Dear "Americans For Purity" Website Administrator,
After thoroughly reading your feedback section, I have concluded that about 95% of your visitors do NOT support your masturbation prohibition platform. The logical assumption is that these people are chronic masturbators. This is consistent with your claim that "5% of Americans don?t masturbate."
The reason for this correspondence is to seek your assistance in promoting an event I am organizing. My target audience for this event is the vast majority of your website?s visitors, so I am hopeful you will post this letter in your feedback section.
On June 6, 2006, there will be a mass gathering for those who live in sin, such as murderers, flag burners, masturbators, hippies and anyone else who contributes to the decay of our society. This gathering, to be called "Lusting for Lucifer", will be held at Mt. Kilauea, an active volcano in Hawaii. Although the flowing lava only reaches temperatures of 2,066°F, I feel it is the only place on earth that can remotely compare to the Lake of Fire that will eventually be the eternal resting place for those in attendance.
This three-day event will feature live musical performances by Run-DMC, Britany Spears, *NSync, Marilyn Manson & MC Hammer (fresh off their fifth-annual Reykjavik mall-tour), David Hasselhoff, Emimen, Elton John and 17 Elvis Impersonators. There will also be a special two-hour sing-a-long of "I Touch Myself", led by the Australian rock icons, Divinyls.
Thousands of sinners have already signed up for this event, including famous celebrities like Paul Reubens, Ralph Nader, the entire cast and crew of Baywatch, Larry Flynt, Hugh Hefner, Howard Stern, Dr. Ruth, Adolf Hitler (No, he?s not dead! He lives in Buenos Aires, where he designs infrastructure and fornicates with Donkeys), Tom Green and his ex-wife Drew Barrymore, Ellen Degeneres and her wife Drew Barrymore, J.K. Rowlings and Czechoslovakian-born hockey star Miroslav Satan (no relation).
There will be plenty of attractions and games for participants to enjoy, such as foxy-boxing, lawn darts, Harry Potter reading circles, an art gallery featuring nude portraits and sculptures, hippie drum circles, Pictionary tournaments and yodeling competitions. This event will also coincide with Hawaii?s annual Star Trek convention.
Female participants will receive free unsliced sausages and cucumbers, while men will be invited to join in a massive "circle jerk" at the conclusion of the event. Anyone interested in attending this event, should email me at
lusting4lucifer@hotmail.com.
Thank you, AFP, for helping me in any way you can. (Between you, me and Satan; at the climax of the "circle jerk", the volcano will open up and suck all the sinners into the earth?s core, where they will burn for eternity.) I?m sure I can trust you to keep this information confidential.
Yours most sincerely,
Thomas Frankenfuert
