- Jun 4, 2005
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Found this over at another Forum. If you can get through this, you should laugh; a lot.
EDIT : I cleaned up the terrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, whatever the hell just for you guys.
EDIT : I cleaned up the terrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, whatever the hell just for you guys.
I put my bike up against some sign and locked it using my kryptonite. Now, you should know; I'm really attached to my bike... like really. It's weird. I get nervous when passer-bys get too close to her, I guess it just grinds my gears.
So I am in Fairhaven just talking to people but not for too long. I go outside and there my bike sits all pretty and sit-like. But wtf? My bikelight is gone. Not the wheels, not the seat, not my anything else. Who does that? I wasn't angry I was just curious. Who would still a big, bulky, cute neon led bike light that was a couple of dollars at some random store. Who? I hop on my bike kind of directionless, trying to decide if I should go home or go to the main campus for festivities. Then there they were, two kids on bikes. Sh*tty BMX bikes at that, not that I could tell, I didn't have a fscking light; which would have been nice considering how dark it was.
These guys were pretty sketchy; wearing all black with hooded sweatshirts and whatnot... Ok, fine, that's not sketchy at all, I can't really describe why these guys seemed sketchy. They were riding towards the Fairhaven main building (where my bike was originally parked) but diverted their course when they saw I was heading out that way. I passed them and thought, "Hmm. Let's have a ho-down!" So I take my krytpo lock out of my bag and place it on my bike and head up into the tree'd pathway from the other side of the little hill where I thought these guys would be.
As I am headin towards the area, I look up, and sure enough, those two sketchy mother fsckers were chilling in the sketchiest place on campus. I ride up the hill to meet up with them and ironically it's right near where my bike got raped last year. They were just kicking it at the top of the hill in the complete dark. Doing... I don't know, raping people? That's all one could do in such a spot. Ok. I've never been in a fight before but I had my Krypto lock in case I had to lock something up. What do you say to two suspected thieves? These guys barely even stole anything, anyway; a ****** bike light.
It was funny, I said something like "Sup dudes. Uh, you two haven't happened to see a bike light around, have you?"
Heh, imagine if they weren't thieves; what kind of question is that? I felt like Larry David a little bit. They don't even look at each other. One instantly looks down, the other has a look on his face like "Wtf?" They both denied seeing a bikelight.
I asked again, "No but seriously, you guys uh... haven't seen a light around? You know? Like for a bike?" with the Larry David stare-down.
"Uh, a bike liight? I, uh no. I mean, what color was it?"
"It was fscking gray."
"Uh, no man."
"So, you guys just hanging out?"
"Yup, yup."
And then I start talking to him about his job, like I really care about this fsck's sh*tty job working in construction. No one says anything and we just sit there for like three minutes. Three minutes isn't really that long, but it was awkward and fscking hilarious. I just keep nodding my head, sitting there. It was great. Then I was said :
"Welp, time to hit the old trail."
Then one of the kids says something like, "If we find it will let you know."
"Alright, cool. You guys going to be around? I kind of need that light. You don't have it, right?"
"I dunn..." Untalkative sketchy friend cuts in "Yeah, you'll see us."
"Alright, see yall."
He then laughs as I am riding away... fsck that. You can't do that. I hadn't gotten far, so in a rage I threw my bike on the ground (for effect) and said "FUCK THAT MAN!" and right as I say that they both charge at me. Now, I was talking to a friend about physics earlier, and well, these guys definitely had less total mass than I did, so I take advantage of that and little throw this little bmxer off of the hill. He rolls like mad and his friend still thinks it's go time. And then I realize why this guy's so confident... he pulls out a fscking knife. I, having my metal, heavy, Kryto bike lock in my hands, am not thinking logically. He suddenly becomes hesitant and I swing the lock as hard as I can. His face happens to be at my armlevel and bam! Blood everywhere. He falls to the ground and appears to be almost unconcious. I decide to do what I do and steal all the stuff in his pockets. He had a cell phone, a new wallet, $40 cash, an expired drivers permit and some other random crap. It was so fscked up. What else could I have done?
I notice the other kid finally getting back on his bike (that had fell down the hill with him) and starts pedalling away. But guess whose chain falls off? Haha, it was great. I hop on my bike and in no time at all we're flying down Bill McDonald parkway. Now, keep in mind, this guy is on a bmx (slow). This kid is either messed up on drugs or sucks at riding bikes; but while doing about 20 miles an hour down hill, he bifs it and slides for a good five feet. I literally kicked him when he was down, multiple times in the chest. And here's the real kicker, in a swift kick, I knock my bike light out of his hoodie pocket. I snatched my light back and throw it in one of my pockets.
Next I just hop on my bike like it's nothing and I head back the opposite way; up Bill McDonald, back towards my place. I see this car and I get nervous, it kind of looked like a cop car, so I turned off my bike light. After closer inspection, it's some drunk ass college kid in a lincoln towncar with a bunch of his friends, swerving all over the road. Then it hits me; that other guy is still laying in the road. Holy sh*t, this guy can't die. I'm trying not to think about it and then it happened; this car totally hit the kid. I get scared, confused, everything and for some reason I decide to head back to where he was. I totally thought he would be capable able to get off the road and at this point, I am balling. His mangled face was pretty much the most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life. It was my first time seeing a dead body, or what I thought was dead. I sit there for a few minutes, thinking about what I can do. Nothing, there was nothing at all, until I heard it. Sirens. This could be bad, or it could be really bad. Thankfully it was just an ambulance, but either way I had to get out of there. In a huff, I steal all of his crap too. I really hope the cop gets me now; with three wallets on me. I can really talk my way out of this one. But anyways, I made it home OK.
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