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Tuesday "I had a crappy day" joke thread
- Thread starter XMan
- Start date
XMan
Lifer
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.
Ladies Man
Platinum Member
i'll just skip right to the punchline for fear that i will offend many....
"I'll have a coke"
"I'll have a coke"
Geekbabe
Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car
available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car
and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and
looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped !"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
...............w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h!
Something whips by him, going much faster ! !
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"
the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari
up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and
passes the Moped at 275 mph.
...............W-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-h !
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The
Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I
can do for you ?
" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from
your side-view mirror."
available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car
and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and
looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped !"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
...............w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h!
Something whips by him, going much faster ! !
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"
the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari
up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and
passes the Moped at 275 mph.
...............W-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-h !
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The
Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I
can do for you ?
" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from
your side-view mirror."
XMan
Lifer
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
HORNY
SLEEPY
HUNGRY
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
HORNY
SLEEPY
HUNGRY
XMan
Lifer
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen- year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver, and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"My point, exactly."
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen- year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver, and squeezes the handle. BAM !!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"My point, exactly."
propellerhead
Golden Member
<< The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you're not.
But you only have the one ass.
Feel better? >>
Bwaahahahahaha!!!!! I just set that as my quit message in IRC.
Thanks!
wfbberzerker
Lifer
<< i'll just skip right to the punchline for fear that i will offend many....
"I'll have a coke" >>
ahahah... i love that movie....
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