessmen ruin the country, but, "at least they make a buck," while politicians "do it for the fun of it."
Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by those who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
-Elbert Hubbard in The Philistine
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
-Anon
talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
-Euripides, The Bacchae
Life is a journey. It is not a guided tour.
-Anon
Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
-Chapman Cohen
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to
create him."
-Arthur C. Clarke
Wherever you go, there you are?Yogi Berra
"Your best? Only losers whine about their best. Winners go home and fvck the prom queen!"?Sean Connery, The Rock
Procrastination is like masturbation.... it's all good until you realize you are just fu*king yourself.....
-Unknown
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I
want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare
and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made"
- M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,
quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love
and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags
his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep
abreast of current events. The ground is a giant
dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking
dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent,
are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never
washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees
us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and
to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room
furniture unless absolutely certain that he can
hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo
is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a
puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person." - Andrew A. Rooney
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best
friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the
most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is
that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and
very, very few persons." - James Thurber
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? ? Epicurus
Eeyore," he said solemnly, "I, Winnie-The-Pooh, will find your tail for you." "Thank you, Pooh," answered Eeyore. "You're a real friend," said he. "Not like some," he said.
"Pooh knew what he meant, but being a Bear of Very Little Brain, couldn't think of the words."
"As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen." - Pooh
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever.
Not even when I'm a hundred," said Christopher Robin.
Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-Nine."
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why
he never understands anything.
"I have a house where I go
When there's too many people,
I have a house where I go
Where no one can be;
I have a house where I go,
Where nobody ever says "No,"
Where no one says anything - so
There is no one buy me." - Pooh
"....when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of things, you find sometimes that a thing which seemed very thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it." -Pooh
"Hallo, Rabbit," he said, "is that you?"
"Let's pretend it isn't," said Rabbit, "and see what happens."
"...in a very little time they got to the corner of the field by the side of the pine-wook, where Eeyore's house wasn't any longer. "There!" said Eeyore. "Not a stick of it left! Of course, I've still got the snow to do what I like with. One musn't complain."
"I shall sing the first line twice, and perhaps if I sing it very quickly, I shall find myself singing the third and fourth lines before I have time to think of them, and that will be a good song. Now then...." - Pooh
...Eeyore was saying to himself, "This writing business. Pencils and whatnot. Over-rated, if you ask me. Silly stuff. Nothing in it."
....Piglet explained to Tigger that he musn't mind what Eeyore said because he was always gloomy; and Eeyore explained to Piglet that, on the contrary, he was feeling particularly cheerful this morning.
"Or suppose I get stuck in his front door again, coming out, as I did once when his front door wasn't big enough?"
"Because I know I'm not getting fatter, but his front door may be getting thinner." - Pooh
The old grey donkey, Eeyore, stood by himself in a thistly corner of the forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore, " and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which" - and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.
"Hallo, Eeyore," they called out cheerfully.
"Ah!" said Eeyore. "Lost your way?"
"We just came to see you," said Piglet. "And to see how your house was. Look, Pooh, it's still standing!"
"I know," said Eeyore. "Very odd. Somebody ought to have come down and pushed it over."
"We wondered whether the wind would blow it down," said Pooh.
"Ah, that's why nobody's bothered, I suppose. I thought perhaps they'd forgotten."
"We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?" asked Piglet.
"Even longer," Pooh answered.
Anyone perfect must be lying
Anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely
Anyone loved can be lost.
--
"Great nations do not fall because of fear, they fall because the forget that fear exists."
--
"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f**king big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers..... Choose DIY and wondering who the f**k you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life..... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"
--
Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. - Gandalf
--
It's that dawning moment of comprehension that I live for.
-- Calvin
There are two basic laws of customer service:
1-Customers are always right.
2-They must be punished for their arrogance.
--
One must make one's self superior to humanity,
in power, in loftiness of soul--in contempt.
--Friedrich W. Nietzche
Dear World,
I understand that you are upset with us, here in Israel. Indeed, it
appears that you are quite upset, even angry. (Outraged?) Indeed, every
few years you seem to become upset by us.
Today, it is the "brutal repression of the Palestinians". Yesterday it was
Lebanon; before that it was the bombing of the nuclear reactor in Baghdad
(1981) and the Yom Kippur War (1973) and the Six Days War (1967) and the
Sinai Campaign (1956), and our independence (1948). It appears that Jews
who take care of themselves and who, therefore, remain alive, upset you
most extraordinarily.
Of course, dear world, long before there was an Israel, we - the Jewish
people - upset you.
We upset the German people who elected Hitler and we upset the Austrian
people who cheered his entry into Vienna and We upset a whole slew of
Slavic nations: Poles, Slovaks, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, Russians,
Hungarians and Romanians.
And we go back a long, long way in the history of world upset. We upset the
Cossacks of Chamielnitzki who massacred tens of thousands of us in 1648-49;
We upset the Crusaders who, on their way to liberate the Holy Land, were so
upset at Jews that they slaughtered untold numbers of us.
For centuries, we upset a Roman Catholic Church that did its best to define
our relationship through inquisitions, and we upset the archenemy of the
church, Martin Luther, who, in his call to burn the synagogues and the Jews
within them, showed an admirable Christian ecumenical spirit.
And it is because we became so upset over upsetting you - dear world - that we
decided to "leave" you - in a manner of speaking - and establish a
Jewish state. The reasoning was that living in close contact with you, as
resident-strangers in the various countries that comprise you, we upset
you, irritate you and disturb you. What better notion, then, than to leave
you and thus love you and have you love us? And so we decided to come
home to the same homeland from which we were driven out 1,900 years
earlier by a Roman world that, apparently, we also upset.
Alas, dear world, it appears that you are hard to please. Having left you
and your pogroms and inquisitions and crusades and holocausts, having
taken our leave of the general world to live alone in our own little
state, we continue to upset you.
You are deeply angered over the fact that we do not give up the lands
of1967, which are clearly the obstacle to peace in the Middle East. Moscow
is upset and Paris is upset. London too is sometimes upset. The
"radical" Arabs are upset and the gentle Egyptian moderates are upset.
Well, dear world, consider the reaction of a normal Jew from Israel: In
1920 and 1921 and 1929, there were no territories of 1967 to impede peace
between Jews and Arabs. Infect, there was no Jewish State to upset
anybody. Nevertheless, the same oppressed and repressed Palestinians
slaughtered tens of Jews in Jerusalem, Jaffa, Safed and Hebron.
Some 67 Jews were slaughtered in one day in Hebron in 1929. Dear world, Why
did the Arabs - the Palestinians - massacre 67 Jews in one day in 1929?
Could it have been their anger over Israeli aggression in 1967?
And why were 510 Jewish men, women and children slaughtered in Arab riots
between 1936-39? Was it because Arabs were upset over 1967?
And when you, world, proposed a UN Partition Plan in 1947 that would have
created a "Palestinian State" alongside a tiny little "Jewish homeland"
(smaller then Israel BEFORE 1967) the Arabs cried "NO" and initiated a war
in which 6,000 Jews were killed (10% of the Jewish population at that
time). Was that "upset" caused by the aggression of 1967? And, by the way,
dear world, why did we not hear your cry of being "upset" then?
The Palestinians today (who kill Jews with explosives and firebombs) are
part of the same people who - when they HAD all those territories -
attempted to drive the Jews into the sea.
The same twisted faces, the same hate, the same cry of "itbach-al-yahud"
(Massacre the Jew!) that we hear and see today, were seen and heard then.
The same people, the same dream - to destroy Israel and massacre all the
Jews. What they failed to do yesterday, they dream of today.
Dear world,
You stood by during the holocaust when 6,000,000 Jews - men, women and
children - where slaughtered.
You stood by in 1948 as seven states launched a war that the Arab League
proudly compared to the "Mongol massacres". 100,000,000 Arabs against a
Jewish population of 600,000 people (at that time) - and we survived. Not
only that, we even won the war.
You stood by in 1967 as Nasser, wildly cheered by wild mobs in every Arab
capital in the world, vowed to drive the Jews into the sea. And we won
again.
You stood by in 1973 when both Egypt and Suriyah - enforced by Iraq -
launched a war in order to destroy Israel. Israel was under an existential
threat. And we survived and won once again.
And since we know that the Arabs-Palestinians dream daily of that
extinction (did anybody ever bothered to ask their spokesmen, what really
do they mean by the term "occupied territories")
we will do everything possible to remain alive in our own land. Because, we
have no other safe place on this planet.
If that bothers you dear world, well, think of how many times in the past
you bothered us.
Shalom uvrachah
In peace and blessings
Rabbi Peter E. Tarlow
"I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws" - Friedrich Nietzsche
The quotes that follow are of George S. Patton:
No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country
[Part of a speech given to soldiers prior to D-Day]
There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this war is over and you are home once again. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great World War II, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, "Well, your Granddaddy shoveled sh*t in Louisiana." No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, "Son, your Granddaddy rode with the Great Third Army and a Son-of-a-Goddamned-Bitch named Georgie Patton!"
[Excerpt from a prayer to God during the Battle of the Bulge]
?Sir, I have never been unreasonable man, I am not going to ask you for the impossible? all I request is four days of clear weather? so that my fighter-bombers can bomb and strafe, so that my reconnaissance may pick out targets for my magnificent artillery. Give me four days of sunshine to dry this blasted mud? I need these four days to send von Rundstedt and his godless army to their Valhalla. I am sick of the unnecessary butchery of American youth, and in exchange for four days of fighting weather, I will deliver You enough Krauts to keep Your bookkeepers months behind in their work. Amen.?
[Excerpt from a lecture]
"The way most new soldiers use their rifles, they are of no more use than a pecker is to the Pope"
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we?d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
OMG!!! OH NO! AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! NOOOOOO!O!OO!O!!!!-Ameesh @anandtech\
God created man in his image, and man, being a gentleman, returned the compliment.
--George Bernard Shaw
Voltaire, on his death bed is asked by a priest to renounce Satan. Voltaire responded with:
"Now, my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities." Ayn Rand
"Genius? Nothing! Sticking to it is the genius! ... I've failed my way to success."
--Thomas Edison
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it" -- Richard Feynman
"Don't try and bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead, remember that their is no spoon. Then you will see that it is not the spoon that is bending, only yourself." -The Matrix
"I watched the ripples change in size but never leave the stream...so the days float through my eye but still the days seem the same."
-David Bowie, Changes
"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans."
-John Lennon, Beautiful Boy.
"What is real? If real is what we can see, touch, taste, and smell then 'real' is merely electronic impulses interpreted by our brain."
-The Matrix
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step." -Chinese Proverb
"If you love something, set if free. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it." -unknown
"If you don't even give a thought to the wackos on the streets that go around saying they are god, why on earth would you believe some guy who went around saying it two thousand years ago?" -Unknown
"Happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get." -Unknown
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." -Anonymous
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
-Anonymous
"Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." -Roman Proverb
"Death: to stop sinning suddenly." -Anonymous
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic." -Joseph Stalin
"A wise man knows that he knows nothing" -Unknown
-"All truth is simple" Is that not doubly a lie? - Nietzsche
-Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. - Nietzsche
-Ah, Women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. - Nietzsche
-"In individuals stupidity is rare, but in large groups it is rule" - Nietzsche
##Habitation Dome
#FAC25
^ I sit in my cubicle, here on the motherworld.
^ When I die, they will put my body in a box and
^ dispose of it in the cold ground.
^ And in all the million ages to come, I will never
^ breathe or laugh or twitch again.
^ So won't you run and play with me here among the
^ teeming mass of humanity?
^ The universe has spared us this moment.
^
^ -- Anonymous, Datalinks
"I close my eyes... only for a moment and the moments gone. All my dreams... pass before my eyes; a curiosity. Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind"
-Kansas, Dust in the wind.
"He who laughs, lasts" -unknown
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
-- Albert Einstein
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
-- George Carlin
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-- Anonymous
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."
-Chinese Proverb
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
-Winston Churchill
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on."
-Churchill
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
-Vernon Law, baseball pitcher
"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."
-Abraham Maslow
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won.
There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end
they always fall. Think of it... always."
-Mahatma Gandhi
"Skepticism is a virtue, but risks becoming cynicism. Cynicism is a vice. Faith is a virtue,
but risks becoming belief. This is a weakness. May we hold skepticism close; May faith hold
us closer. But let us not belittle the beliefs of others, For although beliefs are legion
they may lead to faith, And faith is one."
--Robert Fripp's Diary, Sunday 31st. October, 1999; 17.43
"I'm going to rent myself a house in the shade of a freeway. Going to pack my lunch in the morning,
and go to work each day. And when the evening rolls around, I go on home to lay my body down.
And when the morning light comes streaming in, I'm going to get up and do it again... amen. Say it again... amen."
--Jackson Browne, The Pretender.
##Nonlinear Mathematics
#TECH8
There are two kinds of scientific progress: the methodical
experimentation and categorization which gradually extend the
boundaries of knowledge, and the revolutionary leap of genius
which redefines and transcends those boundaries. Acknowledging
our debt to the former, we yearn nonetheless for the latter.
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "Address to the Faculty"
##Controlled Singularity
#TECH27
Some would ask, how could a perfect God create a universe filled
with so much that is evil. They have missed a greater conundrum:
why would a perfect God create a universe at all?
^
^ -- Sister Miriam Godwinson,
^ "But for the Grace of God"
#TECH32
If our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras, perhaps
this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species. As our
collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point, we are
at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth: that life's only
purpose is life itself.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Looking God in the Eye"
##Self-Aware Machines
#TECH34
Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without
understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content
are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.
^
^ -- Immanuel Kant,
^ "Critique of Pure Reason", Datalinks
##Intellectual Integrity
#TECH37
Man's unfailing capacity to believe what he prefers to be true
rather than what the evidence shows to be likely and possible has
always astounded me. We long for a caring Universe which will save
us from our childish mistakes, and in the face of mountains of
evidence to the contrary we will pin all our hopes on the slimmest
of doubts.
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "For I Have Tasted The Fruit"
##Bio-Engineering
#TECH50
Why do you insist that the human genetic code is "sacred" or "taboo"?
It is a chemical process and nothing more. For that matter -we- are
chemical processes and nothing more. If you deny yourself a useful
tool simply because it reminds you uncomfortably of your mortality,
you have uselessly and pointlessly crippled yourself.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Looking God in the Eye"
##The Will to Power
#TECH55
Man is a rope, tied between beast and overman--a rope
over an abyss. A dangerous across, a dangerous on-the-way,
a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous shuddering and
stopping. What is great in man is that he is a bridge and
not an end: what can be loved in man is that he is an overture
and a going under. I love those who do not know how to
live, for they are those who cross over.
^
^ -- Friedrich Nietzsche,
^ "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", Datalinks
##Environmental Economics
#TECH59
^ We sit together,
^ the mountain and I,
^ until only the mountain remains
^
^ -- Li Po,
^ From the Yang Collection
##Adv. Ecological Engineering
#TECH62
^ You are the children of a dead planet, earthdeirdre, and
^ this death we do not comprehend. We shall take you in, but
^ may we ask this question--will we too catch the planetdeath
^ disease?
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations with Planet"
##Advanced Spaceflight
#TECH66
And so we return again to the holy void. Some say this is simply our
destiny, but I would have you remember always that the void EXISTS,
just as surely as you or I. Is nothingness any less a miracle than
substance?
^
^ -- Sister Miriam Godwinson,
^ "We Must Dissent"
#PROJECT0
To map the very stuff of life; to look into the
genetic mirror and watch a million generations
march past. That, friends, is both our curse and
our proudest achievement. For it is in reaching to our
beginnings that we begin to learn who we truly are.
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "Address to the Faculty"
##The Virtual World
#PROJECT6
What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no
more than information before the senses, data fed to the
computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received
the information, now act on it. Take control of the input and
you shall become master of the output.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Essays on Mind and Matter"
##The Ascetic Virtues
#PROJECT13
Learn to overcome the crass demands of flesh and bone, for they
warp the matrix through which we perceive the world. Extend your
awareness outward, beyond the self of body, to embrace the self
of group and the self of humanity. The goals of the group and the
greater race are transcendent, and to embrace them is to achieve
enlightenment.
^
^ -- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang,
^ "Essays on Mind and Matter"
##The Theory of Everything
#PROJECT18
The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but one cannot stay in the
cradle forever.
^
^ -- Konstantin Tsiolkovsky,
^ The Father of Rocketry, Datalinks
##Skunkworks
#FAC10
The popular stereotype of the researcher is that of a skeptic and a
pessimist. Nothing could be further from the truth! Scientists
must be optimists at heart, in order to block out the incessant
chorus of those who say "It cannot be done."
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ University Commencement
##Nanohospital
#FAC18
It is a medical commonplace that the tissues of the human body
replace themselves regularly, essentially creating an entirely
new body every seven years. From whence then come cancer and the
slow degeneration of age? They exist as faults in the patterns of
intelligence within the genes themselves; by reprogramming these
smallest parts, the whole becomes well.
^
^ -- Academician Prokhor Zakharov,
^ "Nonlinear Genetics"
##Nanoreplicator
#FAC20
Look at any photograph or work of art. If you could duplicate
exactly the first tiny dot of color, and then the next and the
next, you would end with a perfect copy of the whole,
indistinguishable from the original in every way, including
the so-called "moral value" of the art itself. Nothing can
transcend its smallest elements.
^
^ -- CEO Nwabudike Morgan,
^ "The Ethics of Greed"
##Aerospace Complex
#FAC29
You are orphans, earthdeirdre, your homeworld already buried
so young among the aeons. Yet now you fill the skies where
we watched a million sunsets with flame and contrails, paying
no heed to the hard lessons the universe has tried to teach you.
Are you a breath of life to invigorate a complacent world,
you earthhumans, or an insidious cancer which must be excised?
^
^ -- Lady Deirdre Skye,
^ "Conversations With Planet"
##Bioenhancement Center
#FAC30
We are all aware that the senses can be deceived, the eyes fooled.
But how can we be sure our senses are not being deceived at any
particular time, or even all the time? Might I just be a brain in
a tank somewhere, tricked all my life into believing in the events
of this world by some insane computer? And does my life gain or lose
meaning based on my reaction to such solipsism?
^
^ -- Project PYRRHO, Specimen 46, Vat 7
^ Activity Recorded M.Y. 2302.22467
^ TERMINATION OF SPECIMEN ADVISED
##Mass to Energy
#FAC38
I hold a scrap of paper in the darkness and
light it. I watch it burn bright and curl, disappearing
into nothingness, and the heat burns my fingers.
Where has it gone? What has it become? I cannot shake
the feeling that I have witnessed a form of transcendence.
^
^ -- Commissioner Pravin Lal,
^ "The Convergence"
?Life?s just a show, keep them laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you.? --Eric Idel
?On this planet, every 10 seconds, a women is giving birth. That women must be found and stopped.? -- George Bernard Shaw
Windows is a pane in the glass.
Go ahead, make my data.
Error - Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Press any key to continue; Press any other key to quit.
"If Clinton is the answer, then someone asked a very stupid question!"
"Your mouse has moved. Windows must be rebooted for the change to take effect. Reboot Windows now?"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."
"There are 2 rules for ultimate success in life:
1) Never tell everything you know."
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
"There are three kinds of people in this world...those who can count, and those who can't."
"The early bird may get the worm...but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm trying to see things from your perspective but I can't get my head that far up my ass."
"Windows is a 32-bit patch to a 16-bit GUI for an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition."
If something is jammed, force it. If it breaks it needed to be fixed in the first place.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
The best way to take an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, you probably deserved it.
"I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am."
"Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me"."
A man is not complete until he is married, then he is finished.
"I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?"
"You Klingon sons! You killed my bastard... no, wait..."
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
"Computer nerd? Oh, no. I only play with my computer on days that end in 'Y.'"
"Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that."
"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."
"Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"It's with gun in hand that this fox really rocks."
"If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', what is the opposite of 'progress'?"
"It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm."
"The next time I run into you, I hope I'm in my car." - Janier
"Never lie. That way you don't have to remember anything."
"He's not as big a fool as he was." "Smarter?" "No, thinner."
"I can see the synapses beginning to fire behind your eyes." Londo
"So you feel like you're being symbolically cast...in a bad light." Ivanova
"But Officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here!"
"Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative."
Old programmers never die; they exit to a higher shell.
We choose our joys and our sorrows long before we experience them.
"He was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open."
"We're attempting to exhume this potato." Mulder
"Outnumbered 20,000 to 2...... and we killed them both." Aragorn
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
"And now, @LN@, we will discuss the location of the Rebel base."
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
"And when was your tongue last sharpened?"
"Expect no fairness where my vital interests are concerned."
Never trust a programmer who carries a screwdriver.
"Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun." -- Ashe
History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
You cannot kill time without assaulting eternity.
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. "
- General George Patton (1885-1945)
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. "
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"If you call me insane again, I'll eat your other eye."
· Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
To the world, you may only be a person
But, to a person, you may be the world.
"Looking hard into your eye's, there was nobody I had ever known. Such an empty surprise, to feel so alone. How long have I been sleeping, how long have I been drifting alone through alone in the night. How long have I been dreaming I could make it right. If I close my eye's and tried with all my might to be the one you love."
--Late for the Sky, Jackson Browne
"Never fear shadows for they simply mean there is a light shinning somewhere nearby..."
"If ignorance is bliss, why isn't the world happier?"
<< "Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains." - Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Doh! ? Homer Simpson
He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
Albert Einstein
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening
Men have two major organs, the brain and the penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Eric Idle
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
HL Mencken
"Anything, right or wrong, can be justified, with enough time and reasons, right or wrong."
"It used to be that I was afraid of dying alone. Now, more than anything else, I fear living alone." -Thomas Anthony Perez, Sr.
Millions cried
Millions died
and still the sun rose
Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistant one. - Al Einstein
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. "
- Galileo Galilei
"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. "
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. "
- Steven Wright
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. "
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"I'll sleep when I'm dead."
- Warren Zevon
"I am become death, shatterer of worlds. "
- Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion)
"Wine comes in at the mouth, and love comes in at the eye.
I lift the glass to my mouth, I look at you and sigh."
"First they arrested the Communists -- but I was not a Communist, so I did nothing. Then they came for the Social Democrats, but I was not a Social Democrat, so I did nothing. Then they arrested the trade unionists -- and I did nothing because I was not one. And then they came for the Jews and the Catholics, but I was neither a Jew nor a Catholic and I did nothing. At last they came and arrested me -- and there was no one left to do anything about it."
- Rev Martin Niemoller (Nazi Prison Survivor)
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen
The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. Henri Bergson
"Without education, we are in a
horrible and deadly danger of taking
educated people seriously."
-- G.K. Chesterton
From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen.
--Cat Stevens, Father and Son
"When you dont like your job you dont strike. You go in and do it really half assed. THATS THE AMERICAN WAY!" -Homer-
?Its my life. Its now or never. I?m not going to live forever. I just want to live while I?m alive.?
-Bon Jovi, Its my Life
"The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion."
-L. Ron Hubbard, 19?? prior to founding the Church of Scientology
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would
indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment
and hope of reward after death."
-Albert Einstein
"Religions are all alike - founded upon fables and mythologies."
-Thomas Jefferson
"Christianity...(has become) the most perverted system that ever shone on
man. Rogueries, absurdities and untruths were perpetrated upon the
teachings of Jesus by a large band of dupes and importers led by Paul, the
first great corrupter of the teaching of Jesus."
-Thomas Jefferson
"Religion is all bunk."
-Thomas Edison
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-Stephen Roberts
"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping the common people quiet."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the
study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it
proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and
it admits of no conclusion."
-Thomas Paine
"I don't think we're [here] for anything, we're just products of evolution.
You can say 'Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don't think
there's a purpose' but I'm anticipating a good lunch."
-Dr. James Watson, Nobel laureate Biophysicist,
co-discoverer of DNA
"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it
is the parts that I do understand."
-Mark Twain
"I don't believe in God. My god is patriotism. Teach a man to be a good
citizen and you have solved the problem of life."
-Andrew Carnegie
"In God we rust."
-Gordon Charrick
"We found that we didn't have much problem with him [Jesus Christ], it was
his followers we found questionable."
-Graham Chapman (discussing making of "Life of Brian")
"What is religion except a way to escape from reality? It's just another
drug. I can't really tell the difference between a clan or a militia or a
church or a cult. They're all the same thing."
-Kieth Akins (Anthropolgist who infiltrated the KKK)
"Organized religion: The world's largest pyramid scheme."
-Bernard Katz
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to
create him."
-Arthur C. Clarke
Procrastination is like masturbation, they're both fun 'till you realize you're f**king yourself
"After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box"
I am Stoner of Borg. Resistance is, ummm, like, I forget.
<< What my question is about the current abortion law. Why is it that it is felt that the mother has the choice to kill her baby, but the father has no input into the decision? >>
Because by the twisted and manufactured "constitutional law" the Supreme Court used to reach the decision in Roe v. Wade, there is no other possible alternative. How can you premise the "right" to abortion on the (Constitutionally non-existent) right to privacy, then turn around and allow a second party (i.e. the man) to have any input into the what was just deemed a Constitutionally protected private matter for the woman alone (and perhaps her doctor as well in a professional consultation role)?
Of course, nothing is ever without its repercussions, and women are reaping the whirlwind for their great "victory" in that as men are cut out of the family planning process, and as the ultimate decision making power falls to the woman, men are in droves refusing to acknowledge any responsibility in the process of raising children. Couple that with the other great feminist "victory", no-fault divorce, and you have a recipe for skyrocketing single motherhood. So congratulations feminist women, for your troubles of securing your ultimate, God and Supreme Court-given right to have an abortion, you've effectively resigned an entire generation of children (and working on two generations now) to a marginal family experience, when one exists at all. What is it, like 70% of black children who are now born out of wedlock? Your children (should you decide to have them) will no doubt be proud.
--glenn1 @ anandtech forums.
"Never Argue With An Idiot. They?ll Lower You To Their Level And Then Beat You With Experience."
Subject: Bill Gates' Advice
Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair -get used to it.
RULE2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -they called it opportunity. .
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about' your mistakes, take responsibility and learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. .
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some
schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
?Conservative. A Statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.? ?Ambrose Bierce (1891)
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
- Marcus Aurelius
"If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you." -Fyodor Dostoyevsky
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.- David Comins
"Although he considers himself a conservative, O'Rourke was quick to degrade both Democrats and Republicans. He described the Democrats as politicians for government activism who, among other things, promise to take 10 strokes off your golf game. Republicans, on the other hand, "say government doesn't work, get elected, and then prove it." O'Rourke also noted the differences between businessmen and politicians. He said businessmen ruin the country, but, "at least they make a buck," while politicians "do it for the fun of it."
Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by those who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
-Elbert Hubbard in The Philistine
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
-Anon
talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
-Euripides, The Bacchae
Life is a journey. It is not a guided tour.
-Anon
Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
-Chapman Cohen
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to
create him."
-Arthur C. Clarke
Wherever you go, there you are?Yogi Berra
"Your best? Only losers whine about their best. Winners go home and fvck the prom queen!"?Sean Connery, The Rock
Procrastination is like masturbation.... it's all good until you realize you are just fu*king yourself.....
-Unknown
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I
want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare
and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made"
- M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,
quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love
and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags
his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep
abreast of current events. The ground is a giant
dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking
dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent,
are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never
washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees
us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and
to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room
furniture unless absolutely certain that he can
hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo
is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a
puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person." - Andrew A. Rooney
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best
friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the
most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is
that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and
very, very few persons." - James Thurber
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? ? Epicurus
Eeyore," he said solemnly, "I, Winnie-The-Pooh, will find your tail for you." "Thank you, Pooh," answered Eeyore. "You're a real friend," said he. "Not like some," he said.
"Pooh knew what he meant, but being a Bear of Very Little Brain, couldn't think of the words."
"As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was going to happen." - Pooh
"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever.
Not even when I'm a hundred," said Christopher Robin.
Pooh thought for a little while. "How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-Nine."
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why
he never understands anything.
"I have a house where I go
When there's too many people,
I have a house where I go
Where no one can be;
I have a house where I go,
Where nobody ever says "No,"
Where no one says anything - so
There is no one buy me." - Pooh
"....when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of things, you find sometimes that a thing which seemed very thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it." -Pooh
"Hallo, Rabbit," he said, "is that you?"
"Let's pretend it isn't," said Rabbit, "and see what happens."
"...in a very little time they got to the corner of the field by the side of the pine-wook, where Eeyore's house wasn't any longer. "There!" said Eeyore. "Not a stick of it left! Of course, I've still got the snow to do what I like with. One musn't complain."
"I shall sing the first line twice, and perhaps if I sing it very quickly, I shall find myself singing the third and fourth lines before I have time to think of them, and that will be a good song. Now then...." - Pooh
...Eeyore was saying to himself, "This writing business. Pencils and whatnot. Over-rated, if you ask me. Silly stuff. Nothing in it."
....Piglet explained to Tigger that he musn't mind what Eeyore said because he was always gloomy; and Eeyore explained to Piglet that, on the contrary, he was feeling particularly cheerful this morning.
"Or suppose I get stuck in his front door again, coming out, as I did once when his front door wasn't big enough?"
"Because I know I'm not getting fatter, but his front door may be getting thinner." - Pooh
The old grey donkey, Eeyore, stood by himself in a thistly corner of the forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore, " and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which" - and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.
"Hallo, Eeyore," they called out cheerfully.
"Ah!" said Eeyore. "Lost your way?"
"We just came to see you," said Piglet. "And to see how your house was. Look, Pooh, it's still standing!"
"I know," said Eeyore. "Very odd. Somebody ought to have come down and pushed it over."
"We wondered whether the wind would blow it down," said Pooh.
"Ah, that's why nobody's bothered, I suppose. I thought perhaps they'd forgotten."
"We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?" asked Piglet.
"Even longer," Pooh answered.
Anyone perfect must be lying
Anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely
Anyone loved can be lost.
--
"Great nations do not fall because of fear, they fall because the forget that fear exists."
--
"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f**king big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers..... Choose DIY and wondering who the f**k you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life..... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"
--
Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. - Gandalf
--
It's that dawning moment of comprehension that I live for.
-- Calvin
There are two basic laws of customer service:
1-Customers are always right.
2-They must be punished for their arrogance.
--
One must make one's self superior to humanity,
in power, in loftiness of soul--in contempt.
--Friedrich W. Nietzche
Dear World,
I understand that you are upset with us, here in Israel. Indeed, it
appears that you are quite upset, even angry. (Outraged?) Indeed, every
few years you seem to become upset by us.
Today, it is the "brutal repression of the Palestinians". Yesterday it was
Lebanon; before that it was the bombing of the nuclear reactor in Baghdad
(1981) and the Yom Kippur War (1973) and the Six Days War (1967) and the
Sinai Campaign (1956), and our independence (1948). It appears that Jews
who take care of themselves and who, therefore, remain alive, upset you
most extraordinarily.
Of course, dear world, long before there was an Israel, we - the Jewish
people - upset you.
We upset the German people who elected Hitler and we upset the Austrian
people who cheered his entry into Vienna and We upset a whole slew of
Slavic nations: Poles, Slovaks, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, Russians,
Hungarians and Romanians.
And we go back a long, long way in the history of world upset. We upset the
Cossacks of Chamielnitzki who massacred tens of thousands of us in 1648-49;
We upset the Crusaders who, on their way to liberate the Holy Land, were so
upset at Jews that they slaughtered untold numbers of us.
For centuries, we upset a Roman Catholic Church that did its best to define
our relationship through inquisitions, and we upset the archenemy of the
church, Martin Luther, who, in his call to burn the synagogues and the Jews
within them, showed an admirable Christian ecumenical spirit.
And it is because we became so upset over upsetting you - dear world - that we
decided to "leave" you - in a manner of speaking - and establish a
Jewish state. The reasoning was that living in close contact with you, as
resident-strangers in the various countries that comprise you, we upset
you, irritate you and disturb you. What better notion, then, than to leave
you and thus love you and have you love us? And so we decided to come
home to the same homeland from which we were driven out 1,900 years
earlier by a Roman world that, apparently, we also upset.
Alas, dear world, it appears that you are hard to please. Having left you
and your pogroms and inquisitions and crusades and holocausts, having
taken our leave of the general world to live alone in our own little
state, we continue to upset you.
You are deeply angered over the fact that we do not give up the lands
of1967, which are clearly the obstacle to peace in the Middle East. Moscow
is upset and Paris is upset. London too is sometimes upset. The
"radical" Arabs are upset and the gentle Egyptian moderates are upset.
Well, dear world, consider the reaction of a normal Jew from Israel: In
1920 and 1921 and 1929, there were no territories of 1967 to impede peace
between Jews and Arabs. Infect, there was no Jewish State to upset
anybody. Nevertheless, the same oppressed and repressed Palestinians
slaughtered tens of Jews in Jerusalem, Jaffa, Safed and Hebron.
Some 67 Jews were slaughtered in one day in Hebron in 1929. Dear world, Why
did the Arabs - the Palestinians - massacre 67 Jews in one day in 1929?
Could it have been their anger over Israeli aggression in 1967?
And why were 510 Jewish men, women and children slaughtered in Arab riots
between 1936-39? Was it because Arabs were upset over 1967?
And when you, world, proposed a UN Partition Plan in 1947 that would have
created a "Palestinian State" alongside a tiny little "Jewish homeland"
(smaller then Israel BEFORE 1967) the Arabs cried "NO" and initiated a war
in which 6,000 Jews were killed (10% of the Jewish population at that
time). Was that "upset" caused by the aggression of 1967? And, by the way,
dear world, why did we not hear your cry of being "upset" then?
The Palestinians today (who kill Jews with explosives and firebombs) are
part of the same people who - when they HAD all those territories -
attempted to drive the Jews into the sea.
The same twisted faces, the same hate, the same cry of "itbach-al-yahud"
(Massacre the Jew!) that we hear and see today, were seen and heard then.
The same people, the same dream - to destroy Israel and massacre all the
Jews. What they failed to do yesterday, they dream of today.
Dear world,
You stood by during the holocaust when 6,000,000 Jews - men, women and
children - where slaughtered.
You stood by in 1948 as seven states launched a war that the Arab League
proudly compared to the "Mongol massacres". 100,000,000 Arabs against a
Jewish population of 600,000 people (at that time) - and we survived. Not
only that, we even won the war.
You stood by in 1967 as Nasser, wildly cheered by wild mobs in every Arab
capital in the world, vowed to drive the Jews into the sea. And we won
again.
You stood by in 1973 when both Egypt and Suriyah - enforced by Iraq -
launched a war in order to destroy Israel. Israel was under an existential
threat. And we survived and won once again.
And since we know that the Arabs-Palestinians dream daily of that
extinction (did anybody ever bothered to ask their spokesmen, what really
do they mean by the term "occupied territories")
we will do everything possible to remain alive in our own land. Because, we
have no other safe place on this planet.
If that bothers you dear world, well, think of how many times in the past
you bothered us.
Shalom uvrachah
In peace and blessings
Rabbi Peter E. Tarlow
"I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws" - Friedrich Nietzsche
The quotes that follow are of George S. Patton:
No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country
[Part of a speech given to soldiers prior to D-Day]
There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this war is over and you are home once again. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great World War II, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, "Well, your Granddaddy shoveled sh*t in Louisiana." No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, "Son, your Granddaddy rode with the Great Third Army and a Son-of-a-Goddamned-Bitch named Georgie Patton!"
[Excerpt from a prayer to God during the Battle of the Bulge]
?Sir, I have never been unreasonable man, I am not going to ask you for the impossible? all I request is four days of clear weather? so that my fighter-bombers can bomb and strafe, so that my reconnaissance may pick out targets for my magnificent artillery. Give me four days of sunshine to dry this blasted mud? I need these four days to send von Rundstedt and his godless army to their Valhalla. I am sick of the unnecessary butchery of American youth, and in exchange for four days of fighting weather, I will deliver You enough Krauts to keep Your bookkeepers months behind in their work. Amen.?
[Excerpt from a lecture]
"The way most new soldiers use their rifles, they are of no more use than a pecker is to the Pope"
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we?d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
OMG!!! OH NO! AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! NOOOOOO!O!OO!O!!!!-Ameesh @anandtech\
God created man in his image, and man, being a gentleman, returned the compliment.
--George Bernard Shaw
Voltaire, on his death bed is asked by a priest to renounce Satan. Voltaire responded with:
"Now, my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities." Ayn Rand
"Genius? Nothing! Sticking to it is the genius! ... I've failed my way to success."
--Thomas Edison
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fvck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fvck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
thanks alot you two 😛
here is one I read today
?Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar.? -- Julius Caesar
here is one I read today
?Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar.? -- Julius Caesar
OneSyberTroop
Banned
"better to be pissed off than to be pissed on"
"wise man say - he who stand on toiler is high on pot" :Q
"wise man say - he who stand on toiler is high on pot" :Q
"With much wisdom comes much sorrow, much knowledge brings much grief."
Proverbs
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Churchill
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle."
Plato
You can break a man's skull. You can arrest him. You can throw him in a dungeon. But how do you fight an idea?
Ben-Hur
Proverbs
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Churchill
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle."
Plato
You can break a man's skull. You can arrest him. You can throw him in a dungeon. But how do you fight an idea?
Ben-Hur
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