TGIF Jokes

[Infos]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin
and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary
and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'Jesus Christ!'
shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' :Q

The Teacher fainted.

 

[Cyberian]

<< "Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time." >>


Stewardess to guy on TWA flight: "Would you like some TWA coffee"?

Guy: "No, but I would like some TWA tea."

 

[Infos]

Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said,
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes Father, it is."
"Who was this woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Who was this woman you were with -- tell me?" "Please, I cannot tell you,
Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"
"No." "Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"
"No."
"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"
"No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally gave up and said,
"Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins.
Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers.
Go back to your pew."
Tommy walked back to his pew.
His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?"
"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

 

[Infos]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer
that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?",
asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself,
then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor,
where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

[Infos]

One day, at the end of class, Little Johnny's teacher
instructs the class to go home and think of a story and
then conclude the moral of that story.
The next day, the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday we load the chicken
eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the
market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the
eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and Little
Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next, Little Lucy speaks, "Well, my dad owns a farm too,
and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put
them in an incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12
eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and Little Lucy replies
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last but not least, Little Johnny speaks, "My uncle Ted
fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down
over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
He landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
So, he shot 70 of them with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then, the blade on his machete broke,
so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks at Little Johnny with shock, and asks
if there could possibly be any moral to his story.
Little Johnny replies,
"Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

 

[walrus]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds ,"It¹s me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb s**t, it's Tony Blair!"

 

[Infos]

he-he good one walrus

 

[Infos]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.

You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" :Q

 

[Infos]

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,
when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman
with a Pakistani accent say..."You... foreigners, come in! come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them...
"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed,
but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was...
The husband asked the man... "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied..."Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes;
something his wife hadn't seen in years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man,
threw him on a table and ripped off the Pakistani man's pants.
Unable to break from the attack, the shopkeeper screamed...

"WRONG FEET... YOU'VE GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET."

 

[Infos]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding
anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the
hotel casino to register at the front desk, a young woman
dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George
brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and
you were so rude to her."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted Harriet.
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked
'Bambi' to come up to room 1217. When he hung up the
phone, he said, "Now, Harriet, you hide in the bathroom with
the door open just enough so you can hear us."
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the
door and in walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
"$125! I was thinking more like $25."
Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy
sex for that price."
"Well," said George, as he walked he to the door, "I guess
we can't do business..."
As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and
remarked, "I just can't believe it! Never in a million years
would I have believed she was a hooker. But you were right, dear."
Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped cocktails
at the hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and approached the
two of them. She pointed slyly at Harriet, and said,

"See what you get for $25 mister!"






Buckwheat and Darla are in class, and the teacher asks
Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla replies, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher praises, "Very good, now use the word in a sentence."
Darla responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
Then, the teacher asks, "How do you spell 'stupid'?"
Darla replies, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher praises, "Very good, now use the word in a sentence."
Darla responds, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Next, the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks,
"How do you spell 'dictate'?"
Buckwheat replies, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher praises, "Very good, now use the word in a sentence."
Buckwheat responds, "I may be dumb, and I may be
stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"



Lucky Number 2001

 

[MiExStacY]

on halloween me and the boys were kinda drunk driving and was pulled over by a hot chick cop,and i was the driver so i ask what could we do that would make you let us slide.the cop responed it ok then if all three of your pen!s equals 13inch i will let you guys slide this one.well i showed her mines and shes says wow pretty impresive 6inch long.then she examine my buddy hmm you guys must be brothers yours is also 6inch long.then last but not least she examine my other friend.then she says okay you guys pass you can leave then as we were taking off the last guy said damn we were lucky cause that chick was hot and i was hard off the hook.

 

[Whitecloak]

infos, you deserve a 10 & you got it