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Saturdays second round of stolen Brutuskend JOKES

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Originally posted by: Brutuskend
A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19- year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....
For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.
"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 800Lb. gorilla with a sign around his neck. "If I catch you, your ass is MINE!!"
Click to expand...

ROFLMOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. UNfvck you!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."

3. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."

4. "Well, aren't we a fvckin' ray of sunshine?"

5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

6. "EXCUSE ME...Do I look like a people person?"

7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting!"

8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."

9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose."

10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"

11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."

13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet."

16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."

17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."

19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

21. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."

22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."

23. "You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?"

24. "Earth is full. Go home."

25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."

29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!"

30. "Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

31. With a smile, "Would you like a nice cup of shut the fvck up?"

32. "Sucks to be you!"
 
Originally posted by: Brutuskend
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 800Lb. gorilla with a sign around his neck. "If I catch you, your ass is MINE!!"
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH : 😀 😀: D
 
OK, last one for the evening!

I know it will be hard to top some of the others, so I won't even TRY!

I present, the CHICKEN JOKE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for the chicks!
 
heheheh .... its funny but sucks that we have to scroll and scroll looking for a lil' laugh. Thanks Brutuskend.
 
Originally posted by: SyahM
heheheh .... its funny but sucks that we have to scroll and scroll looking for a lil' laugh. Thanks Brutuskend.
Click to expand...

Well apparently a few people were bothered that I started so many joke threads, so I decided to follow the advice of others that I only do one or two a day and then add new jokes to THOSE threads. I think it takes away from the jokes somewhat myself, in as much as I can't use "creative" titles for the threads.

Oh well, if it BOTHERS people I will try to appease them! 😉
 
Keeping in spirit with the dirty jokes:

Why do farmers bang their sheep on the edges of cliffs and not in the barn?





So they'll push back.
 
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