- Feb 14, 2005
- 10,341
- 678
- 126
"TRUE AND ACTUAL COMPLAINT to EDINBURGH POLICE STATION:
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith Police
Station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message
on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the
entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, nor do I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a
matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of
calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be
relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily
leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why
not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before
doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve
no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these inbred
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
(name cannot be revealed)
REPLY from the POLICE:
Dear sir,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youthd playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the Police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to do so,
please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and give me
a time that may be suitable.
RESPONSE by the COMPLAINER:
Dear PC (anonymous)
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith
Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community Beat
Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In
the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen
you.
Do you hide up a tree? or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a
matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and
attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of
no more than two syllables at a time) to these lovers that they might want to
play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or
the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the
Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on (telephone no.). If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
(anonymous)"
:laugh:
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith Police
Station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message
on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the
entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, nor do I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a
matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of
calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be
relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily
leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why
not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before
doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve
no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these inbred
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
(name cannot be revealed)
REPLY from the POLICE:
Dear sir,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youthd playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the Police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to do so,
please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and give me
a time that may be suitable.
RESPONSE by the COMPLAINER:
Dear PC (anonymous)
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith
Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community Beat
Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In
the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen
you.
Do you hide up a tree? or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a
matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and
attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of
no more than two syllables at a time) to these lovers that they might want to
play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or
the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the
Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on (telephone no.). If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards
(anonymous)"
:laugh:
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