On an airline flight, Bill Clinton was seated next to an elderly priest. A
minor technical problem at the gate delayed the flight, and the captain
announced that the airline would be offering a free round of drinks as an
apology.
When the charming and attractive flight attendant came by, Clinton ordered a
double scotch. He leaned back with his drink as the attendant asked the
priest if he would like a drink.
"Oh, no thank you," replied the priest. "I would rather commit adultery than
drink alcohol."
Choking on his swallow of scotch, Clinton quickly put his drink back on the
beverage cart. "Excuse me, miss, I didn't know I had a choice."
________________________________
For his 40th birthday, an eye doctor had his friends and family come over to
his house. After everyone had arrived, his wife blindfolded him and led him
to a table where she had placed his surprise cake. Taking off his blindfold,
the doctor took one look at the cake and burst into laughter. In front of
him was a huge cake with 40 candy eyes decorating it! When he couldn't stop
laughing, one guest asked him what was so funny.
The doctor wiped his eyes and through his giggles said, "I'm just thinking
of my buddy who'll be 40 next week. He's a gynecologist!"
________________________________
Young son: Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her. Is that true?
Father: That happens in every country, son.
________________________________
A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a
farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the
hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"
The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell
pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed
the two bigger moles.
Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
________________________________
An Irish immigrant walks into the local bar and notices
another man there whom he thinks just has to be a fellow
Irishman. So he sidles over to the man and says, "Hey
there you, you don't look like you were born around here.
No offence or rudeness meant, but where are you from?"
The man already at the bar says, "I was born 'pon the
Emerald Isle, my friend."
"Oh really? I'm an Irishman m'self! Where in Ireland
were you born?"
"Over on the west side of Dublin."
"Such a coincidence! I'm from West Dublin too! What
church did you go to, my friend?"
"St. Mary of Sorrows, over on Alder Street."
"You don' say! That's the very same place where I went!"
Anyway, this goes on for awhile, the two of them thumping
each other on the back and buying drinks for each other.
In the meantime, another man has walked into the bar,
notices all of this, and whispers to the bartender,
"Joyous reunion, huh?"
"Not really," the bartender sighs. "The O'Shea twins
are just drunk again."
________________________________
A monk takes a vow of silence. He's silent for five years,
and then he is called before the head monk. The head monk
congratulates him on his achievement, and offers him a
chance to say two words. The monk utters, "Bed hard."
Five more years pass. On his tenth anniversary, the silent
monk sees the head monk again. He is allowed two more
words, and says, "Food bad."
Five years later, the monk is allowed to speak after a total
of fifteen years.
His words: "I quit."
"Well, you might as well quit," replies the head monk, "You've
done nothing but complain since you got here!"
________________________________
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of
a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell
me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
________________________________
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his
feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out
of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
________________________________
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her
up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there
was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her
a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening,
he's still gonna get it wrong.
________________________________
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed,
place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set,
placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right
hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't
get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the
dead."
________________________________
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus
and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants
pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him
and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances
from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
________________________________
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS
blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200
lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6'
2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right
is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain
it five times."
________________________________
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said....Do you love me just because my father left me
a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who
left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave
the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
________________________________
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the
husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him
to go home, get a cherry bomb(fireworks are legal in Alabama),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to
10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .
", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand...
Also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, and most other Southern
states...
________________________________
minor technical problem at the gate delayed the flight, and the captain
announced that the airline would be offering a free round of drinks as an
apology.
When the charming and attractive flight attendant came by, Clinton ordered a
double scotch. He leaned back with his drink as the attendant asked the
priest if he would like a drink.
"Oh, no thank you," replied the priest. "I would rather commit adultery than
drink alcohol."
Choking on his swallow of scotch, Clinton quickly put his drink back on the
beverage cart. "Excuse me, miss, I didn't know I had a choice."
________________________________
For his 40th birthday, an eye doctor had his friends and family come over to
his house. After everyone had arrived, his wife blindfolded him and led him
to a table where she had placed his surprise cake. Taking off his blindfold,
the doctor took one look at the cake and burst into laughter. In front of
him was a huge cake with 40 candy eyes decorating it! When he couldn't stop
laughing, one guest asked him what was so funny.
The doctor wiped his eyes and through his giggles said, "I'm just thinking
of my buddy who'll be 40 next week. He's a gynecologist!"
________________________________
Young son: Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her. Is that true?
Father: That happens in every country, son.
________________________________
A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a
farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the
hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"
The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell
pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed
the two bigger moles.
Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
________________________________
An Irish immigrant walks into the local bar and notices
another man there whom he thinks just has to be a fellow
Irishman. So he sidles over to the man and says, "Hey
there you, you don't look like you were born around here.
No offence or rudeness meant, but where are you from?"
The man already at the bar says, "I was born 'pon the
Emerald Isle, my friend."
"Oh really? I'm an Irishman m'self! Where in Ireland
were you born?"
"Over on the west side of Dublin."
"Such a coincidence! I'm from West Dublin too! What
church did you go to, my friend?"
"St. Mary of Sorrows, over on Alder Street."
"You don' say! That's the very same place where I went!"
Anyway, this goes on for awhile, the two of them thumping
each other on the back and buying drinks for each other.
In the meantime, another man has walked into the bar,
notices all of this, and whispers to the bartender,
"Joyous reunion, huh?"
"Not really," the bartender sighs. "The O'Shea twins
are just drunk again."
________________________________
A monk takes a vow of silence. He's silent for five years,
and then he is called before the head monk. The head monk
congratulates him on his achievement, and offers him a
chance to say two words. The monk utters, "Bed hard."
Five more years pass. On his tenth anniversary, the silent
monk sees the head monk again. He is allowed two more
words, and says, "Food bad."
Five years later, the monk is allowed to speak after a total
of fifteen years.
His words: "I quit."
"Well, you might as well quit," replies the head monk, "You've
done nothing but complain since you got here!"
________________________________
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of
a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell
me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
________________________________
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his
feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out
of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
________________________________
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her
up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there
was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a
McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her
a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening,
he's still gonna get it wrong.
________________________________
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed,
place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set,
placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right
hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't
get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the
dead."
________________________________
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus
and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants
pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him
and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances
from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
________________________________
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS
blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200
lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6'
2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right
is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain
it five times."
________________________________
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said....Do you love me just because my father left me
a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who
left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave
the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
________________________________
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the
husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him
to go home, get a cherry bomb(fireworks are legal in Alabama),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The
Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb,
light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to
10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .
", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand...
Also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, and most other Southern
states...
________________________________
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