Welcome back folks to another round of SMac. I would like to thank all of you for your letters regarding last weeks SMac. I am glad that it gave you the same warm fuzzy that I got when I wrote it. To make up for a weak of being nice, I am going back to my same old wise-assed self. No niiiiiiice Smac this week. This week I am back to doing what I do best--making fun of people.
Apparently there is an epidemic occurring in our school systems as we speak people. No, it is not head lice, prayer in schools, guns, or the crappy salary of our teachers. It is dodgeball. You do remember dodgeball (a.k.a. bombardment, burning ball, murder ball, killer ball, prison ball, and ball chaser) don't you? Here is how you play. You get two teams to stand on opposite ends of a big square outside or in a gym. You line up the balls in the middle of the square an equal distance apart. When the whistle blows you run to get the balls in the middle and start throwing the balls at members of the other team. If the ball hits you before it hits the ground you are out, but if you catch the ball the member of the other team is out. You keep on doing this until only one team has players left or time is up.
Of all of the problems facing education nowadays, I find it hard to believe that this is the most prevalent story in the media, but what began as an outcry from a Connecticut educator resulted in a handful of school districts in Maine, Maryland, New York, Ohio, Texas, and Virginia prohibiting the game in their curriculum. This movement was started by a physical education professor at Eastern Connecticut State named Neil Williams. Williams says dodgeball has to go because it "encourages the best to pick on the weak."
Now there are a bunch of ways I could present this to you folks, but I think I will just lay out why the proponents of banning dodgeball think this great American game should be banned.
Point 1-- "Dodgeball encourages the strong to pick on the weak".
Noooo! You mean there's weak in the world? There's strong? Of course there is, and dodgeball is one of the first opportunities in life to figure out which one you are and how you're going to deal with it. You don't play dodgeball is Sociology class, you play it in gym class. The entire premise of Physical Education (PE) is to determine your strengths and weaknesses. Heck, the entire premise of school is to seperate the strong from the weak. Why do you think they have short busses? Why are there Advanced Placement classes in the curriculum?
Like any other skill in the world you either have it or you don't. Did I go crying to my parents when in 8th grade my ashtray that I made for my mother looked like a pile of dog crap? No, did I try to ban Home Economics when my cake came out of the oven looking like a piece of cardboard? Not so much.
As far as dodgeball encouraging the strong to pick on the weak, well that part is kind of true. When I was a child I used to get on one side of the house with my brother and throw a ball over the house to the other side where my mother was waiting to receive the ball. The goal was to get to the other side of the house before mom would bean us with the ball and we were then it. Did I learn anything in that game? Hell no, but it sure was fun. My cousin Julie was the best at this game though. She was an awesome softball player and she would come over to play that game with us. She was always it so Brett and I would throw the ball over and then run and hide at the neighbors because if she hit you, it would suck. We were brutal with hitting each other with balls. We used to give our brother Beau super wedgies (give him a wedgie and then hang him on the doorknob or the fence. Later on in the day after he told on us and we got in trouble we would send the remaining part of the afternoon playing wiffle ball. Wiffle ball was Beau's salvation. Sure he sucked at it, but when you were at bat and Beau was pitching, you were going to get drilled in the dome with the ball. Beau would turn into a mix of Roger Clemens and Billy the Kid. Just gripping the ball and trying to kill you. We didn't kid ourselves either, if we were playing with a real baseball, Brett and I would be dead. So as you can see, this is not only a chance for the strong to pick on the weak, it is a chance for the weak to get back at the strong.
Point 2 -- The Game provides a poor cardiovascular workout
Okay this is a bunch of crap. I talked to my baby, the Smactress, about this and she concurrs with me that dodgeball was a great workout for her, she spent all of her time running for her life Personally I would have loved to have seen this. The sun shining overhead making her skin shine, the wind blowing through her luxurious hair, her laugh echoing all around the schoolyard (before y'all go and start thinking that I am a sick pud, I am imagining her at her current age, ok?). Don't get me wrong though. If she was on the other side I would still drill her in the ass with my heater, and you know what? She would have to like it. It's part of the game. Dodgeball not only makes you run, jump, and dive, it also increases hand-eye coordination. By the way, since when is a cardiovascular workout necessary for PE? What about all of the times you had to take dance in PE? That class made me breathe hard for all of the wrong reasons. How does the monkey bars help out your cardiovascular system? Oh and climbing the rope was a huge boost to my cardiovascular system. Especially when I was jumping around trying to sooth the rope burns on my thighs and hands.
Point 3 -- The game hurts children's feelings
Isn't hurting children's feelings one of the top pasttimes in school? If we were going to ban hurting kid's feelings then we need to put a stop to some other things. Discontinue birthday parties since statistically 1/4th of all kids will not have a birthday party during the school year. No more star or smiley face stickers on homework assignments. No more posting grades in class. No more detention. No more having mommy pack your school lunches (by the way Mom, your lunches were the best. I don't think I ever thanked you once for making me the envy of all of the other kids). No more grades, from now on everybody gets a C. No more parent teacher conferences, nothing good ever comes out of those things. The only class we are going to have from now on is attendance. Wait that might hurt kid's feelings since some kids might not show as much as other kids. Okay no school for anybody anymore. From now on everybody from Aaron to Zoe stays home in positive environments.
While we are on this feelings kick, what about my feelings? Big kids like me never got to play in the reindeer games like all of the other kids. When we had that parachute kid toss thing, I never got to be the one getting bumped in the air. I sucked at Duck, Duck, Goose. I never could find a good place to hide in "hide-and-go-seek" where my ass or my head wasn't sticking out. I squished all of the other "sardines" in the sardine game. My one salvation was dodgeball and I was like "Spartucus" at that game.
Point 4 -- The game introduces liability concerns because of the risk of injury
Now dodgeball is screwed because we got the lawyers involved now. Hey, if you were really worried about kids getting hurt, why don't you do something with snowballs, pencils, and those pointy compass things? I was talking with Mrs. SMac about this and she was telling me that she still has a scar on her knee where Kenny Sandback stabbed her with a number 2 pencil arter an "arousing" day of achievement tests. I have never taken an arousing test in my life (The cosmo quiz was close, but every question asked about what I wanted to do with my man, and I got confused), but if I was going to stab my baby with anything after an "arousing" test, it certainly would not be a pencil.
So the lawyers are in the game. That means that some lawyer who got his ass kicked in dodgeball is going to turn this into a constitutional issue. Where were the lawyers at when I went to school? Where were you when I had to pick dandelions out of senior square with my teeth? Where were you when the one time I got injured was when I got my heart broken by Amber Feeley? Could of used you bastards looking after my interests when I got busted at my toga party? I really needed you when my football team got screwed over by Butte officials my senior year (imagine that, getting screwed in Butte).
Point 5-- The game is an elimination game
Hey geniuses, life is an elimination game. If you were going to get rid of something in the schools that is an elimination game, why don't you start with the spelling bee. In the spelling bee you get a group of kids who think they are smart and then the teachers come up with a bunch of words for the kids to spell. What the kids don't know is that the game is rigged. It has to be. How else do you explain one kid getting to spell dinosaur and the next kid having to spell pterodactyl. What about smear the queer? Sex, work, getting the new toy for your kid. You telling me you wouldn't toss a nerf ball in that trendy bitches face to get the tickle me Power Puff Girls doll for your kid.
Point 6 -- The game makes human targets out of classmates
How did I know that these losers would bring this up? I am so sick of people using tragedies such as Columbine to make a point. They of course didn't say Columbine, but that is what these jackasses meant. Listen, I still am pissed off about all of these school shootings, but isn't school shootings a new thing? How many school shootings were there before the 1990? There were none, the only thing you had to worry about kids bringing to school with lead in it was a pencil. Nowadays part of the curiculum of teachers is learning the different calibers of guns using flashcards that used to have the "three's" tables. Maybe if the kids getting picked on had a chance every day to drill the bullys in the nads with a ball we wouldn't have school shootings. It is not like we are training the kids to be snipers.
Point 7 -- They aren't going to start with dodgeball
What's next, Tag? What, can nobody be it because it alienates one person. Hey being it sucks. Especially when everybody is standing next to base. Heads up 7-up is out, so is duck duck goose. Sardines? Gone. Simon Says, Red Rover, Musical Chairs? They are next to go. From now on PE will consist of things that suck. Sit-ups, push-ups, running, biking, and gymnastics will be the entire curriculum.
"Schools preach the value of harmony, community and cooperation," says Williams, "But then those same schools let the big kids loose to see if they can hit the skinny nerd in the head with a hard, red rubber ball." Could this guy whine any more? I think I see what his problem was in school, he was the nerd. Speaking of nerds, my pops wants to know where the word nerds came from. A contest to come up with the best etymology of nerds gets a prize from the SMacman. While I am on the whole language use kick, I was thinking about a couple rules in the english language that I don't get. If feet is plural for foot, then is sleet plural for sloot? If mouse is singular for mice why aren't more than one house called a hice? Ran/Run or Man/Mun? Goose/Geese or Moose/Meese? This is why I can't sleep at night.
Ten things I think I think about my shopping excursion to Wal-Mart last weekend
1. I think people that shop at Wally World must have really good insurance. These people come out of Wal-Mart and just walk in front of any car they want. I felt like I was driving down 11th street in Bozeman during fall rush all over again. The best part is that the parents aren't nearly as bad as the children. When I take my son anywhere, he has to hold onto me and look for traffic for the both of us. The children last night, well I am assuming they figure that if squirrels can get away with running in front of cars, why can't they.
2. I think that the most popular color of car in the Wal-Mart parking lot is rust.
3. I think that anybody who dresses their 4 year old child in a Jeff Gordon leather jacket is either really rich or really stupid. I think that we all agree that I know nothing about NASCAR, but you would be wrong. After years of living with a die hard NASCAR fan I have learned two things. First, Jeff Gordon sucks. Second, the amount of NASCAR collectibles that you own is directly inproportionate to one's IQ. I foresee a mullett (hockey haircut, trailer park hairdo) in this young mans future.
4. I think that the girls who just moved in next door are about as out of place in the apartment complex as that lady from "Green Acres" who "gets allergic smelling hay".
5. I think that if you are a white male under the age of 40 you won't get helped by anybody in that damn store until you buy something or you shoplift. I got the same amount of attention from those people that I get in singles bars--none. Of course I get a look from them like I just got caught screwing the neighbor's cat when I tried to be nice to them. Honey, please don't read the next one!!!!
6. I think I saw this woman there last night. She was very attractive, she looked like she just stepped out of a magazine somewhere, she had an awesome car, she was dressed really hip, and I couldn't figure out why she was there because it looked like she didn't buy anything. She looked grossly out of place. Then I saw her license plates. They were UM Grizzly plates. She obviously is mentally challenged. My bad.
7. I think that if you were going to bet whether or not I am going to get my ass kicked by my baby when she reads number 6, that you should definitely put the money on her. It sure was good for a laugh though.
8. I think that the argument I saw between the 15 year old mommy and her 30 year old mommy about whose turn it was to carry the baby was the saddest thing I have ever seen. They have these commercials on TV where they show some teen age hottie deciding if she is going to have sex with her boyfriend. Have you seen these? I have seen it a few times on TV now and I have to tell you, it's not really having the decided effect of making me think twice about sex. Put the two women that I saw in Wal-Mart on the commercial though, and
9. I guarantee people will not be having sex for months after that.
10. I think that I am going to pull up a seat the next time I am in a grocery store and start making bets on which guys buy which beer. There are basically three coolers of beer at every store. Good beer (bud, miller, Michelob, kokanee, etc.), expensive crappy beer (microbrews), and cheap crappy beer (Rainier, Olympia, Lucky, Pabst, etc). I made parlays last night on a guy. I will take cheap crappy beer for show, cheap crappy beer that is on sale to place, and Pabst to win. Post time is right before he steps into the beer section.
I think that the mixture of Sade and Gordon Lightfoot elevator music at the store made me physically ill.
Ten Things I really think I think
1. I think that I found jelly belly flavors for Marguerita, Strawberry Daiquiri, and Pina Coladas at the store a couple weeks ago. This got me thinking about some other flavors just waiting to take off to appease people with dependency issues: Captain Morgan, Miller Lite, Gin and Tonic, Copper Camel, cigarettes (menthol, regular, and al dente), swisher sweets, copenhagen, skoal, marijuana, cotton mouth, Nyquil (the crappy green flavor), Soap (how great would it be to wash the kids' mouths out with soap without actually poisoning them), Moose's pizza, Dawn's Chicken enchiladas, french fries, big mac
2. I think that it is about time that we put another teacher into space. With how long NASA has waited (16 years since the Challenger explosion), you would think that they are blaming her for the blast. While I am on a NASA kick, I think I should go up into space to test the effects of weightlessness on big and tall guys. For instance wouldn't you like to know if it hurts as bad to bang your head in outer space? What about alcohol, what are the affects of getting plowed in space? Has anybody ever had sex in space? What was it like? Do you just float around running into her? Do you always have bed head in space? These are things that we need to know people.
3. I think that Jeff Gordon's divorce is hilarious. He doesn't want to give up his stuff to his soon to be ex-wife because "Due to the husband's (redneck) extraordinary contributions to the acquisition of the funds as a result of his hazardous, life-threatening occupation, the husband claims that he should be entitled to greater than 50 percent interest in the net marital estate." Mrs. Redneck replied that Jeff Gordon is "arrogant and selfish" for claiming he should get more money because his job is dangerous. She further states that "the element of risk is irrelevant it's his choice of career." I think I have got NASCAR wife pegged here. She only has to do a couple things: Have big 80's mall hair, where tiny shirts that accentuate her surgically enhanced rack, wear sunglasses, and act like she just won a spelling bee when her redneck wins. Redneck just has to drive really fast and hope that he doesn't take a right hand turn or he will die.
4. I actually think Mr. Redneck will win.
5. I think that actress Tawney Kitaen has hit rock bottom. In 1984 she was on top of the world. She starred in a movie with a little known actor named Tom Hanks called "Bachelor Party", she danced like a stripper on a car for Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video, and then she starred in "Witchboard" where she spent a majority of the film topless. Last week she went Tonya Harding on her husband, Cleveland Indian's pitcher Chuck Finley, and beat him with her high heel shoe in a moving car like she was Kruschev.
Male frogs exposed to even very low doses of a common weed killer can develop multiple sex organs -- sometimes both male and female -- researchers in California have discovered. I would love to spray this on my baby's ex-husband so that he can literally go out into the woods and play "hide and go screw yourself".
6. Rafael Palmiero, first baseman for the Texas Rangers, is the new Viagra Spokesperson. I am putting the over/under at one million, the number of times he will come back to the bench throughout the rest of his career to a chorus of "next time put Viagra on your bat". Of course Rafael has been quick to point out that even though he endorses Viagra, he does not use Viagra. Papa Smac believes that Rafael's wife signed him up for this to scare away women.
7. Cricket
Jonty Rhodes blasted 39 from 24 balls to lift South Africa to 249 for seven in 39 overs in the rain affected final limited overs cricket match against Australia at Newlands stadium Tuesday. In pursuit of 251 in 39 overs for victory after the target was adjusted, Australia won the series 5-1. I would really like to know what this means. I found it at CNNSI.com so if anybody could help me with this I would really appreciated it. What is up with foreign sports? In tennis you start with love. Ok, I can handle that. It is a gentleman's game after all. Then we go to 15. Why 15? Why not 1 or 10? If you score once you get 15. Okay then the next score is 30. I can handle that. Two times fiteen is 30, so that means that the next score is 45 right? Wrong. After 30 you get 40. Now they have lost me. Okay, so now somebody has 40 but now the opponent gets 40 and guess what that is called? A tie? Nope, it is a deuce. Deuces are two's, I am not sure how if you have 40 of one thing and 40 of another you have a deuce. Does that mean that my Captain Morgan is "Deuce" Proof since it is 80-proof? Damn foreign people.
8. I think that the headline "Bush aide to Israel: Pull out of Lebanon" sounds a lot dirtier than it is.
9. I think that this website http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/golfonline/regional/templates/orgies.html takes you to a golf orgy site. I am not sure what a "Golf Orgy" is, but it sounds about right. I wonder what the threesomes are like. If I compliment a fellow golfer on his putter does that make me gay? I would sure hate to use the ball washers on this course.
10. I think that I am very sad that Robert Urich died. Was there a cooler PI on TV than "Spencer for Hire"? I know some of you might be saying "Magnum PI", and normally he would be, but Magnum hung out with Higgins (that whiny little english turd) where Spencer hung out with Hawk. Hawk was the baddest man on TV and the only thing he was afraid of was Spencer. I am going to miss that guy. Sure he hasn't made a "Spencer" movie in a while, but he has been making a ton of those "When Animals Attack" shows, and those were definately the bombdiggidy.
I am out folks, have a great weekend.
My love and thoughts to all
SMac
This is copyrighted so please respect those rights.
Apparently there is an epidemic occurring in our school systems as we speak people. No, it is not head lice, prayer in schools, guns, or the crappy salary of our teachers. It is dodgeball. You do remember dodgeball (a.k.a. bombardment, burning ball, murder ball, killer ball, prison ball, and ball chaser) don't you? Here is how you play. You get two teams to stand on opposite ends of a big square outside or in a gym. You line up the balls in the middle of the square an equal distance apart. When the whistle blows you run to get the balls in the middle and start throwing the balls at members of the other team. If the ball hits you before it hits the ground you are out, but if you catch the ball the member of the other team is out. You keep on doing this until only one team has players left or time is up.
Of all of the problems facing education nowadays, I find it hard to believe that this is the most prevalent story in the media, but what began as an outcry from a Connecticut educator resulted in a handful of school districts in Maine, Maryland, New York, Ohio, Texas, and Virginia prohibiting the game in their curriculum. This movement was started by a physical education professor at Eastern Connecticut State named Neil Williams. Williams says dodgeball has to go because it "encourages the best to pick on the weak."
Now there are a bunch of ways I could present this to you folks, but I think I will just lay out why the proponents of banning dodgeball think this great American game should be banned.
Point 1-- "Dodgeball encourages the strong to pick on the weak".
Noooo! You mean there's weak in the world? There's strong? Of course there is, and dodgeball is one of the first opportunities in life to figure out which one you are and how you're going to deal with it. You don't play dodgeball is Sociology class, you play it in gym class. The entire premise of Physical Education (PE) is to determine your strengths and weaknesses. Heck, the entire premise of school is to seperate the strong from the weak. Why do you think they have short busses? Why are there Advanced Placement classes in the curriculum?
Like any other skill in the world you either have it or you don't. Did I go crying to my parents when in 8th grade my ashtray that I made for my mother looked like a pile of dog crap? No, did I try to ban Home Economics when my cake came out of the oven looking like a piece of cardboard? Not so much.
As far as dodgeball encouraging the strong to pick on the weak, well that part is kind of true. When I was a child I used to get on one side of the house with my brother and throw a ball over the house to the other side where my mother was waiting to receive the ball. The goal was to get to the other side of the house before mom would bean us with the ball and we were then it. Did I learn anything in that game? Hell no, but it sure was fun. My cousin Julie was the best at this game though. She was an awesome softball player and she would come over to play that game with us. She was always it so Brett and I would throw the ball over and then run and hide at the neighbors because if she hit you, it would suck. We were brutal with hitting each other with balls. We used to give our brother Beau super wedgies (give him a wedgie and then hang him on the doorknob or the fence. Later on in the day after he told on us and we got in trouble we would send the remaining part of the afternoon playing wiffle ball. Wiffle ball was Beau's salvation. Sure he sucked at it, but when you were at bat and Beau was pitching, you were going to get drilled in the dome with the ball. Beau would turn into a mix of Roger Clemens and Billy the Kid. Just gripping the ball and trying to kill you. We didn't kid ourselves either, if we were playing with a real baseball, Brett and I would be dead. So as you can see, this is not only a chance for the strong to pick on the weak, it is a chance for the weak to get back at the strong.
Point 2 -- The Game provides a poor cardiovascular workout
Okay this is a bunch of crap. I talked to my baby, the Smactress, about this and she concurrs with me that dodgeball was a great workout for her, she spent all of her time running for her life Personally I would have loved to have seen this. The sun shining overhead making her skin shine, the wind blowing through her luxurious hair, her laugh echoing all around the schoolyard (before y'all go and start thinking that I am a sick pud, I am imagining her at her current age, ok?). Don't get me wrong though. If she was on the other side I would still drill her in the ass with my heater, and you know what? She would have to like it. It's part of the game. Dodgeball not only makes you run, jump, and dive, it also increases hand-eye coordination. By the way, since when is a cardiovascular workout necessary for PE? What about all of the times you had to take dance in PE? That class made me breathe hard for all of the wrong reasons. How does the monkey bars help out your cardiovascular system? Oh and climbing the rope was a huge boost to my cardiovascular system. Especially when I was jumping around trying to sooth the rope burns on my thighs and hands.
Point 3 -- The game hurts children's feelings
Isn't hurting children's feelings one of the top pasttimes in school? If we were going to ban hurting kid's feelings then we need to put a stop to some other things. Discontinue birthday parties since statistically 1/4th of all kids will not have a birthday party during the school year. No more star or smiley face stickers on homework assignments. No more posting grades in class. No more detention. No more having mommy pack your school lunches (by the way Mom, your lunches were the best. I don't think I ever thanked you once for making me the envy of all of the other kids). No more grades, from now on everybody gets a C. No more parent teacher conferences, nothing good ever comes out of those things. The only class we are going to have from now on is attendance. Wait that might hurt kid's feelings since some kids might not show as much as other kids. Okay no school for anybody anymore. From now on everybody from Aaron to Zoe stays home in positive environments.
While we are on this feelings kick, what about my feelings? Big kids like me never got to play in the reindeer games like all of the other kids. When we had that parachute kid toss thing, I never got to be the one getting bumped in the air. I sucked at Duck, Duck, Goose. I never could find a good place to hide in "hide-and-go-seek" where my ass or my head wasn't sticking out. I squished all of the other "sardines" in the sardine game. My one salvation was dodgeball and I was like "Spartucus" at that game.
Point 4 -- The game introduces liability concerns because of the risk of injury
Now dodgeball is screwed because we got the lawyers involved now. Hey, if you were really worried about kids getting hurt, why don't you do something with snowballs, pencils, and those pointy compass things? I was talking with Mrs. SMac about this and she was telling me that she still has a scar on her knee where Kenny Sandback stabbed her with a number 2 pencil arter an "arousing" day of achievement tests. I have never taken an arousing test in my life (The cosmo quiz was close, but every question asked about what I wanted to do with my man, and I got confused), but if I was going to stab my baby with anything after an "arousing" test, it certainly would not be a pencil.
So the lawyers are in the game. That means that some lawyer who got his ass kicked in dodgeball is going to turn this into a constitutional issue. Where were the lawyers at when I went to school? Where were you when I had to pick dandelions out of senior square with my teeth? Where were you when the one time I got injured was when I got my heart broken by Amber Feeley? Could of used you bastards looking after my interests when I got busted at my toga party? I really needed you when my football team got screwed over by Butte officials my senior year (imagine that, getting screwed in Butte).
Point 5-- The game is an elimination game
Hey geniuses, life is an elimination game. If you were going to get rid of something in the schools that is an elimination game, why don't you start with the spelling bee. In the spelling bee you get a group of kids who think they are smart and then the teachers come up with a bunch of words for the kids to spell. What the kids don't know is that the game is rigged. It has to be. How else do you explain one kid getting to spell dinosaur and the next kid having to spell pterodactyl. What about smear the queer? Sex, work, getting the new toy for your kid. You telling me you wouldn't toss a nerf ball in that trendy bitches face to get the tickle me Power Puff Girls doll for your kid.
Point 6 -- The game makes human targets out of classmates
How did I know that these losers would bring this up? I am so sick of people using tragedies such as Columbine to make a point. They of course didn't say Columbine, but that is what these jackasses meant. Listen, I still am pissed off about all of these school shootings, but isn't school shootings a new thing? How many school shootings were there before the 1990? There were none, the only thing you had to worry about kids bringing to school with lead in it was a pencil. Nowadays part of the curiculum of teachers is learning the different calibers of guns using flashcards that used to have the "three's" tables. Maybe if the kids getting picked on had a chance every day to drill the bullys in the nads with a ball we wouldn't have school shootings. It is not like we are training the kids to be snipers.
Point 7 -- They aren't going to start with dodgeball
What's next, Tag? What, can nobody be it because it alienates one person. Hey being it sucks. Especially when everybody is standing next to base. Heads up 7-up is out, so is duck duck goose. Sardines? Gone. Simon Says, Red Rover, Musical Chairs? They are next to go. From now on PE will consist of things that suck. Sit-ups, push-ups, running, biking, and gymnastics will be the entire curriculum.
"Schools preach the value of harmony, community and cooperation," says Williams, "But then those same schools let the big kids loose to see if they can hit the skinny nerd in the head with a hard, red rubber ball." Could this guy whine any more? I think I see what his problem was in school, he was the nerd. Speaking of nerds, my pops wants to know where the word nerds came from. A contest to come up with the best etymology of nerds gets a prize from the SMacman. While I am on the whole language use kick, I was thinking about a couple rules in the english language that I don't get. If feet is plural for foot, then is sleet plural for sloot? If mouse is singular for mice why aren't more than one house called a hice? Ran/Run or Man/Mun? Goose/Geese or Moose/Meese? This is why I can't sleep at night.
Ten things I think I think about my shopping excursion to Wal-Mart last weekend
1. I think people that shop at Wally World must have really good insurance. These people come out of Wal-Mart and just walk in front of any car they want. I felt like I was driving down 11th street in Bozeman during fall rush all over again. The best part is that the parents aren't nearly as bad as the children. When I take my son anywhere, he has to hold onto me and look for traffic for the both of us. The children last night, well I am assuming they figure that if squirrels can get away with running in front of cars, why can't they.
2. I think that the most popular color of car in the Wal-Mart parking lot is rust.
3. I think that anybody who dresses their 4 year old child in a Jeff Gordon leather jacket is either really rich or really stupid. I think that we all agree that I know nothing about NASCAR, but you would be wrong. After years of living with a die hard NASCAR fan I have learned two things. First, Jeff Gordon sucks. Second, the amount of NASCAR collectibles that you own is directly inproportionate to one's IQ. I foresee a mullett (hockey haircut, trailer park hairdo) in this young mans future.
4. I think that the girls who just moved in next door are about as out of place in the apartment complex as that lady from "Green Acres" who "gets allergic smelling hay".
5. I think that if you are a white male under the age of 40 you won't get helped by anybody in that damn store until you buy something or you shoplift. I got the same amount of attention from those people that I get in singles bars--none. Of course I get a look from them like I just got caught screwing the neighbor's cat when I tried to be nice to them. Honey, please don't read the next one!!!!
6. I think I saw this woman there last night. She was very attractive, she looked like she just stepped out of a magazine somewhere, she had an awesome car, she was dressed really hip, and I couldn't figure out why she was there because it looked like she didn't buy anything. She looked grossly out of place. Then I saw her license plates. They were UM Grizzly plates. She obviously is mentally challenged. My bad.
7. I think that if you were going to bet whether or not I am going to get my ass kicked by my baby when she reads number 6, that you should definitely put the money on her. It sure was good for a laugh though.
8. I think that the argument I saw between the 15 year old mommy and her 30 year old mommy about whose turn it was to carry the baby was the saddest thing I have ever seen. They have these commercials on TV where they show some teen age hottie deciding if she is going to have sex with her boyfriend. Have you seen these? I have seen it a few times on TV now and I have to tell you, it's not really having the decided effect of making me think twice about sex. Put the two women that I saw in Wal-Mart on the commercial though, and
9. I guarantee people will not be having sex for months after that.
10. I think that I am going to pull up a seat the next time I am in a grocery store and start making bets on which guys buy which beer. There are basically three coolers of beer at every store. Good beer (bud, miller, Michelob, kokanee, etc.), expensive crappy beer (microbrews), and cheap crappy beer (Rainier, Olympia, Lucky, Pabst, etc). I made parlays last night on a guy. I will take cheap crappy beer for show, cheap crappy beer that is on sale to place, and Pabst to win. Post time is right before he steps into the beer section.
I think that the mixture of Sade and Gordon Lightfoot elevator music at the store made me physically ill.
Ten Things I really think I think
1. I think that I found jelly belly flavors for Marguerita, Strawberry Daiquiri, and Pina Coladas at the store a couple weeks ago. This got me thinking about some other flavors just waiting to take off to appease people with dependency issues: Captain Morgan, Miller Lite, Gin and Tonic, Copper Camel, cigarettes (menthol, regular, and al dente), swisher sweets, copenhagen, skoal, marijuana, cotton mouth, Nyquil (the crappy green flavor), Soap (how great would it be to wash the kids' mouths out with soap without actually poisoning them), Moose's pizza, Dawn's Chicken enchiladas, french fries, big mac
2. I think that it is about time that we put another teacher into space. With how long NASA has waited (16 years since the Challenger explosion), you would think that they are blaming her for the blast. While I am on a NASA kick, I think I should go up into space to test the effects of weightlessness on big and tall guys. For instance wouldn't you like to know if it hurts as bad to bang your head in outer space? What about alcohol, what are the affects of getting plowed in space? Has anybody ever had sex in space? What was it like? Do you just float around running into her? Do you always have bed head in space? These are things that we need to know people.
3. I think that Jeff Gordon's divorce is hilarious. He doesn't want to give up his stuff to his soon to be ex-wife because "Due to the husband's (redneck) extraordinary contributions to the acquisition of the funds as a result of his hazardous, life-threatening occupation, the husband claims that he should be entitled to greater than 50 percent interest in the net marital estate." Mrs. Redneck replied that Jeff Gordon is "arrogant and selfish" for claiming he should get more money because his job is dangerous. She further states that "the element of risk is irrelevant it's his choice of career." I think I have got NASCAR wife pegged here. She only has to do a couple things: Have big 80's mall hair, where tiny shirts that accentuate her surgically enhanced rack, wear sunglasses, and act like she just won a spelling bee when her redneck wins. Redneck just has to drive really fast and hope that he doesn't take a right hand turn or he will die.
4. I actually think Mr. Redneck will win.
5. I think that actress Tawney Kitaen has hit rock bottom. In 1984 she was on top of the world. She starred in a movie with a little known actor named Tom Hanks called "Bachelor Party", she danced like a stripper on a car for Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" video, and then she starred in "Witchboard" where she spent a majority of the film topless. Last week she went Tonya Harding on her husband, Cleveland Indian's pitcher Chuck Finley, and beat him with her high heel shoe in a moving car like she was Kruschev.
Male frogs exposed to even very low doses of a common weed killer can develop multiple sex organs -- sometimes both male and female -- researchers in California have discovered. I would love to spray this on my baby's ex-husband so that he can literally go out into the woods and play "hide and go screw yourself".
6. Rafael Palmiero, first baseman for the Texas Rangers, is the new Viagra Spokesperson. I am putting the over/under at one million, the number of times he will come back to the bench throughout the rest of his career to a chorus of "next time put Viagra on your bat". Of course Rafael has been quick to point out that even though he endorses Viagra, he does not use Viagra. Papa Smac believes that Rafael's wife signed him up for this to scare away women.
7. Cricket
Jonty Rhodes blasted 39 from 24 balls to lift South Africa to 249 for seven in 39 overs in the rain affected final limited overs cricket match against Australia at Newlands stadium Tuesday. In pursuit of 251 in 39 overs for victory after the target was adjusted, Australia won the series 5-1. I would really like to know what this means. I found it at CNNSI.com so if anybody could help me with this I would really appreciated it. What is up with foreign sports? In tennis you start with love. Ok, I can handle that. It is a gentleman's game after all. Then we go to 15. Why 15? Why not 1 or 10? If you score once you get 15. Okay then the next score is 30. I can handle that. Two times fiteen is 30, so that means that the next score is 45 right? Wrong. After 30 you get 40. Now they have lost me. Okay, so now somebody has 40 but now the opponent gets 40 and guess what that is called? A tie? Nope, it is a deuce. Deuces are two's, I am not sure how if you have 40 of one thing and 40 of another you have a deuce. Does that mean that my Captain Morgan is "Deuce" Proof since it is 80-proof? Damn foreign people.
8. I think that the headline "Bush aide to Israel: Pull out of Lebanon" sounds a lot dirtier than it is.
9. I think that this website http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/golfonline/regional/templates/orgies.html takes you to a golf orgy site. I am not sure what a "Golf Orgy" is, but it sounds about right. I wonder what the threesomes are like. If I compliment a fellow golfer on his putter does that make me gay? I would sure hate to use the ball washers on this course.
10. I think that I am very sad that Robert Urich died. Was there a cooler PI on TV than "Spencer for Hire"? I know some of you might be saying "Magnum PI", and normally he would be, but Magnum hung out with Higgins (that whiny little english turd) where Spencer hung out with Hawk. Hawk was the baddest man on TV and the only thing he was afraid of was Spencer. I am going to miss that guy. Sure he hasn't made a "Spencer" movie in a while, but he has been making a ton of those "When Animals Attack" shows, and those were definately the bombdiggidy.
I am out folks, have a great weekend.
My love and thoughts to all
SMac
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