You say, "Ma, I wanna stop
and get some McDonald's."
And she go,
"I got hamburger meat at home."
"But I want McDonald's hamburger."
"I'll make you a hamburger
better than McDonald's."
"You cook better than McDonald's?"
"That's right.
You can help Mama make it."
You say, "******, that's better
than McDonald's."
Your mother say,
"OK, go get me the big frying pan."
So you hand her the frying pan
and she say:
"I want you to go in the refrigerator
and get the meat
and while you in there, get me a green
pepper and a onion." And you say:
"Ain't no green peppers
at McDonald's."
"I'm not making McDonald's,
I'm making Mama's burger.
"I need a green pepper and an onion
and get me an egg out too."
"What you need eggs for?
"I want hamburgers.
"You making Egg McMuffins."
"I'm not making an Egg McMuffin.
I don't know what no Egg McMuffin is.
Just get me the egg
and shut your mouth."
She take the egg and
the green peppers
and chop the peppers up
in big chunks.
Don't even dice it. Big chunks
of green peppers and onion
and mix the egg in and put
paprika and all this ****** in it
and make a big meatball and put it
in the middle of this frying pan.
At McDonald's, the meat is this thin.
Your mother's ****** is like this or fatter.
Green peppers hanging
out of it and ******.
And there's a big split in the middle
and grease is popping out.
You're looking at it while it's popping.
You're looking at the grease
in the pan and thinking:
"That don't look like no McDonald's."
Then your mother say, "Go inside
the refrigerator and get me the bread
out of the bread box." And you go
look in the bread box and you say:
"Ma, we don't have
no hamburger buns.
"All we have is Wonder Bread."
"That's what I said. Get the bread
out of the bread box."
"You gonna put it
on square Wonder Bread?"
"Bread is bread. Bring me
that bread before I slap you.
"Don't tell me about Wonder Bread.
"As much as that bread costs,
don't tell me about Wonder Bread.
"This is Wonder Bread.
A hamburger is a hamburger."
And she'd make it and put it in
the middle of square Wonder Bread.
At McDonald's, they use buns,
the meat covers the whole bread.
At your mother's, the meat's right
in the middle of the bread,
with grease running
through the middle,
making the bread stick
to the plate.
This big green pepper
is hanging out the top
of this big meatball on the bread.
And you try to put some ketchup on it
and it mixes with the grease,
turn the bread into pink dough.
Then you grab it
and get fingerprinted
and you got big, pink fingerprints
in the dough.
You stand there looking at it and you
try to make it look like McDonald's
so you rip the edges off around it,
make it round.
And you got green peppers and
grease running down your hand.
And your mother say,
"Now, go on outside and play."
And the other kids got McDonald's.
They outside going,
"We got McDonald's hamburgers.
"McDonald's. McDonald's.
"I got McDonald's."
And you standing there
with this big "house burger".
And kids are honest.
They say, "Where you get that
big, welfare, green-pepper burger?"
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