So, I'm about to become single again...

[KeithTalent]

After 10 years of living together, been married for 5 of them, she is leaving. Calling it a 'trial separation' but we both know it is over.

I am 30, so most of my adult life I have been with her, now I am just kind of wondering what to do. Anyone have any knowledge they want to share? On June 1st when she's gone, what should I do first, aside from wallowing in self-pity (I'm already doing that)?

I was thinking a trip to Vegas, but all of my friends are married and a lot of them have kids, so to plan something short notice is tough.

Anyway, just looking for some advice/tips & tactics.

Thanks, KT.


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UPDATE: Hi everyone, I just thought I would drop an update for all of those wonderful souls who posted and pmed me.

Things are getting better for me, though I am still waiting for my wife to leave (June 1st) so it has been kind of difficult seeing her here everyday. I think things will be better when she is fully gone as I will actually be able to start moving on (she moved on a long time ago, so it's not so hard for her, maybe just awkward)

I have been going to the gym religiously, as so many of you advised. Feeling great physically, so thanks for that.

I have not spent a single minute gaming, and have barely watched TV since the last time I posted. I have started to work my way through some of the books I have never had a chance (or at least thought I never had a chance) to read. Also, work and school (getting my accounting designation) have been a good distraction.

I went to San Francisco last weekend, which was a lot of fun, and helped keep my mind off things, particularly the massage

The most exciting part of all of this is I just booked a trip to Japan for August. This is a trip I have always wanted to do, but I know my wife never wanted to, and I am really looking forward to it. I only wish the trip started tomorrow.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and let you know that I did take your advice and encouragement to heart.

I know this is not my blog, and I apologize for the long blathering update, but I just wanted to let everyone know what was happening, and more importantly to say thank you.

Time for bed.

Cheers, KT

 

[UnatcoAgent]

If you don't go to the gym - start going.

It will make you feel better

 

[FoBoT]

http://www.fpmt.org/imi/firstletter.htm

 

[ed21x]

where are you located? we can all go out and have a :beer:

 

[fbrdphreak]

Gym :thumbsup:
Porn :thumbsup:
Computer games :thumbsup:
Booty calls :thumbsup:

 

[paulney]

Travel some place outside US. Europe, Asia, Australia... The further away - the better.

 

[AStar617]

Take this time to reinvent yourself. You might be crying on the inside, but if any of her friends see you, they should think that you are shining Get active. Start working out. Change your wardrobe. Start some new hobbies... etc etc. You'll be fine :beer:

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: Sabot
If you don't go to the gym - start going.

It will make you feel better

Just started again, feeling great about it. I'm not huge, just out of shape, but so far so good. Great advice!

Originally posted by: FoBoT
http://www.fpmt.org/imi/firstletter.htm

LMAO, thanks, I'll take that under consideration.

Originally posted by: ed21x
where are you located? we can all go out and have a :beer:

Vancouver, BC. I had several :beer: on Friday

 

[UnatcoAgent]

Goodluck my friend, don't let yourself feel down.

 

[KeithTalent]

Thanks everyone, some great advice here. I am definitely thinking of a trip, plus I may build that high-end PC I was never allowed to.

Luckily we do not have any kids; makes things a little easier.

 

[UnatcoAgent]

Yeah with kids it would SUCK bigtime

 

[Pepsi90919]

are you related to billy talent

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: Sabot
Yeah with kids it would SUCK bigtime

No kidding, it is tough enough trying to work out visitaion for our pet rabbit

 

[Fern]

Well, that happened to me once. I was really depressed etc.

1st thing that helped was not staying at "our" place (which of course became just my place). I was lucky enough enough to have a great friend from work who was single. For quite some time I basically stayed at his place sleeping on the sofa.

2nd thing was after some time had passed I made up my mind to give up on reconciling with her, tosed the wedding ring into a drawer and decided to do some serious babe hunting in Amsterdam and other fun places.

I'd suggest staying out of any remotely serious relationship for while.

Gym's a good idea too.

Good Luck with it,

Fern

 

[SaltBoy]

Just curious, when did things start to fall apart?

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: Pepsi90919
are you related to billy talent

Lol, no. I don't know how you can be related to an entire band, unless it was The Osmonds or something. Read 'London Fields' by Martin Amis.

 

[NaOH]

Go out, workout, do things you couldn't do when you were married and meet more girls. Please don't sit at home playing video games and posting on ATOT. Best advice I can give you.

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: Fern
Well, that happened to me once. I was really depressed etc.

1st thing that helped was not staying at "our" place (which of course became just my place). I was lucky enough enough to have a great friend from work who was single. For quite some time I basically stayed at his place sleeping on the sofa.

2nd thing was after some time had passed I made up my mind to give up on reconciling with her, tosed the wedding ring into a drawer and decidedd to o some serious babe hunting in Amsterdam and other fun places.

I'd suggest staying out of any remotely serious relationship for while.

Gym's a good idea too.

Good Luck with it,

Fern

Good points. At first I was thinking 'screw you, I'm not moving, you decided to do this' but the more I think about things it may be better to just start fresh. I will probably give it a few weeks and see how things go.

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
Just curious, when did things start to fall apart?

Apparently a year ago for her. Much more recent than that for me. In all reality I never realized things were so bad for her; we were still making all kinds of plans, but I guess she had been holding it in for a while and it was eating her up inside.

 

[FoBoT]

and pm michaelD for some private tips

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: AMDUALY
Go out, workout, do things you couldn't do when you were married and meet more girls. Please don't sit at home playing video games and posting on ATOT. Best advice I can give you.

Good plan. I'm at work right now, which is mainly when I post. Staying of my ass and getting out and about is probably the best thing I can do.

 

[dullard]

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. You sound exactly like me a year ago. Well for me it was 11 years together, 6 married, no children. But close enough.

My first question, is there anything worth salvaging in the relationship? If you could, would you make things better? Or is it a lost cause? If it is salvagable, I think I have some good hints to help you. If not, I've been there and have good hints on how to minimize the financial disaster that the divorce will be.

Things to do:

[*] I decided to reinvent myself. I changed my clothing style, started lifting weights, gave up computer games, went out to parties/socializing that my ex didn't let me go to, invite people over that my ex never allowed me to, etc. The self-esteem that these things bring is priceless at this point in your life.

[*] I also found another woman. No, I didn't do the rebound route. Although it would have been fun to screw a few women then dump them, it just isn't my style. I found a very nice, lovely woman who meets all the needs that my ex lacked. This time around I have a much better idea of what really matters in a relationship.

[*] I also talked to everyone I could. I became open and honest. Coming from a formerly majorly shy guy (now I'm just somewhat shy), that is a major step. It is amazing how many people can sympathise with you and how healing it is.

I'm nearly a year past your point and I couldn't be happier given the past. Sure, if I could I never would have married, but you can't change the past.

 

[JImmyK]

Gym is def great idea

but importantly try to keep busy man, be it friends, movies, reading, whatever. An idle mind is a dangerous thing during these times.

Not that it helps but I did the following after a milder situation:

REALLY put in some extra time at work
worked out a lot
Read alot
started working on my truck myself <-- that has saved me thousands of dollrs to date

 

[clamum]

I"d think the gym, as others have said, would be a good idea. Find a hobby or project to involve yourself in, stay busy. Good luck to you. :beer:

 

[JImmyK]

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!

It is going to be all right I promise, dont ever lose hope and think it wont....

 

[KeithTalent]

Originally posted by: dullard
You sound exactly like me a year ago. Well for me it was 11 years together, 6 married, no children. But close enough.

My first question, is there anything worth salvaging in the relationship? If you could, would you make things better? Or is it a lost cause?

I decided to reinvent myself. I changed my clothing style, started lifting weights, gave up computer games, went out to parties/socializing that my ex didn't let me go to, invite people over that my ex never allowed me to, etc.

I also found another woman. No, I didn't do the rebound route. Although it would have been fun to screw a few women then dump them, it just isn't my style. I found a very nice, lovely woman who meets all the needs that my ex lacked. This time around I have a much better idea of what really matters.

I also talked to everyone I could. I became open and honest. Coming from a formerly majorly shy guy (now I'm just somewhat shy), that is a major step. It is amazing how many people can sympathise with you and how healing it is.

Wow, you actually do sound a lot like me. It's tough because on my side things are still quite fresh so I still feel as if I want to reconcile, but she has been thinking about this for so long she has pretty much completely written things off and is already moving on. So I do not believe there is much hope, if any at all.

I really appreciate your advice, and how you approached things sounds very similar to what I have been thinking.