It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
BRANDEIS: Hey kids! Were you a loser in your high school? Are you ugly...and fat? Do you love soap operas? Do you want to live in one? Do you like to study your ass off and never get good grades? Are you Jewish? Are you willing to convert? Well, if you are, then COME TO BRANDEIS?!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
VASSAR: Hey kids! Did you get rejected from Brown? Hey! So did we! All of us!! Are you gay? Do you want to be? Aren't you dying to know if that SPIN article was true??? (women- Of course it wasn't!.....men- aww yeah!!!) Come help us put the 'ass' in Vassar! COME TO VASSAR!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!
YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you blondes and finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to Vandy!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE NATION:
MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." "Have some fries."
Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate." "Me, too. Pass the tea."
Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." "Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B." "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Stanford: "Dude, I got a B." "Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some fries."
Vanderbilt: "I didn't get into my sorority because my daddy doesn't make enough money." "Don't cry princess. Have some Baked Lays."
Brandeis: "I got into my sorority because they paid me, they said that they were desperate for normal girls" "Celebrate! Have some more cake."
Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend." "Poor dear. Have some escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?" "Nope. Have some fries."
Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here." "Have a banana."
Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay." "Ditto. Have some fries."
Dartmouth:"Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin awesome." "Have some beer."
Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league." "Here drink the fry grease."
Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog." "Here, look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."
Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow." "Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go laugh at the American U. students."
Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night." "Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."
William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial outfit." "Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."
Smith: "Oh my gosh! I love your hair." "Sorry, I'm straight... Pass the fries."
HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB AT . . .
Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill
Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician
Brown: Eleven--one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience
Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity
Cornell: Two--One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure
Brandeis: The whole school. It would be the most exciting event to happen in years
Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it
Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest
Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark
Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch
Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation
Middlebury: Five--One to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion
Stanford: One, dude
Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one
Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students
Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket
Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do
Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student
Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it
Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress
Bryn Mawr: One- because it would be a violation of the Honor Code if any more did.
Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework
Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that
Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out
Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.
Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in
Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time
Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their light bulbs.<!-/Text-!>
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
BRANDEIS: Hey kids! Were you a loser in your high school? Are you ugly...and fat? Do you love soap operas? Do you want to live in one? Do you like to study your ass off and never get good grades? Are you Jewish? Are you willing to convert? Well, if you are, then COME TO BRANDEIS?!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
VASSAR: Hey kids! Did you get rejected from Brown? Hey! So did we! All of us!! Are you gay? Do you want to be? Aren't you dying to know if that SPIN article was true??? (women- Of course it wasn't!.....men- aww yeah!!!) Come help us put the 'ass' in Vassar! COME TO VASSAR!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!
YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you blondes and finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to Vandy!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE NATION:
MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend." "Have some fries."
Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate." "Me, too. Pass the tea."
Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend." "Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B." "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Stanford: "Dude, I got a B." "Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some fries."
Vanderbilt: "I didn't get into my sorority because my daddy doesn't make enough money." "Don't cry princess. Have some Baked Lays."
Brandeis: "I got into my sorority because they paid me, they said that they were desperate for normal girls" "Celebrate! Have some more cake."
Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend." "Poor dear. Have some escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?" "Nope. Have some fries."
Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here." "Have a banana."
Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay." "Ditto. Have some fries."
Dartmouth:"Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin awesome." "Have some beer."
Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league." "Here drink the fry grease."
Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog." "Here, look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."
Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow." "Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go laugh at the American U. students."
Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night." "Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."
William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial outfit." "Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."
Smith: "Oh my gosh! I love your hair." "Sorry, I'm straight... Pass the fries."
HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB AT . . .
Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill
Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician
Brown: Eleven--one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience
Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity
Cornell: Two--One to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure
Brandeis: The whole school. It would be the most exciting event to happen in years
Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it
Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest
Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark
Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch
Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation
Middlebury: Five--One to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion
Stanford: One, dude
Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one
Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students
Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket
Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do
Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student
Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it
Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress
Bryn Mawr: One- because it would be a violation of the Honor Code if any more did.
Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework
Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that
Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out
Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.
Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in
Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time
Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their light bulbs.<!-/Text-!>
