Story time with EyeMWing: "Two minutes"

[EyeMWing]

Two Minutes, a short story by yours truly dealing with two minutes of time in which the world is changed forever. 8 pages, double spaced, .doc format.

Read it and let me know what you think.

.DOC format (Word, WordPad)

 

[Schadenfreude]

8 pages? I don't read 6 pages of treatises written by the world's most recognized philosophers and I find that stuff actually interesting!

Seriously, I ain't reading it, but I'm sure it's written well.

 

[yllus]

The story of how you lost your virginity?

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: Jehovah
8 pages? I don't read 6 pages of treatises written by the world's most recognized philosophers and I find that stuff actually interesting!

Seriously, I ain't reading it, but I'm sure it's written well.

8 pages doublespaced. That's really 4 pages posing as 8.

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: yllus
The story of how you lost your virginity?

Ouch. I guess I asked for that one.

 

[yllus]

Originally posted by: EyeMWing

Originally posted by: yllus
The story of how you lost your virginity?

Ouch. I guess I asked for that one.

I thought I'd get it out of the way early on for ya.

 

[PowerMac4Ever]

You won't be able to get into those Canadian schools with that spelling error in the fourth sentence, ace.

 

[conjur]

Originally posted by: yllus
The story of how you lost your virginity?

That's a one-liner....whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis??

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: PowerMac4Ever
You won't be able to get into those Canadian schools with that spelling error in the fourth sentence, ace.

Spellcheck does not agree with you. Although it does insist that "Nate" is misspelled.

 

[PowerMac4Ever]

Originally posted by: EyeMWing

Originally posted by: PowerMac4Ever
You won't be able to get into those Canadian schools with that spelling error in the fourth sentence, ace.

Spellcheck does not agree with you. Although it does insist that "Nate" is misspelled.

forwards should be forward, grammar noob

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: PowerMac4Ever

Originally posted by: EyeMWing

Originally posted by: PowerMac4Ever
You won't be able to get into those Canadian schools with that spelling error in the fourth sentence, ace.

Spellcheck does not agree with you. Although it does insist that "Nate" is misspelled.

forwards should be forward, grammar noob

Oops. D and S are right there with each other, and I have fat fingers.

 

[MacBaine]

I ran it through grammar check on my machine... suggested a change of

Now it was just up to the engines to get us clear of the blast area.

to

My slut of a girlfriend got tag-teamed on a boat

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: MacBaine
I ran it through grammar check on my machine... suggested a change of

Now it was just up to the engines to get us clear of the blast area.

to

My slut of a girlfriend got tag-teamed on a boat

Jesus, tough crowd.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: MacBaine
I ran it through grammar check on my machine... suggested a change of

Now it was just up to the engines to get us clear of the blast area.

to

My slut of a girlfriend got tag-teamed on a boat

Bwahahaha, ouch!

 

[Murphyrulez]

I thought it was pretty good. The whole numbers thing at the beginning got sorta old though.

Spoilers:

..
..
..














Why did China launch ICBM's at the USA? Did they know the bomber was there?

 

[RaynorWolfcastle]

You really need to work on your flow, reading through that first paragraph was like riding shotgun with someone learning to drive stick.

 

[MAME]

Originally posted by: MacBaine
I ran it through grammar check on my machine... suggested a change of

Now it was just up to the engines to get us clear of the blast area.

to

My slut of a girlfriend got tag-teamed on a boat

lol, that was awesome. you are awesome.

 

[MikeyIs4Dcats]

It kinda went loopy in the first paragraph after "One hundred and sixty-six and two thirds of a football field could be stood on end below us. "

Work on it though. You're no Dale Brown, but you never know...

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: Murphyrulez
I thought it was pretty good. The whole numbers thing at the beginning got sorta old though.

Spoilers:

..
..
..














Why did China launch ICBM's at the USA? Did they know the bomber was there?

Omitted due to the fact that anything like that was outside the scope of the pilot's head. I'd imagine that some Chinese radar operator was paying waaay too much attention to his work and saw the plane momentarily appear. Stealth aircraft with their weapons bays open aren't very stealthy, and for that matter, neither are free-falling bombs. We can also assume political ties.

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: MikeyIs4Dcats
It kinda went loopy in the first paragraph after "One hundred and sixty-six and two thirds of a football field could be stood on end below us. "

Work on it though. You're no Dale Brown, but you never know...

Yeah, you're right. I think I got waaay too into playing with the conversion calculator and forgot that I was writing literature.

 

[EmperorOfIceCream]

Originally posted by: RaynorWolfcastle
You really need to work on your flow, reading through that first paragraph was like riding shotgun with someone learning to drive stick.

I agree. You definately need to work on flow. I've just read the first paragraph, but there were some serious grammar issues in there. When writing, try and think about how each sentence triggers the idea presented in the next sentence. so - instead of

The cockpit was pitch black. The four engines,

Have something like:

The TypeOfPlane's cockpit was pitch black. It's four engines...

This way we know more precisely what is meant by the 'four engines'. But even then, there are still problems. Is it the cockpit's four engines, or the TypeOfPlane's four engines? We don't know for sure. So, I suggest rewriting the first 2 sentences altogether. The idea of the cockpit being black is hanging, disconnected from everything else that is being said.

Keep working at it!

 

[bootymac]

Actually, I quite enjoyed reading that Although you should work on the first paragraph and a bit, with all those numbers and useless stuff

 

[flot]

The story has about 17 times more numbers in it than it should.

In fact, I think it has more numbers than the wall street journal.

Once you get rid of them, it should only be a 6 page story. The idea is pretty good but needs a little more development.

 

[EyeMWing]

TheEmperorOfIceCream: Taken.

Also, does anyone know what the correct formatting for very large numbers is? I'm being told that numbers over 20 should always be written in decimal, not text. Just doesn't seem as powerful to me.

 

[EyeMWing]

Originally posted by: flot
The story has about 17 times more numbers in it than it should.

In fact, I think it has more numbers than the wall street journal.

Once you get rid of them, it should only be a 6 page story. The idea is pretty good but needs a little more development.

What more do you want? It's two minutes! There'll be more, next time I need to turn in a short story for CW class, on the ground in what was once the United States. It's already half written.

Regarding the numbers. The narrator is a very facts-oriented person and only extreme events directly affecting him elicit emotion. Always has been, always will be. I wrote some minor stuff about his academy time over the summer, but it didn't turn out well at all (primarily because I can't build an authentic feeling of the USAF Academy in my mind)