I left my job, where I care for sick children, to take a walk during lunch. I do this to stay fit, healthy and so I can contemplate the deeper meanings and struggles of life. I was lost in deep thought, trying to figure out how to turn the Pancake fools back from the precipice of evil towards the Golden Glory of Waffles so I was on complete autopilot when I got to the cross walk. Seeing the symbol affording me the legal right to monopolize the shared pavement for a brief period of time I started making my way across. I never noticed the insidious evil lurking in the car in right beside me. It was a:
Woman Driver! echo echo echo
Dun dun dun
*Gasp*
Not quite as evil as an Asian woman driver talking on her cell phone while doing her makeup but evil enough.
Being the true Pancake lover she was she floored the gas and hit me at an estimated 3,000mph. (Or it might have been 2mph. I can't remember through all of the awesomeness). The impact actually blew a couple of swimsuits off of the models at the nearby Female Swimsuit Modeling competition. Several swimsuit models rushed over, preparing to provide the most effective type of CPR: NMCPR (NakedModelCPR). Fortunately my six pack abs were able to absorb most of the damage preventing instant death. Unfortunately the car and the pavement were not so lucky. I estimate that $27,000 worth of damage was done to the car by my abs and another $5 damage done by my watch when it hit the hood. When I picked myself up off the ground I noticed two perfectly formed butt cheek imprints in the pavement formed by my two perfect butt cheeks. (I have since been informed that these will be turned into a National Monument)
It wasn't long before the women clung mewling to my heroic figure with 2 day stubble. Meanwhile I fashioned a tourniquet from a car bumper and a Q-tip. They wanted to watch over me, tending to my every need but I pushed them aside saying "The Children need me!"
"Oh Exy!" they cried "You're so wonderful!" I agreed and took down their numbers to call them later when one particular silverfox in an SUV gave me pause.
"I saw everything! Are you ok?" she asked, shaking her head as she let her hair down to blow behind her in the wind.
I could tell she wanted to jump me right then and there which I briefly considered as she looked like she knew her way around a python. Unfortunately the power and magnificence of our lovemaking would no doubt cause other car accidents and a number of male suicides. Instead I walked up to her and put my finger on her lips and said "Our children would be magnificent"
As she fainted I turned and assumed the Trajectory of Dominance. Time slowed down. As I made my slow swager walk from the scene of the accident two cars across the accident blew up in giant fireballs but I never looked back. Heroes never look back when cool shit explodes...
Pictures:
TL;DR/True story:
-Got hit by a car. Really somewhere between a hit and a bump but it did spin me around and off to the side.
-Car was going slowly
-Didn't actually even fall to the ground
-Didn't hurt
-Maybe a small mark on the car from my watch
-Several people got out of their cars to see if I was ok, which I was
-Didn't even exchange information
How much should I sue for?
Woman Driver! echo echo echo
Dun dun dun
*Gasp*
Not quite as evil as an Asian woman driver talking on her cell phone while doing her makeup but evil enough.
Being the true Pancake lover she was she floored the gas and hit me at an estimated 3,000mph. (Or it might have been 2mph. I can't remember through all of the awesomeness). The impact actually blew a couple of swimsuits off of the models at the nearby Female Swimsuit Modeling competition. Several swimsuit models rushed over, preparing to provide the most effective type of CPR: NMCPR (NakedModelCPR). Fortunately my six pack abs were able to absorb most of the damage preventing instant death. Unfortunately the car and the pavement were not so lucky. I estimate that $27,000 worth of damage was done to the car by my abs and another $5 damage done by my watch when it hit the hood. When I picked myself up off the ground I noticed two perfectly formed butt cheek imprints in the pavement formed by my two perfect butt cheeks. (I have since been informed that these will be turned into a National Monument)
It wasn't long before the women clung mewling to my heroic figure with 2 day stubble. Meanwhile I fashioned a tourniquet from a car bumper and a Q-tip. They wanted to watch over me, tending to my every need but I pushed them aside saying "The Children need me!"
"Oh Exy!" they cried "You're so wonderful!" I agreed and took down their numbers to call them later when one particular silverfox in an SUV gave me pause.
"I saw everything! Are you ok?" she asked, shaking her head as she let her hair down to blow behind her in the wind.
I could tell she wanted to jump me right then and there which I briefly considered as she looked like she knew her way around a python. Unfortunately the power and magnificence of our lovemaking would no doubt cause other car accidents and a number of male suicides. Instead I walked up to her and put my finger on her lips and said "Our children would be magnificent"
As she fainted I turned and assumed the Trajectory of Dominance. Time slowed down. As I made my slow swager walk from the scene of the accident two cars across the accident blew up in giant fireballs but I never looked back. Heroes never look back when cool shit explodes...
Pictures:
TL;DR/True story:
-Got hit by a car. Really somewhere between a hit and a bump but it did spin me around and off to the side.
-Car was going slowly
-Didn't actually even fall to the ground
-Didn't hurt
-Maybe a small mark on the car from my watch
-Several people got out of their cars to see if I was ok, which I was
-Didn't even exchange information
How much should I sue for?
