Stupid Joke Thread

[Grasshopper27]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile,

"All right. Get in."

 

[Grasshopper27]

A guy reads a newspaper ad that says "All the weight you can lose
1 dollar a pound". So he calls and asks if its true.

"Sure the guy says. Just tell me the amount of weight you want
to lose and your credit card number."

Well the guy says 20 pounds.

"No problem, our representative will be there in the morning."

Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. When he opens the door
theres a beautiful blonde standing there with nothing on but a
sign that reads "IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WAY WITH
ME".

He does and sure enough when he weighs in he has lost 20 pounds.
Excitedly he calls back the weight loss company. "This time I'd
like to lose 50 pounds."

The guy who answered the phone says "Fifty pounds is a lot of
weight at one time - but our representative will be there in the
morning."

Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. The man rushes to
answer it. When he does it's a 500 pound male gorilla with a
sign that reads "IF I CAN CATCH YOU, I'LL HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU".

 

[Keego]

I like the second one

 

[Miramonti]

Originally posted by: Keego
I like the second one

 

[Grasshopper27]

A jealous husband came home one day furious. "O.K. where is he?
I know he's here!"

The wife replied "Where is who? What are you talking about?"

Husband says "He's around here some where, the guy you've been
messing around with". He tears through the closets and rooms.
He can't find anyone. His wife tells him he's over reacting.

Suddenly he hears a car start up, he runs to the window to see a
guy getting in a car below. Frustrated he takes the fridge and
throws it through the window.

The car blows up and kills the guy in it. While tossing the
fridge the husband has a massive heart attack and also dies.

They both arrive in heaven and meet each other.

The husband asks "How'd you get here?"

"All I know is some guy threw a fridge out the window and killed
me"

"Geeze, sorry that was me"

The guy forgives him.

A little later they pass a naked guy just entering heavon and
ask him how he arrived in heavon.

He replied "I was in the fridge minding my own business when......"

 

[Evadman]

The 3rd one owns!

 

[Grasshopper27]

Originally posted by: Evadman
The 3rd one owns!

Thank you, thank you very much... I'm here til Thursday...

 

[Grasshopper27]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. (As he'd had a bad time in
divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would
see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and
there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch
hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But
then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the
last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still
heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he
glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to
the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 

[Grasshopper27]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore
screaming for help.

The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man started, "I
can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!"

The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning
woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing
her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says,
"[cough] ok, bud, where's my 'grand'?"

"But, this is my *mother-in-law*!"

The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my
luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"

 

[Spikey217]

My vote is on #4.

 

[Grasshopper27]

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few
minutes the man cuts a fart.

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.

The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

 

[Grasshopper27]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!

She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

[Nohr]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[Grasshopper27]

Nohr: LOL!!!!

That's funny...

 

[Grasshopper27]

Three days in a row, a guy walked into the barber shop and asked,
"How many people ahead of me?"

The barber would tell him the number - four, six or whatever. On
the fourth day when he walked in and asked, the barber said "Two,"
and the guy ran out again.

"Where in hell does he go when he leaves here?" the barber asked
the room in general. "Over to your house," came the reply.

 

[Nohr]

Originally posted by: grasshopper26
Nohr: LOL!!!!

That's funny...

One of my faves.

 

[Spikey217]

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available
teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed
up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but
each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though, the
bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says
"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a
bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about
the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes.

"Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess.
You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you
know?"

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the
bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad
thing!"

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

"No, I was m@sturbating and I shot the dog."

 

[Grasshopper27]

Spikey217: LOL!!!!!

Now that is funny...

Grasshopper

 

[Grasshopper27]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel
with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their
boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We
have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor
has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the
men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are
tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two
floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall
and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they
realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are
missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor
was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[Evadman]

Spikey

LMFAO!

 

[Grasshopper27]

A guy that has never had sex before was asked by the girlfriend
to come over for dinner and after dinner they were going to have
sex.

So, our virgin friend quickly ran to the pharmacy to buy some condoms and take
some advice from the pharmarcist who told the virgin everything he
knew about sex.

Later on that night at the dinner, the girlfriend's mother asked
everyone to pray before they start eating; after everyone
started eating Mr V was still praying.

The girlfriend says: "I didn't know you prayed this much!!!"

Mr V Says: "I didn't know that your father was a Pharmarcist!!!"

 

[Evadman]

Originally posted by: grasshopper26
A guy that has never had sex before was asked by the girlfriend
to come over for dinner and after dinner they were going to have
sex.

So, our virgin friend quickly ran to the pharmacy to buy some condoms and take
some advice from the pharmarcist who told the virgin everything he
knew about sex.

Later on that night at the dinner, the girlfriend's mother asked
everyone to pray before they start eating; after everyone
started eating Mr V was still praying.

The girlfriend says: "I didn't know you prayed this much!!!"

Mr V Says: "I didn't know that your father was a Pharmarcist!!!"

OMG :Q:Q:Q:Q Best yet!

 

[Nohr]

lol @ there is no way to please a woman
Good stuff.

 

[Grasshopper27]

Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what
did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma
Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I
brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box,
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."