Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Smoke
First of all, I don't smoke. I hate the smell, I hate the smell it leaves on people's breath, and I hate how it makes your hair and clothes stink if you go out. But, and this is a big but, there are several reasons why one should smoke and I'm going to lay out the top ten for you:
Smoking looks cool. For some reason bad ass people look even badder when they have a cigarette in their hand. James Dean smoked, the Rat Pack smoked, even Steve Buscemi smokes on screen from time to time. You have to give credit where credit is due, and that credit goes to cool people who smoke. Thankfully I knew at a young I age that I would never be that cool, and thus smoking would not help my image. Thank you self esteem!
Smoking gives you an excuse to do something with your hands. Everyone knows playing with stuff in your fingers is exciting. So why not do it while smoking? Playing Jacks? Meh? that's way too 30's and 40's for this modern guy.
Smoking opens up a whole new social scene. Ever been out with your friends to a bar or club that didn't allow smoking? Did you notice how all the cool people would always make regular trips to step outside and puff on a cigarillo? What do you think these cool kids talk about? Why, everything cool that you never get to partake in, of course!
Smoking gives you an excuse to take a 10 minute break every half hour. I can't tell you how jealous I am of the smokers I work with that get to go outside and talk about cool stuff for 20 minutes out of every hour. This is probably the most compelling reason why you should smoke. Stick it to the man! Tell him you have to smoke or you're going to go ape ****** in the work place, he'll understand.
Smoking gives you an inside track on speaking inventory jargon with the clerk behind the counter. It's amazing to me the copius varieties of cigarettes one can buy at the neighborhood gas station. If I hear one more person tell the clerk that they need "two soft packs of Camel Turkish Menthol Virginia Slim 100's and one hard pack of Marlboro Cowboy Killer Medium Extreme Lights" I'm going to punch them in the teeth and then sue them to pay for the skin bleaching I'll have to endure to get the yellow off of my knuckles.
Smoking gives you something to do while you're eating if you live in rural Kentucky. Let's face it. Meal time just isn't meal time in a restaraunt if you don't have a Marlboro Light in one hand and a piece of fried chicken in the other. What's that greenish-grey film on the ceiling tiles you say? Oh don't mind that, we call that ambience!
Smoking let's you bum something from complete strangers on a regular basis. Nothing gives you more right to walk up to a stranger and ask for something free than being a smoker without a pack. It's completely acceptable to walk up to anyone you see who 'looks like they might' smoke and say, "Hey man/hoochie, can I bum a smoke?"
Smoking let's you hide stuff from people. For some people, hiding the fact that they smoke from people they care about is all they have in life. Constantly dodging questions, spraying Febreeze on your clothes, or trying to remember whether or not you left that spare pack of menthols in the glove compartment can consume your day with all the fullfillment you need.
Smoking encourages better personal hygiene. It's common knowledge that jacked-up and yellow-stained teeth are better left to the professionals, like the Brits. Real god-fearing, all-American smokers should take 4 showers a day and brush and floss about twice as often. Austin Powers may be swingin', but his grill is all ****** up.
Smoking gives you the right to complain when some government says you can't do it. If you don't smoke, you basically forfeit the right to complain when a city passes an ordinance banning smoking in public establishments such as restaraunts and bars. Whoever the sissies were that said, "Smoking in a restaraunt is like peeing in a public pool" are a bunch of pansies that need to be flogged. Everyone knows that it's a myth that second hand smoke affects other people. Grow a pair and smoke some 'backer commies!
First of all, I don't smoke. I hate the smell, I hate the smell it leaves on people's breath, and I hate how it makes your hair and clothes stink if you go out. But, and this is a big but, there are several reasons why one should smoke and I'm going to lay out the top ten for you:
Smoking looks cool. For some reason bad ass people look even badder when they have a cigarette in their hand. James Dean smoked, the Rat Pack smoked, even Steve Buscemi smokes on screen from time to time. You have to give credit where credit is due, and that credit goes to cool people who smoke. Thankfully I knew at a young I age that I would never be that cool, and thus smoking would not help my image. Thank you self esteem!
Smoking gives you an excuse to do something with your hands. Everyone knows playing with stuff in your fingers is exciting. So why not do it while smoking? Playing Jacks? Meh? that's way too 30's and 40's for this modern guy.
Smoking opens up a whole new social scene. Ever been out with your friends to a bar or club that didn't allow smoking? Did you notice how all the cool people would always make regular trips to step outside and puff on a cigarillo? What do you think these cool kids talk about? Why, everything cool that you never get to partake in, of course!
Smoking gives you an excuse to take a 10 minute break every half hour. I can't tell you how jealous I am of the smokers I work with that get to go outside and talk about cool stuff for 20 minutes out of every hour. This is probably the most compelling reason why you should smoke. Stick it to the man! Tell him you have to smoke or you're going to go ape ****** in the work place, he'll understand.
Smoking gives you an inside track on speaking inventory jargon with the clerk behind the counter. It's amazing to me the copius varieties of cigarettes one can buy at the neighborhood gas station. If I hear one more person tell the clerk that they need "two soft packs of Camel Turkish Menthol Virginia Slim 100's and one hard pack of Marlboro Cowboy Killer Medium Extreme Lights" I'm going to punch them in the teeth and then sue them to pay for the skin bleaching I'll have to endure to get the yellow off of my knuckles.
Smoking gives you something to do while you're eating if you live in rural Kentucky. Let's face it. Meal time just isn't meal time in a restaraunt if you don't have a Marlboro Light in one hand and a piece of fried chicken in the other. What's that greenish-grey film on the ceiling tiles you say? Oh don't mind that, we call that ambience!
Smoking let's you bum something from complete strangers on a regular basis. Nothing gives you more right to walk up to a stranger and ask for something free than being a smoker without a pack. It's completely acceptable to walk up to anyone you see who 'looks like they might' smoke and say, "Hey man/hoochie, can I bum a smoke?"
Smoking let's you hide stuff from people. For some people, hiding the fact that they smoke from people they care about is all they have in life. Constantly dodging questions, spraying Febreeze on your clothes, or trying to remember whether or not you left that spare pack of menthols in the glove compartment can consume your day with all the fullfillment you need.
Smoking encourages better personal hygiene. It's common knowledge that jacked-up and yellow-stained teeth are better left to the professionals, like the Brits. Real god-fearing, all-American smokers should take 4 showers a day and brush and floss about twice as often. Austin Powers may be swingin', but his grill is all ****** up.
Smoking gives you the right to complain when some government says you can't do it. If you don't smoke, you basically forfeit the right to complain when a city passes an ordinance banning smoking in public establishments such as restaraunts and bars. Whoever the sissies were that said, "Smoking in a restaraunt is like peeing in a public pool" are a bunch of pansies that need to be flogged. Everyone knows that it's a myth that second hand smoke affects other people. Grow a pair and smoke some 'backer commies!
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