Two Funny Jokes

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SandEagle

SandEagle

Lifer
Aug 4, 2007
16,809
13
0
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red........................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'






One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're assholes!'

:laugh:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the! conditi ons were explained to him and he ag reed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: ' What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and e xcitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

:laugh:
 
S

StevenYoo

Diamond Member
Jul 4, 2001
8,628
0
0
Not bad!

A grasshopper walks into a bar. Upon entering the bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper looks at the bartender and asks "Really? You have a drink named Ted?"
 
KeithTalent

KeithTalent

Elite Member | Administrator | No Lifer
Administrator
Nov 30, 2005
50,231
118
116
Originally posted by: ViviTheMage
4/10 for the first, it was too expected!

8/10 for the last one, i hadn't heard that one before!
Click to expand...

Same here on both counts. :thumbsup:

KT
 
T

thegimp03

Diamond Member
Jul 5, 2004
7,420
2
81
Haha, pretty good.

Ahh, firetruck. Went to Vegas a couple years ago and was playing hold 'em at the Imperial Palace with my best friend. We sat at the same table for about 6 or 7 hours and my friend got so wasted off of vodka redbulls that he could barely see the cards. Since they'd told him repeatedly to stop cussing at the table he instead decided to use "firetruck" to express his feelings.
 
Scarpozzi

Scarpozzi

Lifer
Jun 13, 2000
26,392
1,780
126
There were three dogs at a veternarian's office. The first one asked the second, ?Why are you here?? The dog replied, ?I'm getting my balls cut off because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug and they think it will calm me down.?
The first dog said, ?I know how you feel -- I'm getting my balls cut off because I dug up my owner's prize rosebushes and they think it will calm me down.? They both looked at the third dog and said, ?Why are you here?? The dog sighed and said, ?Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I humped more than just her leg.?
?So you're getting your balls cut off to calm you down?? asked the other dogs. ?No. I'm here to get my nails clipped.?
 
B

BlahBlahYouToo

Lifer
Jul 10, 2007
12,041
3
0
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

She said 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 
KeithTalent

KeithTalent

Elite Member | Administrator | No Lifer
Administrator
Nov 30, 2005
50,231
118
116
Originally posted by: BlahBlahYouToo
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

She said 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Click to expand...

Lol, good one.

KT
 
Freshgeardude

Freshgeardude

Diamond Member
Jul 31, 2006
4,506
0
76
Originally posted by: BlahBlahYouToo
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

She said 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Click to expand...


lol I like it :p
 
Squisher

Squisher

Lifer
Aug 17, 2000
21,204
66
91
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

"So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."


-------------------------------------------------------


Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window
and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious old senior walked to the window, had
a peek and in a soft accent asked 'What are you
sellin' here?' One of the men replied sarcastically,
'We're selling ass-holes.' Without skipping a beat,
the old timer said,'You're doing well. Only two
left.'





 
ConstipatedVigilante

ConstipatedVigilante

Diamond Member
Feb 22, 2006
7,670
1
0
Originally posted by: Squisher

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window
and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
enough, a curious old senior walked to the window, had
a peek and in a soft accent asked 'What are you
sellin' here?' One of the men replied sarcastically,
'We're selling ass-holes.' Without skipping a beat,
the old timer said,'You're doing well. Only two
left.'
Click to expand...

I like this one. Old guys act all feeble and nice, but a lot of them are quicker than most of us. They just don't bother making a commotion about it.
 
geno

geno

Lifer
Dec 26, 1999
25,074
4
0
Originally posted by: ViviTheMage
wow scarpozzi...not sure if that's actually funny........
Click to expand...

Yeah, everyone knows that's why you keep an extra pair of oven mitts around.
 
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