- Jan 23, 2001
- 16,765
- 6
- 81
Aries: (March 21?April 19)
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus: (April. 20?May 20)
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini: (May 21?June 21)
That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer: (June 22?July 22)
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo: (July 23?Aug. 22)
You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo: (Aug. 23?Sept. 22)
Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Libra: (Sept. 23?Oct. 23)
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24?Nov. 21)
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22?Dec. 21)
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22?Jan. 19)
The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20?Feb. 18)
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces: (Feb. 19?March 20)
Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.
---Courtesy of The Onion
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus: (April. 20?May 20)
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini: (May 21?June 21)
That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer: (June 22?July 22)
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo: (July 23?Aug. 22)
You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo: (Aug. 23?Sept. 22)
Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Libra: (Sept. 23?Oct. 23)
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24?Nov. 21)
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22?Dec. 21)
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22?Jan. 19)
The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20?Feb. 18)
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces: (Feb. 19?March 20)
Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.
---Courtesy of The Onion
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