Should be good enough to not be any trouble

Locutus of Board

Diamond Member
Dec 14, 1999
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Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her
11-year-old grandson in from school.

"What did you learn today?" she asked.

"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse
and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly.

The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to
her daughter.

Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days
it's all part of the curriculum."

A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her
daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past
her grandson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously
masturbating.

"Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework,
come on downstairs to eat."
 

Locutus of Board

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Dec 14, 1999
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Another

An extremely shy and very modest man was in the
hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his digestive system upset.

Upon making several false-alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided that the latest was
another false alarm, so he stayed put in his
bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he
jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw
them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling,
cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which
left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his
feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the
sheets, a security guard who had watched the
whole incident walked up and asked, "What was
that all about?"

Still staring down at his feet, the drunk
replied: "I think I just beat the sh!t out of
a ghost"
 

Locutus of Board

Diamond Member
Dec 14, 1999
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Yet another

Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his
wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the
head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she
replies

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explains.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair
reading when she nails him with an even bigger
frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes
to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."
 

Locutus of Board

Diamond Member
Dec 14, 1999
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One more and I'm done.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The
man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man
ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned
himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you
Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's
sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally
responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The
last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."
 

Yeeny

Lifer
Feb 2, 2000
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I was trying to eat when I read the ghost one, and that ended fast. But that one is my favorite too. :)
 

Locutus of Board

Diamond Member
Dec 14, 1999
7,187
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I had to do one more.

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here
has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The
octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the
guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.

The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the
keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another
fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a
few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar
and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred
dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has
another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and
says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing !"

The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off,
I'm gonna fSck it! "