XMan
Lifer
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We?re not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer?what?s the holdup?"
"It?s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He?s all depressed. He?s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn?t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I?m walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far?ten gallons."
Tommy O?Connor goes to confession and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, Tommy O?Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you, Father. Please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No, Father. Please forgive me for my sin, but I really cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No, Father. Please forgive me."
"Well, then, it has to be Sarah Martha O?Keefe."
"No, Father. Please forgive me."
A minute later, Tommy walks out to the pews, where his friend Joseph is waiting.
"What did ya get?" asks Joseph.
"Five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Name one thing that white guys have built that lasted thousands of years. Stonehenge is all there is. 12 stones standing around in a circle, with six in the middle, and still nobody knows what it is for. You know white guys didn't build the pyramids because it needed precision. That's why I think Stonehenge was actually some white guys attempt at building a pyramid. They got those stones up there and were like "Whew... this is too much work, lets just make it into a big sun dial."
Q - Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A - Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, ?If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.?
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. ?What's wrong?' ? he asks.
?You gave me the wrong key!?
Q -What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A - Homeless.
I got a sweater for Christmas this year... I was hoping for a moaner or a screamer, but instead... I got a sweater.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. Amazed, the bartender says, ?Hey, you can talk!?
?Sure, pal,? says the duck. ?Now can I get that drink??
Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he?s doing in the area. ?I work on the building site across the street,? says the duck.
?You should join the circus,? says the barkeep. ?You could make a mint.?
?The circus?? the duck replies. ?What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer??
A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.
The barber smiled at her and said, ?Sweetheart, you?re going to get hair on your Twinkie.?
?I know,? the little girl replied. ?I?m gonna grow boobs, too.?
Bumper Sticker's for the new, battery powered "Segway" scooter
-My child is an honor student, but I can't take them anywhere on this stupid thing.
-My other car, is a car.
-I'm wet, I'm cold, and I'm late!
-If you can read this, you've run me over.
Q. What do you do if there's a bass player staggering around in your yard?
A. Shoot him again.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.
The bartender says, ?Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie??
The pirate replies, ?Aye! It?s driving me nuts!
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer, and a mop.
This guy walks into a bar with his dog one Sunday looking for a place to watch football. As he walks in, the Bartender isn't too happy about having a dog in his bar.
"Please let us stay," says the man. "This is the only place I can watch the Redskins game. I promise my dog will behave himself."
The Bartender feels sorry for the man, and allows him and his dog to stay and watch the game. On the opening drive, the Skins march down the field and kick a field goal. With this, the dog jumps up on the bar and walks up and down on his hind legs giving everyone high fives.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What does he do if they score a touchdown?"
The man looks at the bartender and shrugs. "I don't know, I've only had him four years."
I just heard that to increase security, American Airlines says they are going to start sealing the cockpits with that stuff they use to wrap CD's. No terrorist can get through that.
A bass player goes to the optometrist, and the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating." The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "why... am I going blind?" "No," says the doctor. "But you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, ?There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.?
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, ?Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.?
Hillary said, ?Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.?
She was about to leave, but then she said, ?Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars??
Bill replied, ?That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.?
Arriving at the gates of heaven a fellow is greeted by St. Peter who tells him that he is to spend eternity beyond the gates
in heaven. The fellow is overjoyed. St. Peter adds, "If there is anything you would like to know just ask." "Before I enter heaven could I see hell?" St. Peter comments on the odd request and adds, "No one has ever asked that before, but, I do not see any reason why not. Come along." And off they go to hell. It is remarkable with fine food, choice wines, dancing to the coolest jazz. The fellow thinks to himself, " I am the luckiest son of a gun in the world if hell is this good heaven must be 1,000 times better and I'm there for eternity!" The two return to the gate and enter heaven. Instantly the fellow notices how nice it is, but, very quiet with no food, no drink and a lone angel playing the harp (albeit playing very well.) He asks St. Peter, "I'm a little surprised the heaven does not quite stack up against hell." St. Peter becomes visible upset and yells, "Let me get this straight rookie. You want me to go out and hire a caterer and a band for FOUR people!"
Of all species, the barnacle has the largest penis in relationship to its size... this is why you will never see a barnacle driving a Ferrari.
This guy was lonely and depressed so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. The man went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy a unique and unusual animal to be a companion. After some discussion, the owner brought out a little white box that he said contained a talking centipede. The man, although skeptical, took the box back home, found a good location for his purchase, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me and have a beer?" The man waited but there was no answer from his pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes thinking his new pet might be shy, and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But once again, there was no answer. The man was starting to feel ripped off so after a few more minutes he tried again. Only this time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the bar and have a drink with me?" Finally, a little voice came out of the box, "Jesus Christ man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes."
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We?re not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer?what?s the holdup?"
"It?s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He?s all depressed. He?s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn?t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I?m walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far?ten gallons."
Tommy O?Connor goes to confession and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done, Tommy O?Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you, Father. Please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No, Father. Please forgive me for my sin, but I really cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No, Father. Please forgive me."
"Well, then, it has to be Sarah Martha O?Keefe."
"No, Father. Please forgive me."
A minute later, Tommy walks out to the pews, where his friend Joseph is waiting.
"What did ya get?" asks Joseph.
"Five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Name one thing that white guys have built that lasted thousands of years. Stonehenge is all there is. 12 stones standing around in a circle, with six in the middle, and still nobody knows what it is for. You know white guys didn't build the pyramids because it needed precision. That's why I think Stonehenge was actually some white guys attempt at building a pyramid. They got those stones up there and were like "Whew... this is too much work, lets just make it into a big sun dial."
Q - Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A - Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, ?If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.?
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. ?What's wrong?' ? he asks.
?You gave me the wrong key!?
Q -What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A - Homeless.
I got a sweater for Christmas this year... I was hoping for a moaner or a screamer, but instead... I got a sweater.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. Amazed, the bartender says, ?Hey, you can talk!?
?Sure, pal,? says the duck. ?Now can I get that drink??
Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he?s doing in the area. ?I work on the building site across the street,? says the duck.
?You should join the circus,? says the barkeep. ?You could make a mint.?
?The circus?? the duck replies. ?What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer??
A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.
The barber smiled at her and said, ?Sweetheart, you?re going to get hair on your Twinkie.?
?I know,? the little girl replied. ?I?m gonna grow boobs, too.?
Bumper Sticker's for the new, battery powered "Segway" scooter
-My child is an honor student, but I can't take them anywhere on this stupid thing.
-My other car, is a car.
-I'm wet, I'm cold, and I'm late!
-If you can read this, you've run me over.
Q. What do you do if there's a bass player staggering around in your yard?
A. Shoot him again.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.
The bartender says, ?Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie??
The pirate replies, ?Aye! It?s driving me nuts!
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer, and a mop.
This guy walks into a bar with his dog one Sunday looking for a place to watch football. As he walks in, the Bartender isn't too happy about having a dog in his bar.
"Please let us stay," says the man. "This is the only place I can watch the Redskins game. I promise my dog will behave himself."
The Bartender feels sorry for the man, and allows him and his dog to stay and watch the game. On the opening drive, the Skins march down the field and kick a field goal. With this, the dog jumps up on the bar and walks up and down on his hind legs giving everyone high fives.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What does he do if they score a touchdown?"
The man looks at the bartender and shrugs. "I don't know, I've only had him four years."
I just heard that to increase security, American Airlines says they are going to start sealing the cockpits with that stuff they use to wrap CD's. No terrorist can get through that.
A bass player goes to the optometrist, and the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating." The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "why... am I going blind?" "No," says the doctor. "But you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, ?There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.?
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, ?Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.?
Hillary said, ?Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.?
She was about to leave, but then she said, ?Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars??
Bill replied, ?That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.?
Arriving at the gates of heaven a fellow is greeted by St. Peter who tells him that he is to spend eternity beyond the gates
in heaven. The fellow is overjoyed. St. Peter adds, "If there is anything you would like to know just ask." "Before I enter heaven could I see hell?" St. Peter comments on the odd request and adds, "No one has ever asked that before, but, I do not see any reason why not. Come along." And off they go to hell. It is remarkable with fine food, choice wines, dancing to the coolest jazz. The fellow thinks to himself, " I am the luckiest son of a gun in the world if hell is this good heaven must be 1,000 times better and I'm there for eternity!" The two return to the gate and enter heaven. Instantly the fellow notices how nice it is, but, very quiet with no food, no drink and a lone angel playing the harp (albeit playing very well.) He asks St. Peter, "I'm a little surprised the heaven does not quite stack up against hell." St. Peter becomes visible upset and yells, "Let me get this straight rookie. You want me to go out and hire a caterer and a band for FOUR people!"
Of all species, the barnacle has the largest penis in relationship to its size... this is why you will never see a barnacle driving a Ferrari.
This guy was lonely and depressed so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. The man went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy a unique and unusual animal to be a companion. After some discussion, the owner brought out a little white box that he said contained a talking centipede. The man, although skeptical, took the box back home, found a good location for his purchase, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the bar with me and have a beer?" The man waited but there was no answer from his pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes thinking his new pet might be shy, and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But once again, there was no answer. The man was starting to feel ripped off so after a few more minutes he tried again. Only this time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the bar and have a drink with me?" Finally, a little voice came out of the box, "Jesus Christ man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes."
