Question to those in a couple about their significant others

[Feneant2]

I've a general question to those of you in a couple.

What would you say if your SO told you they were going out with someone of the other for a coffee or for a walk to talk. This would be that the other person asked them out after running into them at a club for whatever reason such as them working together or going to school together but there really is no reason for them to catch up on anything.

Would you consider this cheating or what do you make of it? By the details, it of course has to do with me although my situation makes no sense. The girl says we aren't in a relationship but stays with me 6 days a week by her choice because she likes being with me. I told her if she goes out with this guy that she would no longer be allowed to stay and she got all angry saying I am jealous, don't trust her, bla bla bla.

I told her she is too blind to see that a single guy she ran into at a club asking her out for coffee is not just an act of friendship.

What do you all say to this? I know I have to move on, but I just want to know for future reference if my reaction was overblown or what you would expect.

 

[Suture]

She stays with you six days a week, but does not consider you her boyfriend?

I think that alone sums it up.

 

[zixxer]

you're being used.

don't even say anything to her - there's nothing you can do to fix this once it's already happened.


RUN.

 

[Feneant2]

Yeah, I know that is stupid, but I have no one woman lined up as I am in financial difficulty for a bit (I've 2 mortgages until late August) at which point I know what to do.

Don't consider that point, just consider the question- that was just to give my situation (people can walk over me)

 

[MichaelD]

Oh, I LOVE situations like this. :roll:

You say that "She stays with you." I'm assuming that means your relationship has progressed past holding hands and talking, right? I.E. you're exchanging bodily fluids?

If you're not "in a relationship" you don't spend 6 nights a week at someone's house. You weren't real clear about whether she works/goes to school with the guy that asked her out to coffee.

If it's a coworker, and they are just having coffee after work, I wouldn't make a big deal of it, but I WOULD keep an eye on that situation to make sure it wasn't getting out of hand.

If it's some dude she met at a CLUB, then there's only one reason why she would go out with him for coffee and its' NOT for meaningful conversation; it's to set up her next 6-day a week boy toy.

Here's what I've learned during my many, many days of playing The Dating Game. Your standards are just that; YOUR STANDARDS. If what this girl does upsets you or makes you worry (or even makes you ill; been there, done that), then she doesn't deserve you and you need to let her know that. Then dump her ass.

Be prepared to stand by your decision, though. When she calls you, drunk, from the club (or the parking lot of the club...) at 3:00AM you have to ask yourself a question:

Do I really want sloppy seconds from this girl that I thought was only sleeping with me?

Well? Do you?

She sounds young. As in under 22 years old. Most girls are like that at that age. Rump-shakin', heart breakin', love takin' nightmares...but we love them anyway!

If a girl really wants to be with you and make you happy, she will not do the things that upset you. That's the bottom line.

 

[Feneant2]

You write well Micheal.

She is 22 actually, which is why sometimes I am amazed at her level of innoncence when it comes to this. And yes, we are more than just friends otherwise she wouldn't stay at my house. I am maybe a rug to be walked on but my man card hasn't been ripped yet, I will never be just a 'cuddle buddy'.

Blah, I dread the dating game, I can't friggin stand it

 

[I Saw OJ]

I told her if she goes out with this guy that she would no longer be allowed to stay

Seems pretty clear cut to me. You gave her a choice now the ball is in her court.

 

[Stuxnet]

My girlfriend in college got like that. We had dated for 2 years - exclusively - and all of a sudden she wanted to start hanging out with all of her old "guy friends" from high school.

Of course, she did this at our own expense. I practically had to book an appointment with her a week in advance just to fit myself in with these other tools. I tolerated this for about a month. Our conversations got more and more heated while I tried to compete for time with her. Finally one night I just blew up at her over the phone (right after she got back from dinner with her parents and one of these other guys). She broke up with me right there.

At first I was devastated and just couldn't believe how this utter bullsh*t from her escalated to ME getting the boot, but I quickly realized it's what had to happen. She obviously got it in her head one day that she didn't want to be too tied down (unless it was 3 guys giving it to her at once), and she sacrificed our relationship to make that happen.

Oh well. *shrug*

I've now been married for 5 years to the woman I started dating about two weeks later. We've been together since 1998 and got married in 2001.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: Feneant2
You write well Micheal.

She is 22 actually, which is why sometimes I am amazed at her level of innoncence when it comes to this. And yes, we are more than just friends otherwise she wouldn't stay at my house. I am maybe a rug to be walked on but my man card hasn't been ripped yet, I will never be just a 'cuddle buddy'.

Blah, I dread the dating game, I can't friggin stand it

NEVER be a cuddle buddy. That goes NOWHERE. Of course, you don't sleep with every girl the first night, or the first couple of weeks, sometimes. "Progression" is a good thing. The old 1st base, 2nd base, third base, HOMERUN!" rule applies here.

But, if a girl's interested the level of intimacy should steadily progress. Now of course, if she just flat out rips your clothes off and rapes you, that's always OK too.

But anyway, you're already sleeping with her. Don't get played, man. If you think she's playing you dirty, ASK HER. Most cheaters (women AND men) get really flustered when confronted by the truth.

If she flat out told you "I'm going to have coffee/dinner with Bob and it's not your problem, we're not in a relationship." then you need to make a decision.

You either tolerate that shiit and wonder if someone else has been playing in your puppy patch, or you ignore it.

I can tell you this; from what you've said already, I can see her start to come over later and later, with more and more excuses. After that, she'll start standing you up. It's all over but the crying (YOU crying) then.

Think about it, then decide, then put your foot down. IMHO, not getting laid, but having your pride is better than sloppy seconds and pretending you dont' hear her cell ringing like mad while you're doing her and she runs to check it as soon as you're done. :roll:

Good luck.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: Feneant2
You write well Micheal.

She is 22 actually, which is why sometimes I am amazed at her level of innoncence when it comes to this. And yes, we are more than just friends otherwise she wouldn't stay at my house. I am maybe a rug to be walked on but my man card hasn't been ripped yet, I will never be just a 'cuddle buddy'.

Blah, I dread the dating game, I can't friggin stand it

Either use her like she's using you and get use to ot or kick her to the curb and get a subscription to a porno site (if you're not into the dating scene)

 

[arcas]

More importantly, I'm not sure I understand her reaction to your response. Specifically, the you "don't trust her" part. If she doesn't consider you to be her boyfriend, why is she commenting about you trusting her when she goes out?

One of you is completely misreading the relationship. If she's correct then she's merely a roommate/housemate/cuddlebuddy and your reaction was flat wrong. If you're correct and you two are a couple, then your reaction was correct.

Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and determine exactly where you stand. I'm inclined to agree with the earlier posters who think you're being used.

 

[AbAbber2k]

Cut and run, dude. It's pretty obvious she's using you.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: jbourne77

Of course, she did this at our own expense. I practically had to book an appointment with her a week in advance just to fit myself in with these other tools.

...I was devastated and just couldn't believe how this utter bullsh*t from her escalated to ME getting the boot

This is classic, especially the second part. Funny how that worked, right? :roll: She started it, then blamed YOU for the breakup b/c you "blew up" "got angry" or were "too immature to handle my friendships."

Utter BS.

My GF now is the best. She has guy friends that she knew before she met me. In fact, one came to visit her this weekend from another city. She told me in advance he was coming and he was staying at her house. Then said "Of course you will stay with me too! I would never let another man stay in the house with me if you weren't there...even though we are just friends, it would be very disrespectful to you"

I can't tell you how many heartbreaks I've had to endure...how many situations exactly like the ones described in this threads.

I'm so happy now. I hope to marry her one day.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: jbourne77

Of course, she did this at our own expense. I practically had to book an appointment with her a week in advance just to fit myself in with these other tools.

...I was devastated and just couldn't believe how this utter bullsh*t from her escalated to ME getting the boot

This is classic, especially the second part. Funny how that worked, right? :roll: She started it, then blamed YOU for the breakup b/c you "blew up" "got angry" or were "too immature to handle my friendships."

Utter BS.

My GF now is the best. She has guy friends that she knew before she met me. In fact, one came to visit her this weekend from another city. She told me in advance he was coming and he was staying at her house. Then said "Of course you will stay with me too! I would never let another man stay in the house with me if you weren't there...even though we are just friends, it would be very disrespectful to you"

I can't tell you how many heartbreaks I've had to endure...how many situations exactly like the ones described in this threads.

I'm so happy now. I hope to marry her one day.

Falls off chair:shocked:

OK, who hijacked Mike's account?

 

[Feneant2]

Well, from my point of view, how can you not be 'going out' if you spend nearly every waking moment together. Oh well, I think she will be happier this way, she can be a party girl all she wants. I am sure she will one day realize how much of an idiot she was to not take what I offered and come running back, I just hope at that time that I am man enough to say no.

And yes, as some have pointed out, everything here is my fault, would you expect it to be any other way.

Amusingly enough, no women have posted here

 

[Stuxnet]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: jbourne77

Of course, she did this at our own expense. I practically had to book an appointment with her a week in advance just to fit myself in with these other tools.

...I was devastated and just couldn't believe how this utter bullsh*t from her escalated to ME getting the boot

This is classic, especially the second part. Funny how that worked, right? :roll: She started it, then blamed YOU for the breakup b/c you "blew up" "got angry" or were "too immature to handle my friendships."

Utter BS.

Yeah, I was pretty pissed off to say the least. Of course, there's a lot more to the story; things that led up to that final month. We "took a break" from each other about 6 months earlier, and that lasted 3 or 4 weeks. We resumed our "exclusivity" at that point, but things weren't quite the same. We both realized that we weren't going to make it because the magic we had a year earlier (and it WAS magic, believe me) just wasn't there. We both had started to grow up a little more and our interests diverged. She made a move to actually end it by spending so much time with everyone BUT me. I understand why she did it, but I would have been preferred to be kicked to the curb before that month of emotional torture, not after.

It's one of those things where if you're going to do it, DO IT. Don't mindfsck me for a month to see where everything leads.

It might have been a case of her not letting go of one branch until she had a firm grip on the next, though I don't think she dated any of these other guys. I think she just wanted to make sure she'd have a social life "on her own" before she got rid of me completely.

But like I said, it all had to be done. We both could have handled a lot of things MUCH better, but it's the hard times like those that give you perspective on the good things in life.

 

[Megadeth]

I had a situation like this once.... One big difference was that I was in a relationship.
Basically some guy who was contracted to do some cable runs at her office brought her flowers to work. She told me that she explained to him that she was in a relationship.... Well, about a month after that, when we were on our way to class (We had one college class together) she tells me she won't need a ride home because her friend and her were going for coffee afterwards.

I sensed something was up, so after class I told her that I would stick around until her freind showed up so that if her freind didnt show up she would still have a rid home. She broke down right there and got all emotional... The friend that I'm going to coffee with is (The guy who brought her flowers) and he just wanted to talk about religion. Apparently he caught wind that she went to church like 5 times per week and was looking for a way to get to her.

LOL, she tells me that they were only going to discuss religion... Right, Like I actually beleived that. About a week later was Valentines day and we had plans that night but she never showed.... She went out with this guy. I dropped contact at that point and moved on.

I ran into the guy a couple years later, he was telling me how they are engaged ect.... I ran into her at a resturaunt a couple months after that and apparently they were angaged for a short time before she broke up with him and moved on to some other guy and got pregnant.

Maybe my past experience does not apply to all women or relationships but it does stick out in my mind as something to watch out for.
Anyway, I was glad that happened... Just showed me that I needed to move on and I did. These days I am happily engaged.

 

[lokiju]

If she doesn't see the harm in doing this then she is no good for you and just lying to herself.

Would be a different thing if she was friends with this guy before you two ever met and she went to get coffee even, but even at that it's not something I'd be overly thrilled about.

 

[K1052]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: jbourne77

Of course, she did this at our own expense. I practically had to book an appointment with her a week in advance just to fit myself in with these other tools.

...I was devastated and just couldn't believe how this utter bullsh*t from her escalated to ME getting the boot

This is classic, especially the second part. Funny how that worked, right? :roll: She started it, then blamed YOU for the breakup b/c you "blew up" "got angry" or were "too immature to handle my friendships."

Utter BS.

My GF now is the best. She has guy friends that she knew before she met me. In fact, one came to visit her this weekend from another city. She told me in advance he was coming and he was staying at her house. Then said "Of course you will stay with me too! I would never let another man stay in the house with me if you weren't there...even though we are just friends, it would be very disrespectful to you"

I can't tell you how many heartbreaks I've had to endure...how many situations exactly like the ones described in this threads.

I'm so happy now. I hope to marry her one day.

Falls off chair:shocked:

OK, who hijacked Mike's account?

The tinfoil hat crowd in P&N were apparently right, this is one of the signs of the coming apocalypse.

The end is near. :Q

 

[Stuxnet]

To give an example of what my ex girlfriend would do:

(back in college, of course)

There was one day where she came to me and said "there's a party that 'Mike' invited me to next week".

Me: "Okay... am I invited?"

Cockstomp: "Sure. It's not Mike's party... it's on campus and he was just telling me about it."

(a day passes, and we end up talking about the party while we're out eating lunch)

Me: "So what time should I pick you up for the party?"

Cockstomp: "Oh, I'm sorry... you must have misunderstood. You're free to go, too, but I told Mike I would go with him."

Me: "What. THE. FVCK?!?!?!?!"

(long pause)

Me: "Are you fvcking kidding me? What do you mean you're 'going with Mike'?"

Cockstomp: "Well he told me about the party and asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes."

Me: "Do EITHER of you realize that you and I are dating?!"

Cockstomp: "Sorry..." (as she just shrugs her shoulders)

Me: "Sorry my ass... pay for your own lunch. I'm out of here."

And actually, not only did she end up paying for her own lunch, she bought mine too AND found herself stuck at the place without a car. I stood up, took a drink, and left in MY car.

This was about two weeks before our break-up.

I have lots of these little goodies from that month.

But then I found myself sh*tfaced at a party a few weeks after our breakup. I started fooling around with a girl I was friends with in highschool. The rest is history and partially documented on videotape.

 

[Garet Jax]

Originally posted by: Feneant2
I've a general question to those of you in a couple.

What would you say if your SO told you they were going out with someone of the other for a coffee or for a walk to talk. This would be that the other person asked them out after running into them at a club for whatever reason such as them working together or going to school together but there really is no reason for them to catch up on anything.

Would you consider this cheating or what do you make of it? By the details, it of course has to do with me although my situation makes no sense. The girl says we aren't in a relationship but stays with me 6 days a week by her choice because she likes being with me. I told her if she goes out with this guy that she would no longer be allowed to stay and she got all angry saying I am jealous, don't trust her, bla bla bla.

I told her she is too blind to see that a single guy she ran into at a club asking her out for coffee is not just an act of friendship.

What do you all say to this? I know I have to move on, but I just want to know for future reference if my reaction was overblown or what you would expect.

You are her convenience.

She has proven it by going out on a date with a guy she met in a club. You are her stepping stone and you were right in ending it right there.

 

[MichaelD]

Heh, nobody hijacked my account. It's me.

She's not perfect...neither am I. But, we are good for each other. Nobody's in a rush though...we'll see what happens.

/end hijack

 

[Stuxnet]

BTW - to the OP:

It sounds to me like your relationship with this girl is that of a sugar daddy/[fill in the blank]. In exchange for letting her stay at your place (so she presumably doesn't have to live with mommy and daddy), she lets you dabble in her ink. Obviously this little arrangement hasn't gotten in the way of her social life with other men.

Get a woman who appreciates you for YOU. There are quite a few out there, many of whom likely want exactly what you want: a committed, meaningful relationship with an appreciative member of the opposite sex.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: jbourne77
To give an example of what my ex girlfriend would do:

(back in college, of course)

There was one day where she came to me and said "there's a party that 'Mike' invited me to next week".

Me: "Okay... am I invited?"

Cockstomp: "Sure. It's not Mike's party... it's on campus and he was just telling me about it."

(a day passes, and we end up talking about the party while we're out eating lunch)

Me: "So what time should I pick you up for the party?"

Cockstomp: "Oh, I'm sorry... you must have misunderstood. You're free to go, too, but I told Mike I would go with him."

Me: "What. THE. FVCK?!?!?!?!"

(long pause)

Me: "Are you fvcking kidding me? What do you mean you're 'going with Mike'?"

Cockstomp: "Well he told me about the party and asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes."

Me: "Do EITHER of you realize that you and I are dating?!"

Cockstomp: "Sorry..." (as she just shrugs her shoulders)

Me: "Sorry my ass... pay for your own lunch. I'm out of here."

And actually, not only did she end up paying for her own lunch, she bought mine too AND found herself stuck at the place without a car. I stood up, took a drink, and left in MY car.

This was about two weeks before our break-up.

I have lots of these little goodies from that month.

But then I found myself sh*tfaced at a party a few weeks after our breakup. I started fooling around with a girl I was friends with in highschool. The rest is history and partially documented on videotape.

Classic! "Does he or YOU realize that WE are in a relationship?" What a waste she was. Dude, you're way better off without that baggage!

 

[arcas]

Originally posted by: MichaelD
Heh, nobody hijacked my account. It's me.

She's not perfect...neither am I. But, we are good for each other. Nobody's in a rush though...we'll see what happens.

/end hijack

Congrats Mike. Now, I think I'm going to have to demand pics of this fine catch.