I have been keeping up with Tom Cruise?s antics for a while, and after the placenta incident (in which he said he would EAT the placenta of his baby), I am now convinced that he is either pure evil or completely insane. That?s right folks, Tom Cruise has fallen to the dark side. I know, my geek is showing. But if you allow me to elaborate, you?ll see why I?ve come to this conclusion.
After the original Sith Lord Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard died, the spirit of Xenu sought out new pupils to carry on the teachings of Scientology. He found quite a few, but they weren?t enough. He wanted the most powerful star of them all, Tom Cruise, the one that could make Scientology rise to prominence. So Xenu lured Tom to the dark side. He yielded, and rose as Darth Cruise: Dark Lord of Scientology (or whatever his Sith name is). At first he maintained a low profile (as low as Tom Cruise can anyway), quietly honing his skills. Then in Palpatine-like fashion, he put his master plan into action. In his quest to create a new, stronger generation of Scientologists, he chose Katie Holmes to carry his spawn to term. He made sure to involve Scientology practices in the child?s development. That, combined with his already fearsome powers, should create the perfect Sith Scientology apprentice.
You may ask, ?Just how versed is Mr. Cruise in the ways of the dark side? Just how far has he fallen?? Well take a look above at footage from his appearance on Oprah. Oprah questions him about his relationship with Katie Holmes. Fearing that his plan would be revealed, Cruise attacks Oprah with a barrage of Force Lightning, laughing maniacally as he does and grabs her hands to prevent her from defending herself. Oprah is then knocked unconscious, and Darth Cruise desecrates her body by jumping repeatedly on it. Miraculously, Oprah survived the attack. That?s what really happened. Cruise simply used his star power to force an edit of the tape, just like he forced Comedy Central to pull the ?Trapped in the Closet? episode of South Park.
What?s next for Darth Cruise? Well, his child was born last night (God help us all). Her name is Suri, which sounds a lot like Surrey, L. Ron Hubbard's home in England. Coincidence? I think not. M I: III is coming and the profits from it will surely be used to further his sinister schemes. Next thing you know he enters politics in order to satisfy his lust for power. And why not? There?s a ?Governator? isn?t there?
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