Read this poem ..

[thirtythree]

I am obviously not a poet but I have to write a poem for a school assignment on the Emerson quote "Insist on yourself; never imitate." Just wondering if this poem sounds as bad to you as it does to me.. and if so, do you have any suggestions? Thanks.

how to conceal a murder

look at his clothes
they make him cool
but look at hers
hers make her dull
him and his friends
they always have fun
while she sits alone
alone on her bed

they don't understand
what she's going through
they don't understand
and neither do you
so cast her away
that's what we'll do ..

she tries to fit in
to be just like them
eventually others
accept her in
then she realizes
what she has done
she begins to hate
what she has become
so just be herself
that's what she'll do ..

she notices her friends
don't invite her as much
they don't even seem
to like her as much
soon she can only
see what they see
in their eyes she's dead
dead as can be

so at home
again alone
her frail body shakes;
she knows they won't mind
if she goes to sleep
for a very long time ..

here they are again
now all in black
tear-stained cheeks
cover up what they lack
they'll never learn
they'll never look back

a strange boy
off to the side
his cheeks are bare
but inside there's something
something there
he never spoke
to the girl in the coffin
but he was always there
always there watching

they wonder
who does he think he is?
this is our friend's funeral
this is our friend, not his
then they all smile
but only inside
even they don't know
their next victim has arrived

 

[thirtythree]

Bump.

 

[Skel]

It's not too bad... it kinda seems like someone is reaching out for help... at least it looked like she needed to.

Skel

 

[AreaCode707]

You occasionally alter the phrases so they don't have a repeated pattern, where it might be better to give them that repetition. For instance:

look at his clothes
they make him cool
but look at hers
hers make her dull

You used "they make him cool", go ahead and repeat the line as "they make her dull". It enhances the rhythm a bit.

him and his friends
they always have fun
while she sits alone
alone on her bed

Use repeated words like "alone / alone" when you really want to emphasize something, because that tends to be an attention drawing technique in poetry.

she notices her friends
don't invite her as much
they don't even seem
to like her as much
soon she can only
see what they see
in their eyes she's dead
dead as can be

The "see...see" line was a tad confusing to me. They word emphasis has to be on "they" in order for the line to make sense, and that changes the rhythm and takes it away from the line by line flow you had established.

but inside there's something
something there

Good use of a repeated word for important emphasis.

he never spoke
to the girl in the coffin
but he was always there
always there watching

And again, good use of repetition.

Good work. Hope you get a good grade.

 

[thirtythree]

Thanks for the suggestions HotChic I don't think my grade is a problem but I like to turn decent work in anyway.

 

[BigJ]

Thats a really good poem IMHO, the title is a little abstract, but not bad.

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: BigJ2078
Thats a really good poem IMHO, the title is a little abstract, but not bad.

This is the layout I'm going to use. I think the knife is even further off topic but it will get the readers attention. You can't tell form the image, but the knife is actually made of 0s and 1s.

 

[BigJ]

looks good You get an A+ in BigJ's gradebook, hopefully your teacher agrees.

 

[thirtythree]

Originally posted by: HotChic

she notices her friends
don't invite her as much
they don't even seem
to like her as much
soon she can only
see what they see
in their eyes she's dead
dead as can be

The "see...see" line was a tad confusing to me. They word emphasis has to be on "they" in order for the line to make sense, and that changes the rhythm and takes it away from the line by line flow you had established.

How about:

soon she can see
only what they see


Also, do you like the lack of punctuation? Should I drop the elipses and semicolon too?