Problems with perception

[pinion9]

Let me preface this by saying this is not a bragging thread. I will keep details at a minimum.

My wife and I are 25. We both have very good jobs. I started in my current job at the bottom in college making like $10/hr. However, I worked hard and got my degree. Now I have a position of extreme responsibility, work 50+ hours a week, and am on call nearly 24/7. Together my wife and I make around 170K/year (good in Alaska.) Again, this is through hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. This didn't just land on us.

We just bought property and started building a house that is about 5400 sq. ft. We love being at home, so we don't have a problem having a large house payment. We got the down payment by saving and also busting our asses for 3 years owning and managing a 9-plex. We are doing some of the work on the house ourselves.

We have nice vehicles (practical though. She drives a new Montana and I have a Tracer and an '00 F350) We also have a timeshare and vacation in somewhat exotic places. But again, this is not without sacrifice.

We also don't talk about how much we make, flaunt it, etc. My wife will go out of her way to turn paychecks over, etc. if guests are coming over. We don't go overboard with Christmas/Birthdays. We don't showboat.

However, since we do own nice things and are building a large house, many people seem to think that we think we are better than them. They make comments about the large house, etc. etc. Is there anything we can do to change the perception, or is envy always going to be a part of being succesful?

Cliffs:
Wife and I are 25
Make ~170K year busting our asses working, going to school, etc.
Builind a nice house, own nice things, but do not flaunt the fact that we are doing well.
People seem to have a perception that we think we are better than them.
How can we change this?

 

[SarcasticDwarf]

There's little you can do. People don't realize that good money management skills mean that you can have twice as much as a person without them.

 

[jhayx7]

Why do you think you are better than me???



I thought your title said Problems with prescription.

 

[altonb1]

You commented that ~170k/yr is good for Alaska. I would disagree and say that it is good for ALL parts of the US, and probably the world. You may have earned it by busting your butt, but I would say you are pretty affluent compared to most people. As a result, even though you do not think you are rich, you basically are to most everyone else. I don't see a way for you to change that perception.

 

[DaShen]

You are going to get that from people when you are successful at something.

I get that kind of stuff all the time when it comes to cycling and a few other things. I am great at a few things, but I am also terrible at a few things (no different than any other bloke). I will get heckled on the bike and people I ride with always try to out race me because I have gotten really good on the bike. I usually let them, but then some of the immature ones just heckle more, and that gets annoying. You just have to not let it bother you too much, or get the offenders to stop.

One of the guys I used to ride with kept heckling me during the ride, and I finally told him to stop. He said, "That is what you get for being good." What a ridiculous sense of logic. Like that vindicates him for being an ass. I don't ride with him anymore.

 

[pinion9]

What really bothers me is her best friend and her husband. Neither of them have a college education (her friend is like 3 classes short of a degree and refuses to go back.) They had a kid on accident, work non-skilled jobs, and live in their parents basement. She is always making comments about how much I make, probing. She'll say things like "my dad makes this much, which I'm sure is more than Eric." Of course my wife doesn't correct her, but why even broach the topic?

We bought a massage chair; it was like $1500. It was a graduation gift from my wife. Her friend started by asking how much payments were, and when my wife said nothing, we bought it, she was flabbergasted.

My coworkers, my sister, everyone seems to have something to say about us having a large house. And of course, we don't volunteer that it is large. They ask how big and we aren't going to lie.

It is just lame that people are like that. Be happy for those around you, ya know?

 

[TheShiz]

if people think you think you are better than them, then you probably do think that way. what is the problem?

if you really wanted to change their perceptions you would buy a modest house and give some money to charity and don't tell people how much you make.

anyway, why do you care? do what you want with your money.

 

[pinion9]

Originally posted by: TheShiz
if people think you think you are better than them, then you probably do think that way. what is the problem?

if you really wanted to change their perceptions you would buy a modest house and give some money to charity and don't tell people how much you make.

anyway, why do you care? do what you want with your money.

I don't think that way. That is my point.

Did you read the thread? We go out of our way so people don't know how much we make.

Why buy a modest house? Some people like fancy cars, weekends at bars, nice jewelry, eating out all the time. We LOVE being at home and want a nice house. And so what? Give money to charity and then tell everyone "look, I gave my money away.'"

It is funny. I know people that don't make much but will spend $1000/month drinking it away at bars and eating out every night of the week. They piss their money away and no one says anything. I however take that money and put it towards a house payment for a nice house I put a lot of work into and now I'm the snob.

I do what I want with my money, but I can't help but feel people looking down their noses, asking "what makes them so special?"

 

[shortylickens]

When I was in the Navy we had this little program called COMRELS, community relations.
When we went out on deployments and stopped in foriegn ports some of us would go to a local town and build a school or a church, or maybe something entirely different.
They always had to buy their own material since the USN doesnt finance contruction for foriegn civilians.
And in a poor town labor comes cheap because it cant pay anything else.

So why did we do it?
Part of being a good american is showing other people (who may only know about you from word of mouth) that you can come down off your high horse and help the little people.

Now I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm just telling you what we did.
It seems to work.

 

[pinion9]

Originally posted by: shortylickens
When I was in the Navy we had this little program called COMRELS, community relations.
When we went out on deployments and stopped in foriegn ports some of us would go to a local town and build a school or a church, or maybe something entirely different.
They always had to buy their own material since the USN doesnt finance contruction for foriegn civilians.
And in a poor town labor comes cheap because it cant pay anything else.

So why did we do it?
Part of being a good american is showing other people (who may only know about you from word of mouth) that you can come down off your high horse and help the little people.

Now I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm just telling you what we did.
It seems to work.

That would work nice in a third world country. But this is America and since I busted my ass getting where I am I am not a charitable person. I don't mind buying dinner for friends occasionally and paying more than my share for things, or taking them to the lake and paying for all the gas and food, but I certainly don't think I need to help my friends make a mortgage payment or buy a house (unless they are down on their luck, e.g. laid off at work, need money while getting a new job.)

 

[MoPHo]

fix it by joining an exclusive club where there are more people on your economic level. other than that, you can't change the way people think.

if you could change the way people think, bush would've won the election with 100% in the polls and cheney would be sleeping with your wife. hhheeyyyy-oh!

 

[shortylickens]

I agree entirely. It wouldnt work for you.

If you want a good suggestion, I recommend a BBQ party.
Send written invites to each house on your block, or in your neighborhood if its small.

Show them that you are a caring, warm-hearted person. Then you can move from Local rich miser (in their eyes) to local friendly affluent neighbor.

My uncle did this when he lost his parents. Daddy had been a rich banker but always very popular in the small community.
When Uncle Chuck got a fat insurance payout and the estate, he went ahead and showed his town he could be lovable as well.

When I get my new job (pays a lot more than my current) and get settled into a nice house, I intend to have a big BBQ.

If you dont fee like doing that, then try getting active in some local charities. Again to show that you are a good neighbor.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: pinion9
What really bothers me is her best friend and her husband. Neither of them have a college education (her friend is like 3 classes short of a degree and refuses to go back.) They had a kid on accident, work non-skilled jobs, and live in their parents basement. She is always making comments about how much I make, probing. She'll say things like "my dad makes this much, which I'm sure is more than Eric." Of course my wife doesn't correct her, but why even broach the topic?

We bought a massage chair; it was like $1500. It was a graduation gift from my wife. Her friend started by asking how much payments were, and when my wife said nothing, we bought it, she was flabbergasted.

My coworkers, my sister, everyone seems to have something to say about us having a large house. And of course, we don't volunteer that it is large. They ask how big and we aren't going to lie.

It is just lame that people are like that. Be happy for those around you, ya know?

You need to cut some of those people off like cancer. Sorry but it is true.

People like that will always be that way. They will also be the same people, who, given an ounce of success, will rub it in everyones face and get big headed. They also will always attribute their problems in life to people who are more successful in their minds. I know this last statement seems ludicrous (but I know people like this and all I can say is that it somehow starts to make sense in their minds).

I used to hang out with this one guy whose parents were not well off, but were at least supporting him through school. He would always complain about it to me and to others (what he didn't realize is that I probably had it much worse than him monetarialy wise for at least a few years but I almost never said anything about it). Most of the guys I knew except for close friends and roommates didn't know how rough it got in college sometimes. We both know this one guy whose parents are very rich and who gets a lot of things he wants. The rich kid was a little immature at the time, and a little inconsiderate when it came to going to events because sometimes they were just out of some of our price levels, but overall a really nice guy (and now is quite a responsible, decent, considerate guy <quite a respectable fellow actually> ). The poor guy hated this guy for getting everything he wanted even though the rich kid would go out of his way to help the poor guy out and include him in group get-togethers. I left for school knowing this and came back on vacation and the poor guy talks to me again. By this time, he not only hates the guy for getting what he wanted, every little success the guy had, even minor things, became things that the guy loath about the rich kid. If the guy did well in school, it was because his parents were rich and he didn't have to worry about money like this poor guy did. If he did well in sports, it was because he was hogging the ball because he is a selfish rich kid. He would say the reason why people don't hang around with him was because of the rich kid. The poor guy even started to say that he wanted the guys girlfriend, and that the guy was poison to the girl and that he would have gotten the girl if he had money like this guy. I know the girl and she isn't that superficial. She is actually more successful than the rich guy currently, so it definitely isn't about money. It got so ridiculous, I finally just confronted him sharply (because he wouldn't listen to reason) and told him that not every little problem he had was attributed to this guy. He told me to F#@$@ Off. He has poisoned his mind so much now, I rarely talk to the guy anymore. He is a "fundie" now, and all that caustic attitude has transferred over to anyone who doesn't think and do what he views as "Christian". Mind you, I am Christian, but "Fundie"'s really attract an elite group of people, don't you think.

Anyways, that was a long rant. I would suggest -- Figure out if you truly don't have an attitude problem, I would spend time really evaluting why you had to get such a big house and have such nice cars and material things, and I mean really think about it. But if you don't have a problem with trying to show off to people, I would suggest cutting those guys off because it will only get worse (even if you don't hear it straight to your face).

 

[Pacemaker]

I think people have lost a lot of the pride we used to have in this country. People used to look up to people who made money and think, "I could do that." Now it seams people would rather be bitter that the money didn't fall in their laps.

You are not what I would call "rich" but you are in the upper class and as such people who make less then that tend to think you are one of the people in this country who have money to burn, and because of this they think you should be giving them money or telling them "how you did it" (which is a crock anyway cause if you say hard work they will probably laugh because <sarcasm> everyone knows everyone who has money got it through absolutely no work </sarcasm>)

Anyway try not to let it effect you. Some people are just that way. Everyone makes choices that effect whether or not they will be successful. That is not to say that everyone can or will become a millionare or even make as much as you and your wife, but everyone can get to a level where they can live comfortably if they are willing to do the things needed to get there.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: Pacemaker
I think people have lost a lot of the pride we used to have in this country. People used to look up to people who made money and think, "I could do that." Now it seams people would rather be bitter that the money didn't fall in their laps.

You are not what I would call "rich" but you are in the upper class and as such people who make less then that tend to think you are one of the people in this country who have money to burn, and because of this they think you should be giving them money or telling them "how you did it" (which is a crock anyway cause if you say hard work they will probably laugh because <sarcasm> everyone knows everyone who has money got it through absolutely no work </sarcasm>)

Anyway try not to let it effect you. Some people are just that way. Everyone makes choices that effect whether or not they will be successful. That is not to say that everyone can or will become a millionare or even make as much as you and your wife, but everyone can get to a level where they can live comfortably if they are willing to do the things needed to get there.

Best respnse so far. Except I would add, they really aren't friends if they act that way.

 

[torpid]

Nothing seems unusual to me except a 5400 sq foot house. That is a very large house even for your income level. I am guessing that is what generates most of the gossip and comments. I am also of the "bigger is better" mindset, but I have spoken to several people who seem to judge people with large houses, call it showing off, etc because they are of the mindset that people dont' need big places.

 

[pinion9]

Originally posted by: DaShen
Anyways, that was a long rant. I would suggest -- Figure out if you truly don't have an attitude problem, I would spend time really evaluting why you had to get such a big house and have such nice cars and material things, and I mean really think about it. But if you don't have a problem with trying to show off to people, I would suggest cutting those guys off because it will only get worse (even if you don't hear it straight to your face).

Good advice. I don't think we have an attitude problem. We have such a big house because we budget (thanks to my wife. She is awesome when it comes to that stuff.) and because we really love being at home. We don't really have nice vehicles. We have a new minivan and two older vehicles. But maybe people see a new vehicle as a new vehicle regardless of its function...

I liked the other response and fully intend to have nice get togethers at our house. BBQs, kids invited, that type of thing. I don't want to horde what we have; don't want to be a recluse. Don't want to be Scrooge. I just wish people would understand that different income levels shouldn't separate people.

 

[burntfish]

you're gonna get that attitude from people no matter how much you make. there will always be someone under you looking for a free handout. don't let it worry you too much.

 

[pinion9]

Originally posted by: torpid
Nothing seems unusual to me except a 5400 sq foot house. That is a very large house even for your income level. I am guessing that is what generates most of the gossip and comments. I am also of the "bigger is better" mindset, but I have spoken to several people who seem to judge people with large houses, call it showing off, etc because they are of the mindset that people dont' need big places.

1. The house is about 4500 sq. ft. with a 1000 sq. ft. garage. Still large, yes, but...

2. We are doing a lot of the work and have spent a lot of time on it. We are doing the plumbing, electrical, roofing, siding, flooring, and spent a long time clearing for it. We also are the general contractor for it.

3. It isn't traditional stick frame. It is from pacific-homes. We sent them our plans, they sent us the building materials from Canada. This lowers cost significantly then going to your local home depot and trying to get all your crap.

4. The house should cost around $400K to build, which is not large for our income level when an average house in Fairbanks, AK costs $250k.

5. We love staying at home. That is our hobby. I like watching movies, hanging with the kids (ages 3 and 0), playing games, doing yardwork, cooking, etc. We also want to start having Thanksgiving and Christmas at our house with both of our families.

6. We don't NEED a big place, but it is our hobby! And we plan on living in the house for at least 20 years. Why not build it right the first time? Other people spend hundreds a month on car payments, dinner, and alcohol, etc. We use that money towards our house.

 

[torpid]

Those are all good points, and like I said I love huge homes. There is just something very satisfying about open space. I currently rent and am trying to decide between a small place close to work and a big place in the outskirts. Often when I mention this I am taken aback by the negativity people have towards big places. Their reasoning is almost elitist itself. "You don't need a big space. You need a small one" or similar. I was just suggesting that maybe that same reaction is a large part of what you are experiencing. I don't agree with it but I have noticed it even in casual conversations about homes.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: pinion9

Originally posted by: DaShen
Anyways, that was a long rant. I would suggest -- Figure out if you truly don't have an attitude problem, I would spend time really evaluting why you had to get such a big house and have such nice cars and material things, and I mean really think about it. But if you don't have a problem with trying to show off to people, I would suggest cutting those guys off because it will only get worse (even if you don't hear it straight to your face).

Good advice. I don't think we have an attitude problem. We have such a big house because we budget (thanks to my wife. She is awesome when it comes to that stuff.) and because we really love being at home. We don't really have nice vehicles. We have a new minivan and two older vehicles. But maybe people see a new vehicle as a new vehicle regardless of its function...

I liked the other response and fully intend to have nice get togethers at our house. BBQs, kids invited, that type of thing. I don't want to horde what we have; don't want to be a recluse. Don't want to be Scrooge. I just wish people would understand that different income levels shouldn't separate people.

I agree, but the jealous types that seem to make snide remarks need to go because they are probably holding a lot of jealousy back. I would suggest really thinking about it for a little while. Sometimes, it is a subconscious thing we do.

House warming parties are always fun.

 

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: pinion9

Originally posted by: torpid
Nothing seems unusual to me except a 5400 sq foot house. That is a very large house even for your income level. I am guessing that is what generates most of the gossip and comments. I am also of the "bigger is better" mindset, but I have spoken to several people who seem to judge people with large houses, call it showing off, etc because they are of the mindset that people dont' need big places.

1. The house is about 4500 sq. ft. with a 1000 sq. ft. garage. Still large, yes, but...

2. We are doing a lot of the work and have spent a lot of time on it. We are doing the plumbing, electrical, roofing, siding, flooring, and spent a long time clearing for it. We also are the general contractor for it.

3. It isn't traditional stick frame. It is from pacific-homes. We sent them our plans, they sent us the building materials from Canada. This lowers cost significantly then going to your local home depot and trying to get all your crap.

4. The house should cost around $400K to build, which is not large for our income level when an average house in Fairbanks, AK costs $250k.

5. We love staying at home. That is our hobby. I like watching movies, hanging with the kids (ages 3 and 0), playing games, doing yardwork, cooking, etc. We also want to start having Thanksgiving and Christmas at our house with both of our families.

6. We don't NEED a big place, but it is our hobby! And we plan on living in the house for at least 20 years. Why not build it right the first time? Other people spend hundreds a month on car payments, dinner, and alcohol, etc. We use that money towards our house.

good for you then.

 

[DougK62]

Nothing you can do - people will always be jealous of your wealth.

 

[z42]

Originally posted by: DougK62
Nothing you can do - people will always be jealous of your wealth.

Very true.

You will also get this reaction when you build a massive house. I'm sorry if you think 5400 sq ft is "normal" or "reasonable", but it isn't. It is massive. There is nothing wrong with you enjoying the house that you have worked for, and people's jealousy is their problem and not yours, but I wonder why you are surprised when you're building a house that big. I don't know if you two have a bunch of kids, but it's the equivalent of buying a Ferrari and then wondering why your buddy with a kia feels uncomfortable.

 

[shortylickens]

Originally posted by: z42

Originally posted by: DougK62
Nothing you can do - people will always be jealous of your wealth.

Very true.

You will also get this reaction when you build a massive house. I'm sorry if you think 5400 sq ft is "normal" or "reasonable", but it isn't. It is massive. There is nothing wrong with you enjoying the house that you have worked for, and people's jealousy is their problem and not yours, but I wonder why you are surprised when you're building a house that big. I don't know if you two have a bunch of kids, but it's the equivalent of buying a Ferrari and then wondering why your buddy with a kia feels uncomfortable.

Thats a good point.
I met a fellow with a Ferarri once. He was pleasant and interesting and down to earth.
Never made anyone feel cheap or second rate. Decent guy.
But for some reason I just felt weird around him. If I'd met and chatted with the guy before knowing how much money he had I think we could have been friends.

(When I say he had a Ferrari I meant he bought it outright. He bought a new sports car every 2 or 3 years. THAT kind of wealth.)