*UPDATE* to my earlier post about running into my EX GF.

[Iron Woode]

Well, I have some updates about this thread: http://forums.anandtech.com/messageview.cfm?catid=38&threadid=1180380&FTVAR_MSGDBTABLE=

Update #1: I was diagnosed with depression back in 1991, inherited condition, and it was a prime reason why we broke up the first time. Thanks to this drama on Sunday, I had a relapse into depression this week. Thanks Sue, I needed that. But I am slowly crawling out of that pit.

Update #2: This update was partially reponsible for Update #1. I decided to risk talking to her parents again. :Q They seem very supportive of me (weird), and I found out something very disturbing. The guy she is with, the one I was dumped for, is apparently an alcoholic and has been abusing my ex GF mentally and physically.:|

Now I know why her parents don't like him. They fight all the time and she has 2 kids with this guy and that is why she doesn't want to leave him again. She left once but took him back.

Now I feel even guiltier and shamefull than before, because I drove her into the arms of this guy back in 1992. He isn't much to look at and after 11 years I still look like I did when I was 27. He has no job because she supports him. I work part time and run my own business on the side which makes me fairly well off. I am about a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier than he is. He is just butt ugly and abuses my ex GF. That is the guy I was dumped for? The urge to break his neck is very strong. I may not be with my ex, but I still care very much about her and I don't want to see her suffer like this. She has suffered enough.

So I have decided on a course of action that might be considered very brave or very stupid......

I am going to offer the olive branch of peace to her, by attempting to have a civil, rational conversation with her. Wish me luck. I should know something by Sunday.

 

[StageLeft]

Goodluck! You didn't drive her to him though. Sh*t happens and she made the wrong choices.

 

[KK]

It's not worth it, let it be. She made her own bed. Don't get involved.

KK

 

[Encryptic]

Good luck with what you're doing, but I'm not sure there's much hope for her. If she still won't leave this guy, she's got serious problems.

 

[amnesiac]

Why are you blaming yourself for her condition? She didn't want to be supportive and helpful when you were at your lowest, so why bother re-establishing a relationship with her? There's obviously something very, very flawed with her if that's the type of guy she chooses.

edit: But good luck, and you are a good man for trying to help her. Just pummel her b/f into oblivion and see how he likes it.

 

[richardycc]

I bet the whole computer problem was a set up!

 

[Red Dawn]

When you end up going over the deep end due to your attempt to offer an olive branch pleased do us a favor and keep it to yourself. We've had to many Drama Queens posting here lately about their inability to cope with life and it's making me depressed.

 

[Iron Woode]

The reason I am so hard on myself is because I was a failure of a BF in the first place. We were madly in love back in 1988. It was very intense and we were nearly a perfect match for each other. We liked the same things, food, clothes, movies, music, hobbies, etc. We even have the same basic personalities. This was my first serious GF and my first something else that will go unmentioned. We fell for each other instantly when we first met.

It started slowly back in 1990 that my depression was making an appearance. It was causing friction between us and I was having serious emotional issues. We didn't know what was wrong but things fell apart when her gandmother died in August 1990. She left me because she couldn't handle the situation, and I spun into a nasty spiral of depression. It was later that month when I found out what was wrong with me. It took me nearly till Christmas to recover.

She never called me once to see how I was doing. I later found out why. In March of 1991, I started getting out more and started dating this girl I met, Tracy. In April, my cat of 15 years died of natural causes. I was again very upset, but didn't slide into depression. I called Sue and left a message on her answering machine that my cat had died. She really loved my cat, so I knew she would want to know. That call started something that I wish never happened. In June I was once again working and dating Tracy, though it wasn't serious. One night I got a call. I thought it was Tracy, instead it was Sue. She wanted to see how I was doing. I talked to her and one thing led to another and I was seeing both Tracy and Sue. One had to go. So Tracy and I broke up. She never knew about Sue, but she suspected it. My friends told her that if Sue came back into my life I would dump her for Sue. So we were together and then I moved out on my own. Things were getting shakey again because of my depression (I was under a lot of stress). Finally we were fighting all the time and one night I did something I can never live down. I slapped her across the face. I had vowed long before Sue that I would never raise a hand to my GF or wife, like my father did. That is where most of my guilt comes from. I never saw her again after that night. Granted she did throw into my face that she was banging this guy that I was eventually dumped for, but there was no excuse for my actions.

I have lived with this for 11 years now. I still have all the letters she wrote me while we were dating and the pictures of her and us. That is why I can never make up for what happened, but hopefully prevent her man from doing any more harm to her.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: Iron Woode
The reason I am so hard on myself is because I was a failure of a BF in the first place. We were madly in love abck in 1988. It was very intense and we were nearly a perfect match for each other. We liked the same things, food, clothes, movies, music, hobbies, etc. We even have the same basic personalities. This was my first serious GF and my first something else that will go unmentioned. We fell for each other instantly when we first met.

It started slowly back in 1990 that my depression was making an appearance. It was causing friction between us and I was having serious emotional issues. We didn't know what was wrong but things fell apart when her gandmother died in August 1990. She left me because she couldn't handle the situation, and I spun into a nasty spiral of depression. It was later that month when I found out what was wrong with me. It took me nearly till Christmas to recover.

She never called me once to see how I was doing. I later found out why. In March of 1991, I started getting out more and started dating this girl I met, Tracy. In April, my cat of 15 years died of natural causes. I was again very upset, but didn't slide into depression. I called Sue and left a message on her answering machine that my cat had died. She really loved my cat, so I knew she would want to know. That call started something that I wish never happened. In June I was once again working and dating Tracy, though it wasn't serious. One night I got a call. I thought it was Tracy, instead it was Sue. She wanted to see how I was doing. I talked to her and one thing led to another and I was seeing both Tracy and Sue. One had to go. So Tracy and I broke up. She never knew about Sue, but she suspected it. My friends told her that if Sue came back into my life I would dump her for Sue. So we were together and then I moved out on my own. Things were getting shakey again because of my depression (I was under a lot of stress). Finally we were fighting all the time and one night I did something I can never live down. I slapped her across the face. I had vowed long before Sue that I would never raise a hand to my GF or wife, like my father did. That is where most of my guilt comes from. I never saw her again after that night. Granted she did throw into my face that she was banging this guy that I was eventually dumped for, but there was no excuse for my actions.

I have lived with this for 11 years now. I still have all the letters she wrote me while we were dating and the pictures of her and us. That is why I can never make up for what happened, but hopefully prevent her man from doing any more harm to her.

My god man,you have issues,serious ones!

 

[dartworth]

i am sensing a restraining order in your near future..

sack up and get a life

 

[Iron Woode]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: Iron Woode
The reason I am so hard on myself is because I was a failure of a BF in the first place. We were madly in love abck in 1988. It was very intense and we were nearly a perfect match for each other. We liked the same things, food, clothes, movies, music, hobbies, etc. We even have the same basic personalities. This was my first serious GF and my first something else that will go unmentioned. We fell for each other instantly when we first met.

It started slowly back in 1990 that my depression was making an appearance. It was causing friction between us and I was having serious emotional issues. We didn't know what was wrong but things fell apart when her gandmother died in August 1990. She left me because she couldn't handle the situation, and I spun into a nasty spiral of depression. It was later that month when I found out what was wrong with me. It took me nearly till Christmas to recover.

She never called me once to see how I was doing. I later found out why. In March of 1991, I started getting out more and started dating this girl I met, Tracy. In April, my cat of 15 years died of natural causes. I was again very upset, but didn't slide into depression. I called Sue and left a message on her answering machine that my cat had died. She really loved my cat, so I knew she would want to know. That call started something that I wish never happened. In June I was once again working and dating Tracy, though it wasn't serious. One night I got a call. I thought it was Tracy, instead it was Sue. She wanted to see how I was doing. I talked to her and one thing led to another and I was seeing both Tracy and Sue. One had to go. So Tracy and I broke up. She never knew about Sue, but she suspected it. My friends told her that if Sue came back into my life I would dump her for Sue. So we were together and then I moved out on my own. Things were getting shakey again because of my depression (I was under a lot of stress). Finally we were fighting all the time and one night I did something I can never live down. I slapped her across the face. I had vowed long before Sue that I would never raise a hand to my GF or wife, like my father did. That is where most of my guilt comes from. I never saw her again after that night. Granted she did throw into my face that she was banging this guy that I was eventually dumped for, but there was no excuse for my actions.

I have lived with this for 11 years now. I still have all the letters she wrote me while we were dating and the pictures of her and us. That is why I can never make up for what happened, but hopefully prevent her man from doing any more harm to her.

My god man,you have issues,serious ones!

I was young then, and didn't know about relationships. It wasn't all bad. We had lots of fun together and were a great couple. While my friends were having all kinds of relationship issues (ie dumping, cheating, pregnancy) we were almost the ideal couple. We rarely argued, when we did it was a doozy, but it was when the depression kicked in we had problems. I have dealt with most of my issues with therapy, and can say I am a very well adjusted man. I am not like that young man 11 years ago. Even Sue's parents have noticed the change. So there is hope for anyone with issues.

 

[PanzerIV]

You need to let this go. Don't stir up old emotions as powerful as these. You are headed down a road of self destruction. SHE made the choice to not only get with this guy but to stay. She could have left at any time and the fact she is still with him is no fault of yours. He abuses her, not you.
It's your life but from what you've written it seems a very bad idea to rekindle this relationship on any level.

 

[boyRacer]

don't get involved.

 

[Iron Woode]

Originally posted by: PanzerIV
You need to let this go. Don't stir up old emotions as powerful as these. You are headed down a road of self destruction. SHE made the choice to not only get with this guy but to stay. She could have left at any time and the fact she is still with him is no fault of yours. He abuses her, not you.
It's your life but from what you've written it seems a very bad idea to rekindle this relationship on any level.

I understand that.

That is why I am leaving it up to her to choose to talk to me or not. If she won't talk to me, then I am no worse off than before. Its just a bit of closure I want. I don't want her hating me for the rest of her life. I don't want her drama in my life either, because I have moved on too. I just want to be able to say hi to her and not get yelled at or feel like I am scum or something. This is not a big city and I run into her relatives on a weekly basis so I don't want it to feel awkward when I do. Because sooner or later I will run ito her again somewhere else.

 

[Bulk Beef]

You can't possibly be 38 years old.

 

[Iron Woode]

Originally posted by: sward666
You can't possibly be 38 years old.

Why not? I was born in 1965.

I have a minor update:

It turns out Sue's Mother told her I was comming over when Sue would be there. Sue said "tell him to stay home". She told Sue if you don't like it, you stay home. It seems I am being used to send a message to my ex GF from her parents. They apparently don't mind me visiting, which just greatly increases the odds of seeing my ex, and driving home the point that I am a much better choice. Apparently they are not aware I have a GF now, I thought they knew.

I see some serious drama in my future if I don't regain control of this situation.

 

[Kadarin]

This is a bad situation in every way.

 

[MercenaryForHire]

I am going to offer the olive branch of peace to her, by attempting to have a civil, rational conversation with her. Wish me luck. I should know something by Sunday.

Fine and dandy. But you'd better be prepared to take the ball and go home if she shows any signs of preparing to give you YAMF (Yet Another Mind Fvck).

- M4H

 

[Feldenak]

Wow, this should be thoroughly entertaining.

I got 2 cases of :beer: and a couple of extra lawn chairs, someone else needs to get the munchies.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Feldenak
Wow, this should be thoroughly entertaining.

I got 2 cases of :beer: and a couple of extra lawn chairs, someone else needs to get the munchies.

*breaks out the popcorn*

 

[Iron Woode]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
This is a bad situation in every way.

I agree.

I have managed to make peace with 3 of my 4 ex GFs. Only one ex GF (Dawn) remained on good terms with me after we broke up. Tracy and Angie took a little longer. Angie just got divorced after a 5 year marriage and we started talking again after 12 years. Why so long? Well, she did her thing and I started dating Sue after she introduced us. She then disappeared for years until last year. We get along just fine. Tracy was a different matter. She was basically a summer fling. She had moved on and gotten pregnant. She lives in another town not too far away. When I am there I drop in and say hi and we talk for a bit. Then she gets the notion I want to sleep with her, and I make up an excuse and leave.

In just the 5 year period from 1988- 1993 I have lived fast and played hard. I hung around with the musclecar/hot rod guys back then. I would do it all over again, but I would definitely make better decisions about women. I would never have let Sue down.

 

[Orsorum]

It sounds as though you need time to yourself, and to share with a counselor.

 

[Yossarian]

There is no need to make peace with ex-girlfriends. Forget them and move on. You are going to create some bad problems for yourself.

 

[Iron Woode]

Originally posted by: Orsorum
It sounds as though you need time to yourself, and to share with a counselor.

Been there. Done that.

I just want to make peace with the one ex GF that I hurt the most. I want her to understand that it was me and not her that was the problem. That she deserves so much more than what I gave her back then and more than what she is getting now. I want her to know that she is beautifull and deserves true love and respect. She is a little insecure and a bit neurotic and tends to blame herself for relationship issues. She may feel that she must stay with this abusive guy because of the kids and/or she deserves it. I only want what is best for her because I still care about her.

PS: I stated earlier that she never called me when I was suffering from depression and later found out why. The reason was I had gotten her pregnant in late July of 1990. She didn't want to tell me and her parents told her before that if she got pregnant she would be kicked out of the house and have to deal with it on her own. I was there when she was told this. She kept it hiddden until October 1990 when she had a miscarriage. I didn't find out untill June 1991. I was devastated as I have always wanted a family.

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: PipBoy
There is no need to make peace with ex-girlfriends. Forget them and move on. You are going to create some bad problems for yourself.

Not only that, but there is SERIOUSLY NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

One thing is speaking with old aquainrences after having gone through a change. It makes for interesting conversation. Otherwise, you are liable to ahve a boring conversation, start following you human instincts, and prolly have sex with some woman; definitely acts you would regret.