Do not read this if you don't want to know what happens in the movie!!! There are spoilers!
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The Book of Eli: Mad Max Goes from Doggie to Missionary
Desolate, Post apocalyptic setting? Check. Loner badass a la Mad Max? Check. Magic Bible? Uh... check?
The Book of Eli is the newest twist on the Mad max genre that has inspired cinematic masterpieces such as "I am Legend" and "Waterworld." Denzel Washington plays "Eli," a badass. With a magic bible. Yes, a magic bible. It's kind of like magic underwear for mormons, but way better cause it also gives you fantastic hand-to-hand combat skills. Naturally Commissioner Gordon wants to get his hands on it. At first you think he wants it for its powers of influence over people. After all, wars have been fought over religion, crusades even, the last bible on earth would be a powerful propaganda. But no, it's really magic.
Eli has been walking for 30 years, heading west as instructed to by the voice of... god? Or something like that. In real life a guy named Steve Vaught began his walk across the country April 10th, 2005 and ended it in Manhattan one year and one month later. Oh yeah, he weighed 410 pounds. I guess I didn't account for all that post-nuclear-war debris and random adventures along the way. I'm also assuming that he started on the east coast and not somewhere around the orbit of the moon; and that he can't walk on water. These could of course be possibilities, as the powers of magic bibles are not well known at this time.
During his journey, Eli witnesses a guy get shot point blank with a shotgun and then his girl gets raped by a bunch of dirty bikers. He wants to intervene... real bad, but he has to say to himself "Stay on the path, it's not your concern. Stay on the path, it's not your concern. Stay on the path, it's not your concern." Eventually he leaves to attend to things that are "on" the path and "of his concern"--like charging his ipod. Oh yeah and remember Eli is invincible so he coulda stopped a gang rape but, Eli really needs his tunes.
In this dystopian future, all bibles have been burned, or destroyed. All six billion of them. Yes, the most printed book of all time--the bible, has only one copy left in existence. That's like not being able to find a copy of "New Moon" by the time the DVD comes out. There's no soap, one shampoo, and food and water are just as scarce. The bad guys are always telling us there is no ammo, whenever Eli shows his piece they always remind us. "They're never loaded." Throughout the course of the movie though, every single gun we ever see is loaded. Even old people have pristine arsenals and MP7s at their disposal. For there being such a shortage of ammo, you would think you would want to conserve it and not use something like... a gatling gun.
Eli and his girl Solara stop by an old couples house for tea and strumpets at some point but decide to leave once they see they have "the shakes." Apparently when you eat too much human flesh you get this condition, that or you're just old, or have parkinson's.
In the end we find out that Eli's bible is..... written in braile!!! OMGWTFBBQ! So Eli is... blind? In fact we are "finding out" Eli is blind for about 20 minutes. Imagine watching "The Sixth Sense" and it takes half an hour for them to tell you that he's been dead the whole time. What a revelation.
Eli dies, not before reciting the entire King James Bible to the new ruler of Alcatraz, Solara takes his place, possibly with magic underwear, and implicitly begins her own march of dimes back east. In the end no one really cares.
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The Book of Eli: Mad Max Goes from Doggie to Missionary
Desolate, Post apocalyptic setting? Check. Loner badass a la Mad Max? Check. Magic Bible? Uh... check?
The Book of Eli is the newest twist on the Mad max genre that has inspired cinematic masterpieces such as "I am Legend" and "Waterworld." Denzel Washington plays "Eli," a badass. With a magic bible. Yes, a magic bible. It's kind of like magic underwear for mormons, but way better cause it also gives you fantastic hand-to-hand combat skills. Naturally Commissioner Gordon wants to get his hands on it. At first you think he wants it for its powers of influence over people. After all, wars have been fought over religion, crusades even, the last bible on earth would be a powerful propaganda. But no, it's really magic.
Eli has been walking for 30 years, heading west as instructed to by the voice of... god? Or something like that. In real life a guy named Steve Vaught began his walk across the country April 10th, 2005 and ended it in Manhattan one year and one month later. Oh yeah, he weighed 410 pounds. I guess I didn't account for all that post-nuclear-war debris and random adventures along the way. I'm also assuming that he started on the east coast and not somewhere around the orbit of the moon; and that he can't walk on water. These could of course be possibilities, as the powers of magic bibles are not well known at this time.
During his journey, Eli witnesses a guy get shot point blank with a shotgun and then his girl gets raped by a bunch of dirty bikers. He wants to intervene... real bad, but he has to say to himself "Stay on the path, it's not your concern. Stay on the path, it's not your concern. Stay on the path, it's not your concern." Eventually he leaves to attend to things that are "on" the path and "of his concern"--like charging his ipod. Oh yeah and remember Eli is invincible so he coulda stopped a gang rape but, Eli really needs his tunes.
In this dystopian future, all bibles have been burned, or destroyed. All six billion of them. Yes, the most printed book of all time--the bible, has only one copy left in existence. That's like not being able to find a copy of "New Moon" by the time the DVD comes out. There's no soap, one shampoo, and food and water are just as scarce. The bad guys are always telling us there is no ammo, whenever Eli shows his piece they always remind us. "They're never loaded." Throughout the course of the movie though, every single gun we ever see is loaded. Even old people have pristine arsenals and MP7s at their disposal. For there being such a shortage of ammo, you would think you would want to conserve it and not use something like... a gatling gun.
Eli and his girl Solara stop by an old couples house for tea and strumpets at some point but decide to leave once they see they have "the shakes." Apparently when you eat too much human flesh you get this condition, that or you're just old, or have parkinson's.
In the end we find out that Eli's bible is..... written in braile!!! OMGWTFBBQ! So Eli is... blind? In fact we are "finding out" Eli is blind for about 20 minutes. Imagine watching "The Sixth Sense" and it takes half an hour for them to tell you that he's been dead the whole time. What a revelation.
Eli dies, not before reciting the entire King James Bible to the new ruler of Alcatraz, Solara takes his place, possibly with magic underwear, and implicitly begins her own march of dimes back east. In the end no one really cares.
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