Real Programmers Don't...
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and
palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right
down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the dullards who
can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for
whatever they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who
can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form
of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for
them.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is
the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon
Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real
program.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
reactor simulation.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure
anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in
BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.
Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more
parenthesis than actual code.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other
sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people
with weak minds.
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a
few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around
at 9:00 am, its because they were up all night.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a
change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real Programmers wear
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear
neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course they are the chief programmer.
Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via
computer mail networks.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners, and other mental defectives.
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's,
Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly
regarded.
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real Programmers ignore schedules.
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like twinkies, coke and
palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't write applications programs. They program right
down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for the dullards who
can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for
whatever they get: they are lucky to get any programs at all.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who
can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form
of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for
them.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is
the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon
Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real
program.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
reactor simulation.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure
anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmer writes in
BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.
Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more
parenthesis than actual code.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other
sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is the crutch for people
with weak minds.
Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a
few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around
at 9:00 am, its because they were up all night.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a
change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable. Real Programmers wear
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were permanently toilet trained. They wear
neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course they are the chief programmer.
Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via
computer mail networks.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners, and other mental defectives.
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."
Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's,
Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly
regarded.
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real Programmers ignore schedules.
