isaacmacdonald
Platinum Member
I went, with faith. Angelina is hot, tomb raider is chill, why the hell not.
The first problem was that they forgot to hire a director. I mean, wtf was up with the absolutely tasteless placement of slow motion scenes? It was like some copy of a copy of a copy of guy ritchie gone wrong. I cringed every time the camera cut with another awkward transition.
Aside from the nauseating lack of style, this film was not sexy. Ok, there was about 30 seconds of sexiness on the chinese boat, but then it was gone. What is that? Laura Croft is supposed to be a sexy, badass heroine (like aeon flux with a touch of indiana jones). Instead she's just robotically moving from one horrible shot to the next. I guess that gets blamed on an absolutely horrible director.
Then there was a climax. Wait was there? I can't remember because I fell asleep after the movie transitioned from national geographic panoramics to the set of star trek. No not the next generation or deep space nine. I mean the original star trek with the foam rocks and retarded green aliens. For some reason, the film makers thought the star trek set would be a fascinating back drop for *yawwwwnn*... I don't even know because I was honestly fighting to keep myself awake. Anyway, there was just a never ending valley of fake looking blue rocks that lasted for about 20 minutes. There was a neat little plot twist that recaptured my attention for about thirteen and a half seconds but then the director decided to flush it down the toilet and move on to the next incrediblely poorly cut scene.
In summary, this was not better than the first tomb raider. There were no sexy shots of augmented breasts. There was no half decent action scenes. There was hardly a director, and it was boring as hell.
I want to kill myself after killing the people who destroyed a perfectly awesome premise mated with a perfectly hot heroine. *cringe*... people do not put yourselves through this agony.
The first problem was that they forgot to hire a director. I mean, wtf was up with the absolutely tasteless placement of slow motion scenes? It was like some copy of a copy of a copy of guy ritchie gone wrong. I cringed every time the camera cut with another awkward transition.
Aside from the nauseating lack of style, this film was not sexy. Ok, there was about 30 seconds of sexiness on the chinese boat, but then it was gone. What is that? Laura Croft is supposed to be a sexy, badass heroine (like aeon flux with a touch of indiana jones). Instead she's just robotically moving from one horrible shot to the next. I guess that gets blamed on an absolutely horrible director.
Then there was a climax. Wait was there? I can't remember because I fell asleep after the movie transitioned from national geographic panoramics to the set of star trek. No not the next generation or deep space nine. I mean the original star trek with the foam rocks and retarded green aliens. For some reason, the film makers thought the star trek set would be a fascinating back drop for *yawwwwnn*... I don't even know because I was honestly fighting to keep myself awake. Anyway, there was just a never ending valley of fake looking blue rocks that lasted for about 20 minutes. There was a neat little plot twist that recaptured my attention for about thirteen and a half seconds but then the director decided to flush it down the toilet and move on to the next incrediblely poorly cut scene.
In summary, this was not better than the first tomb raider. There were no sexy shots of augmented breasts. There was no half decent action scenes. There was hardly a director, and it was boring as hell.
I want to kill myself after killing the people who destroyed a perfectly awesome premise mated with a perfectly hot heroine. *cringe*... people do not put yourselves through this agony.
