Read chapter 1 of my book!

[mfs378]

Take a break from your busy afternoon of surfing the forum, and read this.

Chapter 1

I wrote this the other day, and its all I have so far. I need some comments, either to motivate me to continue or to dissuade me from trying.

 

[MrYogi]

nice

 

[mfs378]

Thanks. Com'on guys, its just two pages of text.

 

[Gage8]

you write well. it was a little hard to get into since it was like opening a book and reading page 94 & 95. Hard to get into the story

 

[Gage8]

write some more so we can find out the ending

 

[stockjock]

good reading....you do have an incomplete sentence though...its in the 2nd paragraph from the end and its the second sentence....I can't cut and paste since its a pdf...but you'll see where when reading it...its says something like "the man from the removed"

 

[mfs378]

Thank's for reading.

That is actually chronologically the end of the book, it just happens to be the first chapter. The rest of the book deals with the intrigue surrounding Harry Burke. I don't want to give it all away, but there are some mafia and lawyer elements to the plot. However, since I haven't written it down yet, I can't be certain what it will transform into.

 

[notfred]

Boring. I mean you spent over a full page describing what the ticket counter looked like, and two sentences describing a murder. I mean, who really gives a crap what the ticket counter looks like?

 

[mfs378]

Describing the surroundings provides an atmosphere. There's a reason why people read books instead of just cliff's notes. But, I thank you for your comments; I myself thought there might be somewhat of an imbalance.

 

[Stratum9]

I have to agree with notfred. For an opening chapter there is too much description and not enough action. Select what you think are the important details to convey atmosphere and jump into the action. Descriptions should be part of the action, helping it to flow with vitality. Avoid lengthy blocks of descriptions in action sequences.

Also avoid introspection during action sequences. "Perhaps this was the man's name," the Cuban man thought to himself. I doubt the thug could give a sh!t about his name. But I understand you're trying to clue your audience about the American's identity. So have the Cuban glance quickly at the name then toss it to the wind. You tell the audience what was on the paper, but also show the cruel indifference of the Cuban thug.

Good luck and keep writing!

 

[brjames]

Hey Marty!
Long time no see. The chapter looked good (although chapter is a bit of overstatement. Sounds more like a prologue to me). Good luck with your writing!

 

[GaryShandling]

dont explain or describe the surroundings, empathise through your perception.

 

[mfs378]

'Sup James. TTT for the evening crowd.

dont explain or describe the surroundings, empathise through your perception.

I am not sure what you mean by this.

 

[Bignate603]

Not bad. During the description I in the first few paragraphs you open with the word "the" a few to many times for my liking. To me it makes it flow less, and almost bounce because it falls into this rthym.

 

[NakaNaka]

I think he means tell it as the main character would see it.

 

[Pastore]

I like your style. I wasn't bored.

 

[mfs378]

Thanks for all the positive comments.

I will take all ideas into consideration the next time I find the time to sit down and write.

I always appreciate more comments and thoughts.

 

[chiwawa626]

Hmm, you should write the cliff notes to the book too, that way if it ever gets popular you can double your sales

 

[yellowperil]

I think I see what the others said about being too descriptive. There's no question you know how to write, but I felt like the focus was on the environment rather than the characters. The narrator is being too objective in just reporting what happens, so there is no suspense or emotion attached to the man being stabbed. I know I'm guilty of this myself (writing just to get to the point which teachers have always emphasized). Good draft nonetheless though.