Alright, 4 AM story time. Back when I was away at the Discovery School, we had this canoeing trip. Really fun stuff, spent a few days canoeing down the James River. One day we were camped up along a bank and making breakfast (which was this insanely heavy, ungodly concoction known fondly as "The Brick"), while getting packed up for the day's trip. This breakfast, the Brick, is a mixture of honey, oats, granola, nuts, and peanut butter, along with some other things I've forgotten, packed into a pan and then served. It feels like a brick has hit you square in the bowels after eating this thing.
Anyhow, I was starving so I happily ate this sinfully solid substance. We're packed and ready to go by the time breakfast is cleaned up so we shove off. Unfortunately, as we go along, the Brick has finally shattered a window in my intestinal comfort. It starts off light and mildly discomforting, but then my dinner from the night before (I forget what it was but I think there was cheese involved) decides to get into this death-lock Mexican-standoff-style tango with the Brick in my intestinal tract. And here I am, stuck in the middle of the water, at the front end of a canoe while my partner is shouting directions. The strain is almost unbearable; it felt as if a lead weight was strapped to a 4-ton iron block, wedged right above my sphincter (say that word aloud. I love that word) and I CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM.
The pain gets worse and worse. I start to sweat. My abdominal wall is going to collapse any second. As my face starts to change to unnatural colors I find myself questioning whether or not there really is a God. It's unbearable. The stars in my eyes start coming closer, hour by hour, forcing me into the abyss when...
LAND HO! We finally stop on the pristine, sandy banks of our next rest stop. Relieved, I rush out of the boat--completely forgetting about proper protocol for banking. My partner get's frustrated and yells for me to help him tie up the canoe.
"I can't! I think my intestines are giving birth to baby beluga!" I shout, tears welling up in the corners of my eyes.
"What am I supposed to do, tie this all up on my own? No way!" yelled my partner.
"You don't understand, I have to do this! Just take care of it on your own!" I plead, holding back the force of a thousand damns, war, hellfire, and the wrath of the Gods all at once.
"You can't be serious," He screams back, exasperated.
"No, I am--
I shit, you knot!"
Discussion Zen 5 Speculation (EPYC Turin and Strix Point/Granite Ridge - Ryzen 9000)
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