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So is this how the social scene works?

Jeff7

Jeff7

Lifer
Another lesson from South Park? Go figure.

I just watched the episode "Here Comes the Neighborhood," where a bunch of rich families move to South Park, but are then scared away by....."ghosts."

At the end, the boys invite Token to play football, but he thinks that they're not his friends because they "rip on him all the time."

Stan: "Dude just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you."
Kyle: "Yeah, we're guys dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on."

So is that the way it works in the real world? I've pondered at times if the constant antagonism I endured from 2nd grade until graduation was something along these lines, and not intended to be personal or truly insulting. I was pretty quiet and withdrawn; was this "ripping" some kind of an attempt to include me in the group?
 
My friends and I tend to rip each fairly often. It's usually a joke, but sometimes jokes have a hint of truth in them.
 
Originally posted by: txrandom
My friends and I tend to rip each fairly often. It's usually a joke, but sometimes jokes have a hint of truth in them.
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So how did you learn that it wasn't intended to be personally insulting? I guess if you're already friends, then you might know that it's in good fun, but say it's coming from people you don't know well. Did you learn it at home? I never really did anything at all like that with my friends. We'd just play computer games, or Legos, or maybe go to a nearby pond. I really don't recall any ripping though.


Originally posted by: GagHalfrunt
Totally. You have to rip your friends far more than you rip anyone else.
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Now let's assume that while I was in school, I had no such desire to rip on anyone else, at all.
 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Ripping on you is your friends' way of building you up. So get used to it.. or turn into a pile of goo.

 
Seriously?

Yes, all but the most pansy-assed people enjoy ripping on each other. Determining whether a particular rip is just good fun, an obvious insult, or an insult in disguise is an acquired skill, but an invaluable one. The only guarantee is that not having a sense of humor about one's self is a major turn-off to most.
 
Originally posted by: Jeff7
So is that the way it works in the real world? I've pondered at times if the constant antagonism I endured from 2nd grade until graduation was something along these lines, and not intended to be personal or truly insulting. I was pretty quiet and withdrawn; was this "ripping" some kind of an attempt to include me in the group?
Click to expand...

Only if they were actually your friends... so if you have to ask, I'm thinking they probably weren't your friends or you would have known they weren't being serious.
 
i think it kinda is true. I dealt with the atogonism the same way as you as a kid (withdrew) but once i hit high school (and puberty gaining an extra few inches and a bit of muscle 😉) it changed. Once i started atogonsing back a mutual respect formed. I ended up having a wierd kind of friendship with the same guys that harassed me freshman year - by junior year the same guys that harassed me were working out with me in the gym. there were still the jokes but i'd get them back with whatever they hit me with.
 
Originally posted by: mugs
Only if they were actually your friends... so if you have to ask, I'm thinking they probably weren't your friends or you would have known they weren't being serious.
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Or it could have been that I was totally clueless as to how "normal" people interact, a notion which I most definitely can't discount.
I just perceived it as no one liking most things about me, and if it was an attempt to include me, it failed miserably, having quite the opposite effect. I just got the idea that pretty much everyone hated me, and it turned into a pretty thick layering of cynicism in my thinking processes. I learned to avoid eye contact, because it usually invited more insults. Or even now, when I hear anyone laugh, I feel a slight flush because my first thought is that it's directed at me. It's not thinking so much as an instant reaction. I find myself constantly and immediately wondering what someone else is thinking/planning if they glance in my direction.


Originally posted by: brxndxn
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
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How about a spinal cord injury or a disease that causes muscular degeneration?
Some sayings aren't always accurate.😉


There was another South Park, where they said that school is about being kids, and being social, or something to that effect.
For me, I took school as seriously as, if not moreso than, people take their jobs. My thinking was, the adults said it was important, and they were adults, they knew what they were talking about. So, it's important, don't screwing around and engage in frivolity. To give you an idea of my behavior, my teacher told my parents that on the first day of kindergarten, I went in, quietly found my name at one of the various desks, sat down, folded my hands on the table, and waited for her to start. Everyone else was doing who knows what, but I perceived it as being a formal place, and it always was as such.


Originally posted by: Drakkon
i think it kinda is true. I dealt with the atogonism the same way as you as a kid (withdrew) but once i hit high school (and puberty gaining an extra few inches and a bit of muscle 😉) it changed. Once i started atogonsing back a mutual respect formed. I ended up having a wierd kind of friendship with the same guys that harassed me freshman year - by junior year the same guys that harassed me were working out with me in the gym. there were still the jokes but i'd get them back with whatever they hit me with.
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Heh, when I was a senior, the freshman were still taller than me. And yes, they picked on me too. I couldn't really fight back, as I didn't understand the nature of their attacks. I saw no motivation for it, no point, and no pattern. My wit wasn't exactly quick, I talk quietly (I honestly don't remember the last time I've yelled for any reason), and I tend to slur syllables. I did have the sense to know that if an insult was to be made, it had to be done with volume, and done clearly, or it would backfire completely.
 
Originally posted by: Skeeedunt
Seriously?

Yes, all but the most pansy-assed people enjoy ripping on each other. Determining whether a particular rip is just good fun, an obvious insult, or an insult in disguise is an acquired skill, but an invaluable one. The only guarantee is that not having a sense of humor about one's self is a major turn-off to most.
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First sentence- pretty narrow viewpoint. I used to think something like this when I was younger, but I've stopped thinking it was nice to pick on people. When I want to joke around, I substitute something harmless (usually...I'm still not out of the old habit completely). And, to put it mildly, nobody who knows me thinks I'm a pansy. Except people who would say something like you said, which I do not find to be a majority.

"There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the righteous promotes health." Proverbs 12:18. I try to remember this every time I feel like picking on someone.

The other two sentences I mostly agree with. Reading between the lines like this is an important skill, but it can be extremely difficult for people with autism spectrum disorders (like me) or a history of being abused (also like me). This is part of why I disagree with your first sentence.
 
it's in the delivery and the timing. it's like talking dirty to your girlfriend. calling her a b!tch during a session of hot sex is one thing, but call her by the same name when having an argument will be taken much differently.
 
Originally posted by: angminas
Originally posted by: Skeeedunt
Seriously?

Yes, all but the most pansy-assed people enjoy ripping on each other. Determining whether a particular rip is just good fun, an obvious insult, or an insult in disguise is an acquired skill, but an invaluable one. The only guarantee is that not having a sense of humor about one's self is a major turn-off to most.
Click to expand...

First sentence- pretty narrow viewpoint. I used to think something like this when I was younger, but I've stopped thinking it was nice to pick on people. When I want to joke around, I substitute something harmless (usually...I'm still not out of the old habit completely). And, to put it mildly, nobody who knows me thinks I'm a pansy. Except people who would say something like you said, which I do not find to be a majority.

"There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the righteous promotes health." Proverbs 12:18. I try to remember this every time I feel like picking on someone.

The other two sentences I mostly agree with. Reading between the lines like this is an important skill, but it can be extremely difficult for people with autism spectrum disorders (like me) or a history of being abused (also like me). This is part of why I disagree with your first sentence.
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Amusingly, I read it as "The most pansy-assed people enjoy ripping on each other." I didn't catch it until you brought it to my attention. Thank you. I often thought of those doing the picking-on as having weak egos, having to constantly put others down to make themselves look better by comparison. It happens in the animal world, it happens here too. Apes in the forest have got to look all big and bad to impress the fine ladies and to make them look all badass to their buddies. Just look how far we've come. Sad.

I guess I was one of those who never had a shred of harmful intent. It seems like Andy in Shawshank Redemption - "On the outside I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. They had to send me to prison to make me a crook." I picked up the notion of harmful intent from others in the hellhole of school. God I hated it there. It sure did teach me things. It taught me not to trust people, to always question intent, that people are not reliable, and to just generally avoid others if possible. Which I guess is alright, I guess I had to learn sooner or later than humanity can just be pretty damn ugly when it wants to be. I guess it's a rude awakening that I still don't like to live with.

For example, I dislike the concept of door locks. Door locks! Why? They are a simple reminder every day that we can't trust fellow humans not to enter our homes in the night, steal our belongings, or even kill us. Evolution says that we're a level above the apes. Religion says we're divine. It seems at the core, we're still just primitive animals, ready to kill another person if the need or even desire arises, rather than show a microgram of compassion. That just seems utterly hypocritical, and to me, well, upsetting and sad.

Or history. How are epochs in history often measured? By warfare, by conquest. It's been that way for thousands of years, and here we are today, still at it. Killing out of perceptions of threats, killing for lies, killing for vendettas, killing for boredom maybe? And no, that's not specifically about the Iraq war, that's just for the fighting in general. You name it, Darfur, Iraq, Iran, or a murder in Washington DC. It's just disgusting, pathetic, and in my mind, it makes little sense.
 
Originally posted by: angminas
Originally posted by: Skeeedunt
Seriously?

Yes, all but the most pansy-assed people enjoy ripping on each other. Determining whether a particular rip is just good fun, an obvious insult, or an insult in disguise is an acquired skill, but an invaluable one. The only guarantee is that not having a sense of humor about one's self is a major turn-off to most.
Click to expand...

First sentence- pretty narrow viewpoint. I used to think something like this when I was younger, but I've stopped thinking it was nice to pick on people. When I want to joke around, I substitute something harmless (usually...I'm still not out of the old habit completely). And, to put it mildly, nobody who knows me thinks I'm a pansy. Except people who would say something like you said, which I do not find to be a majority.

"There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the righteous promotes health." Proverbs 12:18. I try to remember this every time I feel like picking on someone.

The other two sentences I mostly agree with. Reading between the lines like this is an important skill, but it can be extremely difficult for people with autism spectrum disorders (like me) or a history of being abused (also like me). This is part of why I disagree with your first sentence.
Click to expand...

I'll admit that the first sentence is an exaggeration. I'll also admit that the comment sounded pretty dickish in retrospect, which wasn't really my intention.

Still, I'm willing to bet that at least the majority of people enjoy some level of good-natured ribbing. You seem to be believe that this is a bad thing, and we'd be better off speaking only kindly of each other... I'd contend that in moderation, in the appropriate circumstances, it's actually perfectly healthy to exchange some jokingly harsh words with friends.
 
Originally posted by: Jeff7
Another lesson from South Park? Go figure.

I just watched the episode "Here Comes the Neighborhood," where a bunch of rich families move to South Park, but are then scared away by....."ghosts."

At the end, the boys invite Token to play football, but he thinks that they're not his friends because they "rip on him all the time."

Stan: "Dude just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you."
Kyle: "Yeah, we're guys dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on."

So is that the way it works in the real world? I've pondered at times if the constant antagonism I endured from 2nd grade until graduation was something along these lines, and not intended to be personal or truly insulting. I was pretty quiet and withdrawn; was this "ripping" some kind of an attempt to include me in the group?
Click to expand...

Text
 
Originally posted by: Skeeedunt
I'll admit that the first sentence is an exaggeration. I'll also admit that the comment sounded pretty dickish in retrospect, which wasn't really my intention.

Still, I'm willing to bet that at least the majority of people enjoy some level of good-natured ribbing. You seem to be believe that this is a bad thing, and we'd be better off speaking only kindly of each other... I'd contend that in moderation, in the appropriate circumstances, it's actually perfectly healthy to exchange some jokingly harsh words with friends.
Click to expand...
Two years after I got out of school, I worked for two and a half years at Walmart. There I finally started to learn about this good-natured ribbing stuff. But while I was in school, that concept just didn't exist for me. You either said nice/benign things, or you said mean things. That was it. Sarcasm was largely unknown until high school. I would see it, such as in the show Daria, but I couldn't get a sense of when it was being used elsewhere. With Daria, I knew what it was because that's what she did, and she did it well. It was effectively labeled and framed clearly. Real world - no such thing.
As Skeeedunt said, it's an "acquired skill," one which I didn't know how to acquire. I needed things to be made clear, like, if someone's being sarcastic, I'd need to be told explicitly, kind of as a way of calibrating myself. But I never got that, so there was no calibration. It's like being a young child being shown a bunch of colors for the first time, and you're asked, "Which one is the red one?" You haven't been "calibrated" to know that the light centered around a wavelength of 650nm, so you have no idea which color to point to.
 
Originally posted by: Skeeedunt

I'll admit that the first sentence is an exaggeration. I'll also admit that the comment sounded pretty dickish in retrospect, which wasn't really my intention.

Still, I'm willing to bet that at least the majority of people enjoy some level of good-natured ribbing. You seem to be believe that this is a bad thing, and we'd be better off speaking only kindly of each other... I'd contend that in moderation, in the appropriate circumstances, it's actually perfectly healthy to exchange some jokingly harsh words with friends.
Click to expand...

I think I agree with your revised version. I had a feeling this was what you meant, so I put some thought and care into my response. "Good-natured" is the important part here, I think. Basically the difference between sparring and fighting. It's weird how people (and apparently mostly men) so often express affection and brotherhood through mock violence. It's difficult for me, as I have a quick temper, a sharp wit, and a sharp tongue, and I don't work in a high-IQ environment. For me, it's like wrestling with toddlers. I have to direct as much effort against myself as against the other person to avoid hurting them. I guess I balance it out with a bit of physical sparring, where I often get smacked down. Getting your butt kicked is not always a bad thing.
 
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