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Something horrifying just happened to me

E

Exterous

Super Moderator
I was minding my own business in my bedroom when I saw a spider suspended in mid air in front of me. I froze in fear for a second. Then the rational side of my brain said "No big deal. Just grab the string of his web and put him outside where he can kill mosquitos." So I stood up and pretended to be calm as I faced off almost eye to eyes with him. Unfortunately he must have smelled the fear pouring from my body as he immediately started moving towards me parallel to the ground

The non rational part of my brain screamed "Holy shit that fucker can levitate!"

I instinctively backed away but he followed me. Even worse he was gaining! No matter how fast I backed up he was faster. Clearly the battle was joined and he planned to use his superior speed to get inside my reach and ravage my face holes with his legs. Fortune was on my side though as I saw a slight glimmer of the thread he was scrambling along, before it faded into the distance, most likely anchored somewhere in the depths of hell. I must have been ensnared in it when I stood up. Shoving panic aside and grinning in delight I knew I had his weakness. I swiped the air in front of my face, severing our connection. He dropped to the ground, dazed. I grabbed a tissue and squished him, firmly victorious and ensuring my place as king over my domain.

Still I should probably sell my house and change my name
 
Now you can rest easy with the knowledge that his myriad brethren who were watching are definitely not going to revenge nest in your ears and nose while you sleep tonight.
 
brianmanahan said:
i'm gonna need a picture to visualize how this all went down
Click to expand...
exterous.png
 
Hi guys - just thought I'd give an update. I'm totally fine. No need to check in on me. The spiders did not retaliate at all. In fact they are all pretty cool. We should all be nicer to spiders. Yep spiders are the super duper coolest.
 
SKORPI0 said:
You killed the baby spider, daddy spider biding their time to seeking revenge. 😵
Click to expand...
*blink* *blink* *blink*

What?! No no no they would never do that. Spiders are nice.

*slow blink* *slow blink* *slow blink*

They forgive me for this simple misunderstanding.

*blink* *blink* *blink*

We are friends now. Yep. Friends. For sure.
 
I grabbed a tissue and squished him, firmly victorious and ensuring my place as king over my domain.
Click to expand...
Underneath any murderous bully, be they a school shooter or a stand my ground agent of the asswipe arachnarcide squad, lies the pitifully fearful heart of a pussy. A pox on you, sir!

Mayne said:
I always had an affinity for spiders, this story makes me sad.
Click to expand...
Me too. I go to the greatest of lengths to safely catch and escort outside any spider I find in my house.
 
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