So...anyone got any jokes?
- Thread starter b0mbrman
- Start date
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says,
"What is this... some kind of joke?"
"What is this... some kind of joke?"
911paramedic
Diamond Member
- Jan 7, 2002
- 9,448
- 1
- 76
Hot-dog: walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here.
Bwahahahahahahaha! Wait. That is really stupid.
Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here.
Bwahahahahahahaha! Wait. That is really stupid.
LordMaul
Lifer
- Nov 16, 2000
- 15,168
- 1
- 0
**MEN ONLY**
How do you know when a woman?s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What?s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy??
Two mothers-in-law.
How do you know when a woman?s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What?s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy??
Two mothers-in-law.
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie"
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fvcking day!"
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie"
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fvcking day!"
Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light
15. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
14. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
13. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
12. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
11. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
10. Holding a harmonica out the window makes the coolest sounds,
and sparks too.
9. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving
home from work.
8. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal
stripes.
7. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
6. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
5. Bugs never see you coming.
4. As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conservation of energy
and mass theory, you might as well run over Schrodinger's cat, too.
3. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there
before you order or it's free!"
2. License plate: "Me=mc2"
1. Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat, they land in last week
15. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
14. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
13. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
12. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
11. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
10. Holding a harmonica out the window makes the coolest sounds,
and sparks too.
9. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving
home from work.
8. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal
stripes.
7. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
6. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
5. Bugs never see you coming.
4. As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conservation of energy
and mass theory, you might as well run over Schrodinger's cat, too.
3. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there
before you order or it's free!"
2. License plate: "Me=mc2"
1. Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat, they land in last week
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh!t.
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh!t.
Three astronomers went to space for one year....each was allowed to bring one thing with them.
The japanese astronomers brings his wife, he said "so whenever I want to have sex, I can have a partner with"
The chinese astronomers brings tea, he said " I love to drink tea, can't live without tea"
The taiwanese astronomers brings cigarette, he said "I am a smoker, what do you expect?"
After they come back one year later, the media ask each astronomers how was it,
japanese astronomers responded "couldn't be better, we now have a children"
The chinese astronomers responded "I now discover 100 new ways to drink tea"...
then the media turns to the taiwanese astronomers..
"SCREW THAT! forgot to bring the lighter!"
The japanese astronomers brings his wife, he said "so whenever I want to have sex, I can have a partner with"
The chinese astronomers brings tea, he said " I love to drink tea, can't live without tea"
The taiwanese astronomers brings cigarette, he said "I am a smoker, what do you expect?"
After they come back one year later, the media ask each astronomers how was it,
japanese astronomers responded "couldn't be better, we now have a children"
The chinese astronomers responded "I now discover 100 new ways to drink tea"...
then the media turns to the taiwanese astronomers..
"SCREW THAT! forgot to bring the lighter!"
911paramedic
Diamond Member
- Jan 7, 2002
- 9,448
- 1
- 76
A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:
"Make me one with everything."
Stole this from some other joke thread:
The rich lawyer...
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the
most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution.
This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought,
"Why not call him up?"
He calls the lawyer...
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way,
would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds,
"A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother
who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says,
"Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident?
She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job
and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point.
"I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything,
so why should I give it to you!"
"Make me one with everything."
Stole this from some other joke thread:
The rich lawyer...
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the
most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution.
This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought,
"Why not call him up?"
He calls the lawyer...
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way,
would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds,
"A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother
who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says,
"Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident?
She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job
and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point.
"I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything,
so why should I give it to you!"
<< A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:
"Make me one with everything." >>
Har har har. Corny but I like it
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, 'What're you doing in here with that pig?'
Woman says, 'This is a duck, pal, not a pig.'
Bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck.'
Bartender says, 'What're you doing in here with that pig?'
Woman says, 'This is a duck, pal, not a pig.'
Bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck.'
<< A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:
"Make me one with everything.">>
Sorry but I dont get it
"Make me one with everything.">>
Sorry but I dont get it
Spikesoldier
Diamond Member
- Oct 15, 2001
- 6,766
- 0
- 0
What do you call a Fisherman that can place a worm on his hook every single time without error?
A Master Baiter.
A Master Baiter.
<< What did the 'john' with leprocy tell the hooker after he paid her?
"You can keep the tip!" >>
:Q That's pretty freakin' gross
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
*** ADULT ***
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
A: Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he's 13
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
A: Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he's 13
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