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So...I failed my family today

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I understand why you feel responsible, as a father and leader of the family you feel every aspect of your families health and well being is your responsibility. I feel the same way, but you must realize that there are some things that even the strongest leader can't foresee or prevent.

My wife is deeply religious and she believes that the most righteous and godly people are challenged with the hardest trials and tribulations in life. Brother, you must be walking in the footsteps of the big guy. Trust in yourself and your fellow man and you will be just fine.

I know that you and your daughter will be just fine, and we all will be focusing our prayers with Michelle. We have fought the same terrible mental illness with both my wifes parents, her mother is currently institutionalized. Don't give up hope on her, it's a roller coaster ride and I'm certain she has many good days yet to come, and treatments are getting better all the time.

May the new year bring much happiness and healing to your family
rose.gif
 
Originally posted by: sixone
I agree with Vegitto - you DID save her life. Nothing else really matters, in the long run.

There are just some things that you can't control. Beating yourself up about them isn't going to change anything, and it could make things worse if you let that go on too long. You did everything you could do, and you need to give yourself a little credit for that.

Hang in there, and good luck.
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Same here, Stumps if you ever come to Canada PM me before hand and I'll buy a case or 2 of beer. Maybe I could get melty and we could have a good drink...
 
Stumps.. hang in there buddy. I know that these are tough times, but it will pass and then there will be times when you will be a lot more happier.

I wish you all the best and hope that things will work out for you eventually.
 
Stumps man, I'm sorry to hear that but don't be so hard on yourself. You can't blame yourself for all the terrible things that happened there. You did what you could, and that was that. Good luck getting back custody of Emily!
 
Stumps,
Words can't express my sorrow and best wishes for you and your family. That said, I have some information that may be of value to you if you choose to pursue it.

My fiance's mother is an amazing family therapist/licensed social worker. She moved down to NZ from the States almost a year and a half ago, apparently social workers are in high demand down there. In her career, she has treated people with schitzophrenia without medication. A lot of these people were hearing things, had hallucinations, and many more symptoms I personally don't know about. I won't go into much more detail here, but rest assured I think this is some information that you need to know about to help your Michelle. I am one of the most skeptical people you will ever meet, and knowing these women (my fiance and her mother) has amazed me many times in this area. I normally question everything almost everybody says; when it comes to this field, I am able to whole-heartedly accept the things these women say about therapy and mental treatment.

I don't want to speak for her, but I would imagine her mother would be happy to talk with you and help however she can. I know my fiance would also talk with you, but the true expert is her mother. You will have a PM soon.

P.S. If you didn't figure it out yet, you have done everything possible to care for your girls. Don't doubt yourself. Just focus on the best you can do for them now.
 
Many a time when people go off the edge, they never come back. Plenty do, though. It can take a long time, but they can become near-perfect functioning members of society again.

One of my friends went schizo and heard knives talking to him--he wanted to stab everyone to death in his family. Now he runs a good-sized business and makes more than all of our friends do. He bought his subaru WRX at age 17, his first house at age 22, and is buying more real estate at 24. During his dark period, he was literally the craziest person I have ever met (and I worked security in a mental health ward of a hospital once in college).

Another person I know went through some heavy heavy shock therapy (they were completely "not there" and that was done as a last ditch effort). The electric shock therapy didn't help directly, but over time the person "came back". Went on to raise two great kids and lived the rest of his life in normalcy without a relapse.

Of course there are plenty of bad stories too, but don't ever write off someone suffering from a mental illness 😉
 
hang in there, best of luck to you all :sun:

Child of My Heart
by Carol Spear Stewart


In my dreams
(my mother-self dreams)
I dreamed you

dreamed you
filling up
my empty arms
dreamed us
smiling
loving
mother and child.

In my longing
(my mother-self longing)
I cried inside
to see young children
clutching their mothers' hands
(my own were
so utterly
empty then)
and friends
all having babies
(such an easy thing to do) --

while I
waited and
waited (forever,
it seemed)
child of my heart
for you.
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Hey Stumps,

First of all, I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. You have not done anything to fail either of them; you sound like a wonderful husband and father and your love and caring for your wife and daughter shows clearly through.

In a situation this devestating, you need to take things one step at a time. Knowing that your wife is being cared for right now, you need to focus on your daughter - getting her home either with you or with her grandparents so you know she is safe, loved and okay. It's going to be very important that she grows up knowing that her mommy loves her even though she is sick. You know that if your wife was well, her first concern would be Emily too.

After you've secured your daughter and know she's being well cared for, you can begin to focus on your wife again. If she's been successfully treated in the past, perhaps she can be again. In any case, there will be times that she'll be able to know you and your love and support will be worth more than the world to her.
 
I have seen deferent aspects of this story mirrored in my own family. My wifes step father had an ex and a son with a women that , from the sound of things, behaves very much like your ex.

To this day he has been run out of his home state only to return during holidays. His son is grown and has to live across the state to keep his mom out of daily life. The sons wedding was a happy affair except for one epic outburst from mom.

The other facet is that my wife and myself have extensive experience dealing with the foster care system in the states as foster parents. You can not trust the state to do the right thing in cases like this. The real problem is social workers have way to much sway on decisions that might be personally biased without looking at the facts. If you don't have a lawyer this is the time to find one, preferably one that has a good working relationship with the kids Guardian Ad Litem, (Emiliys legal council) if that role exists in Australian law. Good Luck!
 
I definitely sympathize with you and your family, and can only mirror the past sentiments of this thread in saying that you've done the right thing, and at the moment just need to work on getting yourself in order; after that, I have a feeling you'll be more than able to care for your daughter.

Beyond all that, the only thing about which I have even a minimal amount of knowledge is schizophrenia. It's not my specialty area, but everyone still reads a bit about it here. To put it simply, and as you've said, it's tough stuff...basically a total disconnect from reality. They're starting to find more biological bases for it now, which is likely why the doctors are saying what they're saying. And while rehabilitation/return to "normalcy" may not be possible, as the brain can become permanently altered, I can say that while schizophrenia is one of the least-understood mental conditions in existence, professionals in mental health know this, and have recently begun devoting a LOT of time and energy to studying it and developing new treatment options.

It's definitely a rough spot you're in, but I've always felt that in life, we're never given more than we can truly handle...we just might not realize what exactly it is we can handle until we have the need. Keep your chin up, get a little help of whatever type if you require it, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually you'll find your way through all this.
 
Stumps, you have done a terrific job of protecting and caring for your daughter and your wife. The reality is that there are some things in life we simply cannot fix. it may be that the professional help your wife is getting will be successful, but nothing you did or didn't do could have changed what happened.

The following quotation has helped me to focus when I have felt overwhelmed.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
 
Originally posted by: Stumps
Well where do I start with this one?

I am a complete failure...I was unable to help my Fiancee and my little princess Emily.

After struggling the past few weeks to get my Fiancee help for her rapidly declining mental health now she has been commited for Psychiatric evaluation with a probable outcome of permanently being put in a mental facility.

My lovely little daughter has been taken away and placed in to foster care until the custody of her can temporarly awarded to my parents.

what the hell went wrong?, what did I do to fail them both so miserably.

the Department of Child Services were so concerned about Emily's welfare that it only took them 3 hrs to process the removal of Emily once the complaint had been filed.

Following the inital complaint to the police which prompted all of this the police were concerned for my safety and immediatly took Michelle for evaluation at the local hosipital.

Now I am by myself, confused and depressed...

This is 100% real, I have the removal order sitting in front of me at the moment.
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You didn't fail your family. You would only have failed if your fiancee had a mental problem and was not being evaluated/treated for it, and was putting herself and your daughter at risk. And if she is committed to an institution for treatment, it's probably for her own good. She is sick, and she needs help. It's noone's fault.
It sucks, but it's better than the alternative. Here in the US, mentally ill people are often held for a 72 hour observation, and then discharged, even if they really need to be in a mental facility. I know that from a very painful family experience. 🙁
 
Stumps,

Keep your head high. Try to focus on the positives and your daughter. There is nothing you could have done to prevent Michelle's disorder. I am sure you did everything you could and that is what matters. Look out for Emily now and the doctors will do what they can. In time, everything will work itself out. Ask the doctors if there is anything you can do to assist with her and that is all you can do. Take care of yourself and your daughter. The best of luck through the worst of times.
 
Originally posted by: BrownTown
On a related note, mently unstable people make life really really suck. I guess thats not something that someone would want to hear if they were in love with a mental unstable person, but my dad ended up marrying someone who had mental problem (my mom obviously), thinking he could change her and his life has been a living hell ever since, he is literally a zombie, and nobody should ever have to go threw something like that. I know it sucks for the mentally unstable person too probably most of all, but they can take down many many more people than just themselves, and if they really are a threat It may well be best to have them put in a mental hospital. If this person is really suffering from mental illness you might want to consider just how much it will harm this kid to grow up around them, i look at my siblings, and being raised by a person with serious bipolar disorder has definitely seriously hurt our chances of having a normal life.
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This is true. My dad remarried to a women who was abuse and in my opinion slightly bi-polar, and it has really messed my sister up. I was very young at the time and just stayed out of the way but my sister was one to never back down from a fight. In the future you will have to chose your wife or your child, and please for the sake of letting your child develop normally chose your child.

 
Originally posted by: Stumps
Originally posted by: BrownTown
On a related note, mentaly unstable people make life really really suck. I guess thats not something that someone would want to hear if they were in love with a mentall unstable person, but my dad ended up marrying someone who had mental problem (my mom obviously), thinking he could change her and his life has been a living hell ever since, he is literally a zombie, and nobody should ever have to go threw something like that. I know it sucks for the mentally unstable person too probably most of all, but they can take down many many more people than just themselves, and if they really are a threat It may well be best to have them put in a mental hospital. If this person is really suffering from mental illness you might want to consider just how much it will harm this kid to grow up around them, i look at my siblings, and being raised by a person with serios bipolar didorder has deffintely seriously hurt our chances of having a normal life.
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My fiancee suffers from Paranoid Schitzophrenia and Major depression (Manic depressive), her illness had been under control with medication, however since giving birth, post natal depression hit her like a ton of bricks and no medication in the world was going to help...I tried frantically to get her help, but the slow mental health system in Australia didn't act quickily enougth to help her.


A part of the court order will prevent Michelle from ever having custody of Emily and for now (until further notice) she isn't allowed with in 100 metres of Emily.
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Ouch, dude. There's really nothing you can do for her. Schitzophrenia patients usually break down at some point. Good luck, don't blame yourself.
 
Originally posted by: Stumps
Originally posted by: BrownTown
Wait, why don't YOU get control of the kid?
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the Department of Child services are convinced that can't safely protect myself let alone Emily.....

I have to wait till custody has been awarded to my parents, before I can go for full custody, DOCS first priotity was to protect Emily...and it was getting quite clear to everybody that I could do that on my own...I am flat out now trying to garrantee my safety after last nights events.
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Why do they think you can't protect yourself? Was there violence?
 
Originally posted by: BrownTown
Wait, why don't YOU get control of the kid?
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Having jus been made a father 4 weeks ago, I would absolutely lose it if they took my boy from me. My heart goes out to you Stumps.:brokenheart:
 
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