- Jun 19, 2001
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i thought this was a pretty entertaining read....
Breaking down the best and worst NFL uniforms
sometimes wonder: If I owned an NFL expansion franchise, what would I name it and what would the team's colors be. The NFL has a serious lack of imagination when it comes to naming its teams. Most of the league's nicknames are either cat-, bird- or human-related. For example, the Jaguars, the Falcons and the Giants. That is pretty much all the forefathers of the NFL had on their minds when naming 32 teams. Occasionally, you get an owner with some gall who will name his team after an aquatic mammal (Dolphins), and some time ago a man thought it would be intimidating to name his franchise after an airplane (Jets). The NFL is a league in which Vikings and Packers and Titans square off on any given Sunday against Eagles, Panthers or Bears.
I never understood that owners, when given the chance to name a team after something intimidating, chose the easy cat, bird or man. To me it seems like an easy way out; there are far more intimidating things roaming the earth than Saints and Rams. Who's afraid of a Ram? Every time I watch one of those nature shows about rams, it looks as if they only fight each other. St. Louis practices must be crazy. Maybe that explains the lack of defense on Sundays. All week Adam Archuleta lines up across the field and goes on a dead run until he bashes horns with Chris Claiborne. Sounds tiring. The Rams uniforms used to look cool, but since they changed the color scheme to that God awful gold-ish and blue it's looked like a little arena league uni to me.
The Colts are one of two teams named after a horse, the other being the Broncos. Bronco is a cool enough name because they buck and put up a fight, but a Colt? Isn't a colt a baby bronco? Why name your team after a baby anything? Why not have the Baltimore Chicks or the Cincinnati Kittens? I like the Colts' uniforms, but the placement of the logo on the helmet makes it look as if every member of the team got kicked in the head.
The Broncos' logo is like too many other logos in the NFL. Most helmets have the bird/cat/man on the side facing the front with an odd cropping at the bottom of it. The Patriots, Texans, Jaguars, Panthers and Vikings all subscribe to this style.
One team (the Browns) has nothing on its helmets. The Browns make my short list of ugliest NFL uniforms. Brown and orange are not colors for a football player. They are colors for a person who works at Burger King. When the Browns wear their home jerseys, the offensive linemen look like a collection of UPS trucks. Except UPS is faster.
The AFC North is home to two of the ugliest unis in the game. The Bengals' uniforms look like my son's pajamas. If a group of Bengals players came to my door step I would expect them to all yell, "Trick or treat!" Again, orange is not the best color for football. It is downright sad when a fan paints his face on game day. But painting your face bright orange with stripes should put you in either a mental hospital or a preschool.
Some of you will disagree with me, but I think the Ravens' uniforms are bad ass. Not since Luther Vandross weighed 400 pounds has purple been so scary.
The Steelers have the best uniforms in football. The color scheme is cool and I love that the logo is only on one side of the helmet. Because of the Steelers' uniforms being so cool, the AFC North narrowly avoids being the ugliest-dressed division in football.
That honor goes to the NFC West. What a train wreck that collection of laundry is. The Cardinals wear red, obviously, because that is the color of the bird. Sadly, Cardinals are not scary -- neither the bird nor the team -- unless you have to coach them. The Rams we have already covered, which brings me to the Seahawks. Is it blue? Is it green? Is it teal? Who knows? One thing is for sure: it's ugly and no grown man should have to wear blue pants unless he is a cop or a night watchman. The San Francisco 49ers may have the worst uniforms in the division. Gold pants? Do you get roller skates and a glow stick when you sign up for this squad. I know the gold is supposed to represent the gold rush of 1849, but there hasn't been any gold in San Francisco since Ken Norton's teeth.
The Giants are forced to wear gray pants. Not nearly as bad as gold pants, but not much better either. Are they janitors or are they trying to camouflage themselves to match the slush in the parking lot in December?
I am surprised no NFL team has gone with an all black uniform. The Jaguars experimented with it a little earlier this season and it looked intimidating.
After much discussion with the guys from Queer Eye, I have decided that the worst uniforms in the NFL belong to:
1. Seattle Seahawks: Nothing makes you want to play in the rain more than blue pants.
2. Cleveland Browns: Seriously, orange and brown?
3. Cincinnati Bengals: They could only look worse if Roy Horn walked them out onto the field.
The best uniforms in the NFL belong to:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers. The black and gold bring out the highlights in Troy Polamalu's afro.
2. (tie) Dallas Cowboys: The star on the Cowboys' helmet is as simple and effective as you can get.
2. Chicago Bears: The Bears uniforms scream, Don't mess with us!
3. Oakland Raiders. The silver and black always will be the color of the league. Especially when you have the best 3-5 team in football.
After much pondering, wondering and deliberating, I have decided that if I had an NFL franchise, I would have the uniforms be all black. The helmets would be all black with nothing on them. All players would be forced to wear mirrored visors over their face masks and no one would wear socks. The colors would be the same on the road as well as at home. The name of the team would be The Jay Mohr's. Unless they started a really long losing streak. Then they would be changed to the Black Cardinals.
Breaking down the best and worst NFL uniforms
sometimes wonder: If I owned an NFL expansion franchise, what would I name it and what would the team's colors be. The NFL has a serious lack of imagination when it comes to naming its teams. Most of the league's nicknames are either cat-, bird- or human-related. For example, the Jaguars, the Falcons and the Giants. That is pretty much all the forefathers of the NFL had on their minds when naming 32 teams. Occasionally, you get an owner with some gall who will name his team after an aquatic mammal (Dolphins), and some time ago a man thought it would be intimidating to name his franchise after an airplane (Jets). The NFL is a league in which Vikings and Packers and Titans square off on any given Sunday against Eagles, Panthers or Bears.
I never understood that owners, when given the chance to name a team after something intimidating, chose the easy cat, bird or man. To me it seems like an easy way out; there are far more intimidating things roaming the earth than Saints and Rams. Who's afraid of a Ram? Every time I watch one of those nature shows about rams, it looks as if they only fight each other. St. Louis practices must be crazy. Maybe that explains the lack of defense on Sundays. All week Adam Archuleta lines up across the field and goes on a dead run until he bashes horns with Chris Claiborne. Sounds tiring. The Rams uniforms used to look cool, but since they changed the color scheme to that God awful gold-ish and blue it's looked like a little arena league uni to me.
The Colts are one of two teams named after a horse, the other being the Broncos. Bronco is a cool enough name because they buck and put up a fight, but a Colt? Isn't a colt a baby bronco? Why name your team after a baby anything? Why not have the Baltimore Chicks or the Cincinnati Kittens? I like the Colts' uniforms, but the placement of the logo on the helmet makes it look as if every member of the team got kicked in the head.
The Broncos' logo is like too many other logos in the NFL. Most helmets have the bird/cat/man on the side facing the front with an odd cropping at the bottom of it. The Patriots, Texans, Jaguars, Panthers and Vikings all subscribe to this style.
One team (the Browns) has nothing on its helmets. The Browns make my short list of ugliest NFL uniforms. Brown and orange are not colors for a football player. They are colors for a person who works at Burger King. When the Browns wear their home jerseys, the offensive linemen look like a collection of UPS trucks. Except UPS is faster.
The AFC North is home to two of the ugliest unis in the game. The Bengals' uniforms look like my son's pajamas. If a group of Bengals players came to my door step I would expect them to all yell, "Trick or treat!" Again, orange is not the best color for football. It is downright sad when a fan paints his face on game day. But painting your face bright orange with stripes should put you in either a mental hospital or a preschool.
Some of you will disagree with me, but I think the Ravens' uniforms are bad ass. Not since Luther Vandross weighed 400 pounds has purple been so scary.
The Steelers have the best uniforms in football. The color scheme is cool and I love that the logo is only on one side of the helmet. Because of the Steelers' uniforms being so cool, the AFC North narrowly avoids being the ugliest-dressed division in football.
That honor goes to the NFC West. What a train wreck that collection of laundry is. The Cardinals wear red, obviously, because that is the color of the bird. Sadly, Cardinals are not scary -- neither the bird nor the team -- unless you have to coach them. The Rams we have already covered, which brings me to the Seahawks. Is it blue? Is it green? Is it teal? Who knows? One thing is for sure: it's ugly and no grown man should have to wear blue pants unless he is a cop or a night watchman. The San Francisco 49ers may have the worst uniforms in the division. Gold pants? Do you get roller skates and a glow stick when you sign up for this squad. I know the gold is supposed to represent the gold rush of 1849, but there hasn't been any gold in San Francisco since Ken Norton's teeth.
The Giants are forced to wear gray pants. Not nearly as bad as gold pants, but not much better either. Are they janitors or are they trying to camouflage themselves to match the slush in the parking lot in December?
I am surprised no NFL team has gone with an all black uniform. The Jaguars experimented with it a little earlier this season and it looked intimidating.
After much discussion with the guys from Queer Eye, I have decided that the worst uniforms in the NFL belong to:
1. Seattle Seahawks: Nothing makes you want to play in the rain more than blue pants.
2. Cleveland Browns: Seriously, orange and brown?
3. Cincinnati Bengals: They could only look worse if Roy Horn walked them out onto the field.
The best uniforms in the NFL belong to:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers. The black and gold bring out the highlights in Troy Polamalu's afro.
2. (tie) Dallas Cowboys: The star on the Cowboys' helmet is as simple and effective as you can get.
2. Chicago Bears: The Bears uniforms scream, Don't mess with us!
3. Oakland Raiders. The silver and black always will be the color of the league. Especially when you have the best 3-5 team in football.
After much pondering, wondering and deliberating, I have decided that if I had an NFL franchise, I would have the uniforms be all black. The helmets would be all black with nothing on them. All players would be forced to wear mirrored visors over their face masks and no one would wear socks. The colors would be the same on the road as well as at home. The name of the team would be The Jay Mohr's. Unless they started a really long losing streak. Then they would be changed to the Black Cardinals.
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