• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

Spider!!!! I'm lucky to be alive and/or not a mutant today

Jeeebus

Jeeebus

Diamond Member
Just finished cleaning up about 65 lbs of great dane poop from the side yard this morning and made my way around to the front of the house to provide the garbage-genderneutralterm people a stinky gift. Walked through the usual early morning spider web - mildly annoying and caused me to flail my arms around like the typical crazy person.

Then, as I'm trying to get the small web off my forehead, I walk into a scene straight from Lord of the Rings - except I don't have a cool glow bottle and am a hell of a lot taller than a hobbit, so I was pretty much fucked from the get-go. This thing, this massive web of death, was all over my face - it was like I was suddenly a lonely sorority girl to its pizza delivery guy in a hardcore porn. No matter how hard I tried, the delivery was made.

At this point, I've got one hand swinging a bag of poop while the other is trying to pull web out of my eyes so I can see wtf is happening. As it turns out, I should have stayed blind. By chance, amidst the arm flailing, my head turned right, and there he was. Death himself. Conservatively, I would estimate the size of the spider crawling off my shirt collar and onto the delicate flesh of my neck to be approximately 15 feet long and 275 lbs. Of course, when he's roughly 3 inches from your pupils, he may appear slightly larger.

So I did what every red-blooded American, provider for his family, would do. I jumped about six feet into the air, screamed like a 6 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert, and stripped my shirt off. I then proceeded to punch myself in the ear - no, not the one where the spider is - the other one for some reason. I then ran around to the other side of the house as fast as I could and screamed some more.

As far as I can tell, no spider bites. But I'm slightly concerned about the 500 or so spider eggs now resting in my inner ear. What are the odds the spider is waiting for me when I get back home tonight - with murder on his mind? I'm thinking 70/30.
 
Jimmah said:
Great story, minus 2 points for lack of pics, but otherwise good 😛

8/10
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, a Jeeebus MSPaint would be NSFW in this situation. A drawing of my rippling pecs, coupled with the foul 35-legged beast, would be too much for ATOT to handle.
 
Jeeebus said:
Unfortunately, a Jeeebus MSPaint would be NSFW in this situation. A drawing of my rippling pecs, coupled with the foul 35-legged beast, would be too much for ATOT to handle.
Click to expand...

You are just afraid of competing with my awesome Paint skills. It's ok - I don't blame you.

Oh and the spider isn't waiting to you - it has moved on to other victims. Your body will serve as food for the soon to hatch spiderlings. Eat up - you've got a lot of mouths to feed
 
i had a bee chase me once and i ran around screaming and flailing my arms like a little girl. i thought no one saw me. then my hot neighbor says "don't worry SandEagle, i wont tell anyone what i just saw.". fml 🙁
 
Aye and as I see you are in my neck of the woods; Was it one of these?

images


Or more like this?

golden_silk_orb-weaver_2007-12-08_0463.jpg
 
bobdole369 said:
Aye and as I see you are in my neck of the woods; Was it one of these?

images


Or more like this?

golden_silk_orb-weaver_2007-12-08_0463.jpg
Click to expand...

I'm sure it was one of the giant yellow and black garden spiders.

byargiope8m1.jpg


They make massive, perfect webs*, often completely covering the entire walkway.

*like the stereotypical halloween spiderweb design but with a zig-zag in the middle so that birds will see and not fly through
 
Truth be told, I did not stop to politely and calmly ask him what type of venomous demon he was. It had 47 legs, fur, black, beady, doll's eyes, and fangs.

I guess it looked like the pic CZroe posted above, but then again, I'm a spider racist, and they all look alike to me.
 
Jeeebus said:
Truth be told, I did not stop to politely and calmly ask him what type of venomous demon he was. It had 47 legs, fur, black, beady, doll's eyes, and fangs.

I guess it looked like the pic CZroe posted above, but then again, I'm a spider racist, and they all look alike to me.
Click to expand...

With each telling, it gains more legs.

t
 
Men are not scared of scared of spiders. OP, you have a shredder at work, right? Please go to it and insert your man card.
 
I feel the same way about spiders.

Unfortunately, I've had so many - when I move things, big black ones come out including I think black widows; I've had them crawl across my computer screen inches from my face and across the keyboard while I'm typing. One night I was watching tv when something distracted me close to my face and it was a spider lowering itself onto me from the ceiling. I put my legs under a big wood desk I think must have ones just waiting.

Try getting up from the toilet and then seeing there was a spider close by where you were sitting.

I had one spider resembling the one in the story. Looking out a window at a structure 25 feet away, there was a big black spider, who had someone made a web reaching from the roof of the structure to a hammock a few feet away. I shouldn't be able to see a spider that far.

Speaking of hammocks, I never enjoyed mine, because it had two wood bars with a dozen holes for the ropes right next to where you put your head. Holes that were great hiding places for spiders, where they did hide. So to use the hammock was a 20 minute process of finding something to carefully poke each hole first.
 
On my first day of motorcycle training, we all set our helmets on the ground for lunch. When I put it back on, I felt a tickling on my ear. Then I felt a bite/sting, and another, and another. I ripped my helmet off and found...

...

...
fireants. *whew* I dunno why, but it would've been so uch worse if it were a spider
!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

TRENDING THREADS

Back
Top