TGIF Jokes

[Infos]

Blind Date
==========

Jerry let his friend set him up on a blind date.
After an evening of pure hell,
he called his friend to give him a piece of his mind.

Sam answered the phone only to hear
the rage in Jerry's voice.

"What is your problem?" Sam asked.

"Damn you!" Jerry raged. "It was terrible!
Pure hell, I tell you! Her measurements
were 36-24-36!"

"Terrible?" exclaimed the friend, "I can't
understand why you're complaining!" Sam
shouted back. " She was really well built!"

Jerry yelled, "Sam, you jerk, her other leg
was the same!"





:Q

 

[Infos]

Okay this one is better



The Top 15 Signs You're Having Trouble Adjusting to College




You just can't get your day going without the morning announcements and Pledge of Allegiance.

Despite having the hottest live dorm sex-cam on campus, the other kids at BYU just don't seem to accept you.

Forget the kegger with the Tri-Delts this Friday -- you've got some Ruminations to write!

Passing high school chemistry by sleeping with your teacher worked well,
but the irony of passing freshman ethics by sleeping with your teacher is driving you nuts.

"Aww, c'mon guys. We just went out drinking last night!"

That backpack you made out of your blankie isn't fooling anyone.

Your fraternity brothers are doubting your claim that the rubber sheets are due to an allergy to cotton.

You're anxious to find out if you got an A on your cat-dissection project.
But you're not taking a biology class, and your art professor seems to be avoiding you.

Due to a misunderstanding, your cramming for exams involves K-Y jelly.

You think "carrying a full load" means you haven't had a girlfriend in awhile.

Animal Husbandry isn't exactly what you expected when you signed up for it.

The good news: You have a 3.5 average; The bad news: That's your blood alcohol content.

You feel so awkward and unpopular that you quit the Young Republicans
and join the Junior Reform Party.

The friendly wager you made with your new roommate about who would score first
apparently has nothing to do with your Pokemon skills.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Having Trouble Adjusting to College...


Your mother turns on Dateline's story about college binge drinking
just in time to see you vomit on Jane Pauley.

 

[SendTrash]

I really don't get it....

does "her other leg
was the same!"

mean that her leg was 36-24-36?


so she was very fat?

 

[Infos]

The Top 13 Wonder Products of the Future




FredCo Natural Childbirth Dilator

WanderBra -- Now it's a bra, now it's a hat, now it's crotchless panties!

Robotic, interactive throw rugs

Super-Instant Messaging -- Email that's sent before it's even composed.

"Internet Fraud for Dummies!" -- Now in its 15th edition.

The Palm Stewardess -- Hmmm, uuuuuh, well what do *you* think it's for?

Artificial Plastic

Preparation EIEIO -- Now just for sheep.

RonCo Post-Armageddon Food Locator

Automated Fries-With-That Verbalizer

Delicious Light Beer

Bi Charmin -- The toilet tissue that comes off the roll from *both* directions.

and the Number 1 Wonder Product of the Future...


Pornderwear -- Modem-equipped briefs allow you to
download smut directly to your genitalia.









:Q

 

[Infos]

Bad Halloween Jokes ========================

What do you call a three-headed deaf monster?
Anything you like, as he can't hear you.

Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker?
He wanted to eat a well balanced diet!

What flies through the night, has a black cape,
and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What is a ghost's favourite species of bird?
The scarecrow!

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A ghost in reverse.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What did the detective say when he solved the case of the missing mummy?
"Well, that one's about wrapped up!"

What haunts your house and honks?
Poultergeese!

Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !

What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Decoffinated!

Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?
The skeleton crew!

 

[BDawg]

Here's one for ya'



A blond is driving down the interstate when one of her tires blows. She pulls to the side of the road and gets out of her car. She goes to the back and opens the trunk. When she does so, 4 men in trenchcoats jump out. They open their coats and expose nude bodies towards the interstate.

Almost immediately, drivers get distracted, lose control and cause one of the largest interstate pileups in history. After a few minutes, the first police officer shows up. He asks the blond, "why do you have 4 men in trenchcoats exposing themselves to the traffic?"

She replies,


wait...







it's pretty good...




"Duh, they're my emergency flashers!"

 

[Shudder]

You mean just the halloween jokes were supposed to be bad?

 

[watdahel]

I don't get it.

 

[mdennison]

A priest is walking down the street one day, when he notices a very small boy trying to press on a doorbell on the

house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, places his hand on the child's shoulder,

leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks "And now what, my little man?'

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

 

[yddadnarg]

A man walks into to his doctor's office with no clothes on, wrapped in nothing but saran wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Sir, clearly I can see your nuts"


-----------

Why is PMS called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.



Why can't guys get PMS?

Cause they're pigs.

 

[hungrypete]

<< Why is PMS called PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was taken. >>



lol

 

[woodly6]

A radio station was having a contest to see if anyone could find a word that wasnt in the dictionary that would make sense in a sentence. The Prize was a trip to Bali.

first call:

DJ: Hot 97 whos this?

Caller: Dave

DJ: Allright Dave whats your word?

Caller: Goan, pronouced go-an

DJ: OK that word is not in the dictionary, and now for the trip to Bali use that word in a sentence that makes sense.

Caller: Goan fvck yourself!

Dj hangs up the phone.

Second call:

DJ: Hot 97 whos this?

Caller: Jeff

DJ: Allright Jeff whats your word?

Caller: Smee pronounced smee.

DJ: OK that word is not in the dictionary, and now for the trip to Bali use that word in a sentence that makes sense.

Caller: Smee again Goan fvck yourself!

 

[Infos]

Alright this is a good Friday night joke :Q





An old man, Mr. Silverberg, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Silver berg, 'My penis died today.'

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Silverberg, please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Silverberg was walking down the hall
with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Silverberg,' she said, ' I thought you told me your penis had died?'

'It did,' he replied. 'Today's the viewing.'











:Q:Q

 

[Infos]

And along that same vein



This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers
on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces,

"My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program.

Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body
which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems,
so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV
and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says,

"Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

 

[Infos]

:Q:Q






Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day
when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses,
carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a extremely long leash.

Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump,
Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage.

Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"

"Easy," replied the blind man.
"The leash goes slack."

 

[Infos]

What do you call two lesbian eskimoes?


Fur traders

 

[Infos]

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table,
but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.

By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car
to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her,

'And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too.'

 

[Infos]

Death Bed
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family of a weeping wife
and their four children.

Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic;
but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine.
I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question,
I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath:

"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."








:Q

 

[Infos]

Any engineering students out there?



Two engineering students meet on campus one day.

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day
when this pretty, young coed rode up on this bike.

She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said,

'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," said the first,

"her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[Infos]

A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

He said that she had. So she said,
"Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time."

 

[Infos]

A young woman was so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the Captain said.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."




:Q

 

[Infos]

This guy went to the zoo one day.
While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars,
and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "*@#$! you".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage,
looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

 

[Infos]

Okay One for the golfers


A couple, on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?"
asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says,
"I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to
his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods
to find out what's par for this damn hole..."





:Q

 

[Infos]

Comebacks You'd Rather Not Hear This Weekend


Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

 

[Infos]

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're
cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his
patients, "I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal.
Do you have any idea what you might do
once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well,
I went to school for mechanical engineering.
That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other
hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here
in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here."
The patient continued, "People might be interested in
reading a book like that.
In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history,
which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says,
"Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is,
in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."