Do you remember when cults were big in the news
back in the day, when Heaven?s Gate members were
killing themselves, and those guys in Japan were killing
everyone else? We heard all the horror stories, how
cults take people off the streets, isolate them, and teach
them that they can attain salvation by drinking cyanide-
laced Kool-Aid. After spending time with some Engineers,
I can safely say that the Faculty of Engineering
is one big cult.
After a little bit of research on the ?net, I found out
that one of the main cult practices is to weaken the
minds of its followers with hard labour and sleep deprivation.
There are more than a few Engineers in my
residence, and I would be inclined to agree. Never have
I seen an Engineer go to sleep before 4, nor go a day
without spending hours on the work that the Faculty
of Engineering demands they complete on a regular
basis.
The definition of a cult also talks about weird and
dangerous rituals that one must complete as a member
of the ?brotherhood.? A few weeks ago when I was
in Sandford Fleming (0) looking for a friend, I saw a group
of masked individuals, chained to a cannon, followed
by a marching band, drag out a coffin (filled with who
or what we will never know), which was then set of
fire (1). Those in attendance then danced around it like
wild banshees at a bacchanalia, invoking their Goddess,
the ?Lady Godiva,? and asking for their mystical
reward: ?The Post-Grad Job.?
And let?s not even get started with the induction
rites of this ?Faculty.? New inductees are doused with
purple dye (possibly made out of sheep?s blood), while
others cavort around them in their ritual headgear
and tunics, intoning the hypnotic psalms of their new
faith (2). Members of the official band must burn their
pants, perhaps symbolically burning away their last
traces of contact with the outside world.
In all cults, those who question the Church?s dogma
are stamped out. What would happen if a young Engineer
argued against one of the central tenets of Engineering,
such as the Law of Ohm which cryptically
states, V=IR? Isolation, humiliation, and chastisement
would follow to be sure!
Finally, the Faculty of Engineering uses guilt to
control its members, as all other cults do. The Faculty,
using an institutionalized system known as ?grades,?
threatens and shames its members with the horror of
?failing out? and ?not getting a good job? when they
refuse to dedicate all their waking hours to the Cult of
Engineering.
By University of Toronto by-laws, cults are not allowed
to exist or recruit on campus. Therefore, I call
for an immediate investigation by the President?s Office
regarding this cult that is posing as a cherished U
of T institution. The Faculty of Engineering should be
excised from this campus, and its so called ?Divine
Leader,? Engineering Society President Ashley Morton
should be removed from his post, and a special part of
Sidney Smith Hall (3) should be set aside to help the unfortunate
members of this cult recover.
Deprogrammers should be provided from the departments
of Medieval Studies, Estonian Studies, and Classics
to lecture on their various fields. Only then can we
finally remove the cult that is the Faculty of Engineering
from this campus.
