Sleep won't come, niether will the tears

[skyking]

My rock has gone, my mind fills with what ifs and if onlys and why then and what now. I cannot cry for my mother but I can't help thinking about her and the others who have gone before her.
Her pains now fill my heart. Today was so strange, we had gathered as a family through it all and suddenly the family is like so much smoke and mirrors, and I feel more alone than ever.
My wife sleeps on in the next room. I cannot wake her and open her heart up, it is broken in her own way. She fights the same demons with different names.
Yesterday I rationalized (here's a tip, that shit does not work with things like this) that the loss of my father was much harder on me than this loss of my mom.

 

[between]

 

[skyking]

Originally posted by: between
chin up, everything looks better in the morning.

Yeah, you could be right. I went looking at grief and bereavement sites and registered at a forum.
On the second post I clicked on, the person had a link to a site for the lost loved one. It was my dad's exact name!
He had been filling my thoughts as well as my mom, and I think it was pure serendipity for me. It made me smile a bit and I think I can lay my head down again.

 

[GTaudiophile]

Sounds like each of you should go see a therapist to help deal with these pains.

 

[between]

 

[skyking]

Sounds like each of you should go see a therapist to help deal with these pains.

That or group therapy. I will look into it on Monday when I get back home.

I didn't read your post closely enough, I didn't realise you were talking about the death of your mom I'm not very good at offering comforting words, but I hope you can work out what to do to feel better

No worries mate! The lady with the father of the same name emailed me back already. She is in Australia, and is off to see a family who helped her out with her grief next Sunday.
She is headed to the UK to see them, and the coincidences just keep on coming.
My mom "adopted" a young couple from UK on their honeymoon in 1978. They arrived at our farm looking for a bit of work so they could stay in the country a bit longer. The raspberry picking season ended in August but they stayed on until November🙂
Since then they have visited us and mom has visited them over a dozen times. They are truly family. They have been here 5 weeks this time and it was very hard for them to see my mom in such sad shape. I took them to the airport on Tuesday and they were with me when my sister called me to tell me that things had taken a turn for the worse. We cried as I drove them to the airport. They did not want to go but had to.
I don't feel so lonely anymore and the world is a bit smaller than it was a scant hour or two ago.

 

[Engineer]

Again Kelly, I don't know what to say or recommend other than I hope and pray for you and your family and "know" that you will pull through this. Losing a loved one is never easy....and it scars the heart. Bless you, your wife and your family and here's hoping that you soon can move forward with the good memories of your mom.

 

[Sea Moose]

I am sorry to hear about this, like the other person i am not good in this kind of situation, but have you thought about going to your gp and getting some sleeping pills. Its a bit of a bandaid measure but at least you get a good nights sleep.

 

[Damn Dirty Ape]

Originally posted by: skyking
My rock has gone, my mind fills with what ifs and if onlys and why then and what now. I cannot cry for my mother but I can't help thinking about her and the others who have gone before her.
Her pains now fill my heart. Today was so strange, we had gathered as a family through it all and suddenly the family is like so much smoke and mirrors, and I feel more alone than ever.
My wife sleeps on in the next room. I cannot wake her and open her heart up, it is broken in her own way. She fights the same demons with different names.
Yesterday I rationalized (here's a tip, that shit does not work with things like this) that the loss of my father was much harder on me than this loss of my mom.

Sometimes I have mini-anxiety attacks at night - nighttime is a terrible time to be awake (especially middle of the night) with something weighing heavily on your mind. Everything seems 10 times worse at night. Not that this isn't truly a burdensome thing to be thinking about, but at night things always seem even worse.

The next day the problem might still be there, but for me at least always seems somehow more manageable.

Just wanted to say that.

 

[Sea Moose]

Originally posted by: skyking
I feel more alone than ever.

You can always talk to your atot pals! Even talking to people here is better than bottling up your emotion.

 

[Siddhartha]

Originally posted by: skyking
My rock has gone, my mind fills with what ifs and if onlys and why then and what now. I cannot cry for my mother but I can't help thinking about her and the others who have gone before her.
Her pains now fill my heart. Today was so strange, we had gathered as a family through it all and suddenly the family is like so much smoke and mirrors, and I feel more alone than ever.
My wife sleeps on in the next room. I cannot wake her and open her heart up, it is broken in her own way. She fights the same demons with different names.
Yesterday I rationalized (here's a tip, that shit does not work with things like this) that the loss of my father was much harder on me than this loss of my mom.

You are grieving. It is a process you have to go through. If you fight it you are just delaying it and it will be worst for you later. When my dad died, I felt like I was getting hit by a truck that kept backing up and hitting me over and over. I tried to be macho man and Mr Spock which was my normal responses to emotions. But I quickly realized that I had to go through the process.

Oh yeah, ignore anyone who says crap like "be strong" they do not know wtf they are talking about and have not experienced the grieve involved with the lose of a loved one.

 

[Perknose]

It hurts me to see such a good man as you laid low by life, Kelly. You are doing the exact right thing by turning to your friends and expressing your pain. Keeping it bottled up inside under some mistaken idea about "manliness" is a wretched mistake.

This pain is unavoidable, and you just have to move through it. Time is the only thing that really helps. In time, the pain abates. It never goes completely away, but it mellows into a small pocket of sadness that is not in the forefront of your daily life.

The Buddhists say, "Life is suffering." and they ain't kidding, because it is. It is also joy, and that joy will return to you because your Mom and your Dad instilled it in you, and no one and nothing can ever take it away.

 

[skyking]

Originally posted by: Perknose
It hurts me to see such a good man as you laid low by life, Kelly. You are doing the exact right thing by turning to your friends and expressing your pain. Keeping it bottled up inside under some mistaken idea about "manliness" is a wretched mistake.

This pain is unavoidable, and you just have to move through it. Time is the only thing that really helps. In time, the pain abates. It never goes completely away, but it mellows into a small pocket of sadness that is not in the forefront of your daily life.

The Buddhists say, "Life is suffering." and they ain't kidding, because it is. It is also joy, and that joy will return to you because your Mom and your Dad instilled it in you, and no one and nothing can ever take it away.

To quote some songs and titles, I'm NOT "losing all the highs and lows, ain't it funny how the feeling goes awwaay".
I'm not "comfortably numb" , nor do I intend to get that way. I have no problem crying, it is just sometimes the pump gets stuck or things get confused, or the brain gets too busy.