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Problems with a very good friend of mine.

XZeroII

XZeroII

Lifer
My best friend throughout middle school and high school has gotten himself into some deep trouble. It's been 2 years now since HS and we started to drift apart, but we still highly respect each other and are good friends. I heard rumors that he started getting into drugs and whatnot, but I kinda pushed it away because I couldn't stand to think that he would get into that crap. Now, I heard from another friend that my friend went about 20 miles away (to the bad city), to buy some drugs for his girlfriend. he never came back and it's been about 4-5 days now. his g/f went looking for him and she has not come back either.
That's the story, now...

My plan is that when/if I ever see him again, I plan to beat him up and drag his butt to the nearest rehab. I'm just venting here, but I would appreciate it if someone would identify with this story and tell me that it will all work out and things will get better because they've seen it happen. But any advice would be welcome too.
 


<< My best friend throughout middle school and high school has gotten himself into some deep trouble. It's been 2 years now since HS and we started to drift apart, but we still highly respect each other and are good friends. I heard rumors that he started getting into drugs and whatnot, but I kinda pushed it away because I couldn't stand to think that he would get into that crap. Now, I heard from another friend that my friend went about 20 miles away (to the bad city), to buy some drugs for his girlfriend. he never came back and it's been about 4-5 days now. his g/f went looking for him and she has not come back either.
That's the story, now...

My plan is that when/if I ever see him again, I plan to beat him up and drag his butt to the nearest rehab. I'm just venting here, but I would appreciate it if someone would identify with this story and tell me that it will all work out and things will get better because they've seen it happen. But any advice would be welcome too. >>




I don't think you've ever worked with drug addicts... Dragging their arse off will do nothing. In order for them to change, they have to want to change and they need to take action to improve their lives. If you want to help, provide some meaning in their lives and support them. Force solves nothing, it simply creates more problems.

If you care for this person, then get involved but don't be silly and try to think you're superhuman by trying to save him. Be his friend, I think that the only thing one can be to another. The hard part is figuring out what that means.

I have seen this happen and the results really depend on the people who got involved. With support and care, people pulled through. With enough determination, people have pulled through. Then I see some who go back to rehab for 2, 3, more times. It depends on your friend. There are very few, if any, guarantees in life.

I would get the cops involved because your words tell me you don't know exactly what being addicted means and this chap needs help. Can't change him though, but you can guide.

Cheers ! 🙂
 


<< My plan is that when/if I ever see him again, I plan to beat him up and drag his butt to the nearest rehab. >>



Translation: You're out of your league, and don't understand. However, I respect your concern for your friend.

Rehab isn't the solution for 75% of the users out there. Why? Because if he goes to rehab, he'll have more drug exposure there than he would as he is now.
I've seen horrible situations where parents throw their child into rehab for marijuana, and they come out with a lot more experience for substances under their belt. I don't care what information you throw at me trying to disprove this, I know.


Second, if you want to alienate this friend forever than so be it.
You need to know what kind of drugs he uses on a recreational basis. How intelligent is your friend? I grew up with many friends using drugs casually. Currently the top student at my school (a very good friend) is a casual user of a number of things (nothing "hard"). Because he's an intelligent person, it hasn't gotten in the way of his Unversity acceptance, scholarships, student awards, or the praise of the faculty.

Its the person, not the substance.

If you're friend is into chemicals, you need to do something. These situations are extremely hard, and if this friend has any intelligence, he's understood the pros and cons of the situations, obviously disregarding them or seeing them as something of little seriousness.

The most important thing here is to understand WHAT he is doing, and WHY if you can.
Be sure to mention the drug he's using, and try to get a firm understanding of it here. This site will allow you to understand the addiction factor, health risks, reasons for use, ect. The site is a very informative, and legit resource.
 
Unfortunately things working out well in the long run for people who become addicted to crack, heroin, crank, ect.... is the exception and not the rule In my experience 🙁 Your attempt at an intervention will do little if any good IMHO. I tried repeadtedly to help a relative who's an alcoholic only to watch them spiral down out of control over and over 🙁 In my experience, the people I've known with such dependency problems end up dead or in prison, this can take months or years to happen. It takes an incredibly strong willed person to embrace life again once they've fallen so far.
 


<< I would get the cops involved because your words tell me you don't know exactly what being addicted means and this chap needs help. >>



Oh man.. I can't believe you said that linuxboy! That is the last option you should consider considering. If you think drugs will destroy his future, so will having a criminal record and some jail time. If you feel he should contact the police with regards to him being missing, I can understand that. A missing person is a serious thing.

 
Phuz

I agree with most of what you said except that I don't think he should get involved period unless he knows what he's doing. Reading up on drugs is not the same as knowing why people do what they do and recognizing stages in an addict's ride. A crash course with no experience on dealing with addicts is like playing God with another human being as a wrong move may entail disastrous consequences. There may be mental instability, and I'm concerned about sending off someone who wants to drag an addict off to rehab to help. It just won't work. Sending the person to rehab also is almost futile in cases like these UNLESS it is voluntary and has the right amount of support, like you said.

Get some help for this one XZeroII, there are people out there who are better equipped and better trained to handle this. Meanwhile, be a friend.


Cheers ! 🙂
 
If you feel he should contact the police with regards to him being missing, I can understand that.

That's exactly what I meant- that's their job and it's good to have help looking. Sorry for the ambiguity. The last thing that this guy needs is a record. But this chap (XZero) sounded like he was going out rambo-style and haul his friend's arse off to rehab. I don't think that's a good solution.


Cheers ! 🙂
 


<< It just won't work. Sending the person to rehab also is almost futile in cases like these UNLESS it is voluntary and has the right amount of support, like you said.

Get some help for this one XZeroII, there are people out there who are better equipped and better trained to handle this. Meanwhile, be a friend. >>



Precisely. You are very right that he shouldn't deal with by himself, if at all.
Be a friend and try to show you care. DO NOT go on telling him that you think drugs are this that and the other thing and how he's throwing his life away, though.


 
Thanks. This is a pretty intelligent guy (or he used to be). I was pretty much ranting when I said about beating him up, but now I know for sure not to be harsh. When I see him again, I'll probably have to spend some time getting him to admit it. Him and I share a real understanding and he never said anything to me because he just doesn't want me to think less of him. I think he will listen when I talk to him, but this is alot more than I know how to handle. From what I can tell, you have to change your entire lifestyle as well and I think that will be the hardest.
 
he never said anything to me because he just doesn't want me to think less of him.

Esteem in these cases is HUGE, just like it is in rape cases. You've hit on a major factor in dealing with addiction.

looks like you have a solution, XZero. Be a friend.

And Phuz, a tip of the 'ole hat to you, it sounds like you speak from experience with helping people. 🙂

Cheers ! 🙂
 
I take it that we are not talking about some guy smoking pot?
I take it he was on an addictive drug like coke or heroin?
 
I actually think from what Phuz posted that he has some experience with substance abuse (I appologize if I've misinterpreted) and has gained wisdom from that episode of his life.
 
Well, I never was, nor did I know anyone, who was a serious drug addict so I wouldn't know what advice to give you. I just wanted to wish your friend well and I hope that he recovers.
 
I have a story and can relate, but you're not going to like it... so I'll leave a few lines blank so you can stop reading.






One of my really good friends from middle and high school got pretty deep into drugs. It started with the both of us casually experimenting with some pot. We'd get back from school and hit a bowl or two over the course of the day before our parents got home. It moved from there when we tried some LSD one night, and we had such a good time from that point on he'd constantly be trying to up the bar. He would mix drugs, take larger and larger quantities of them, and do some of the craziest things. He would come over with "mystery bags" that he wanted me to snort with him. I had no idea what was in there and refused, but he would snort it just based on the fact that his dealer said it would mess him up. He introduced me to a few other drugs... extasy and shrooms also. I finally decided I had had enough when he produced a small ziplock bag with coke in it. We still hung out a lot but I had to stop playing with drugs.

Lets call my friend J, because that's easier than typing out "my friend"

J was never really good in school. He had small odd jobs to pick up some money on the side, and I think he was dealing a bit too. Once I went off to college we spoke very little, as he didn't have a computer and was always out when I called. When I came back for breaks he was very difficult to get in contact with. Finally one time I got to see him... I was in Old Ellicott City in MD and happened to see him walking down the street. Well at least, what I thought was him. He had slimmed down to almost nothing. His arms were just barely bigger than the bone underneath the skin and he couldn't have been much more than 100 pounds heavy. That's really bad considering he is 6'3. All along his arm were track marks from the heroin he'd been shooting, and random burns and marks from things I don't even know what. When I talked to him it was very difficult not to walk away. J had been kicked out of his house for drug use and moved into a shack with a bunch of his friends. Their lives revolved around whatever drug they were trying to get or do that night, and maybe if it had been a few days some food. I was absolutely mortified when I saw him, and I'm sure his memory is so fuzzy he doesn't remember meeting me that night. He was on a bunch of things when I saw him and was almost completely out of it. He asked me for some money for some food and I offered to take him to mcdonalds and buy him dinner, but I wasn't going to give him cash straight up. He gave a lame excuse about not having time and we parted ways.

That was the last I saw or heard from J for about 10 months. Just recently I heard from my friends still in MD that he started living with a dealer and decided that it would be a good idea to clean out the safe while the dealer was out at the store. Apparently J walked away with about $15,000 and a lot of drugs. He ran to another town with 2 other people and has been shacked up there since then. The dealer isn't happy at all, and has people constantly on the lookout for J. Fortunately for J, all they know is the city, not the house number. There is a $5000 hit out on his head 🙁

Try your best to get through to your friend. If you have to drag family/friends/cops or whatever into it, don't let himkeep going. If the drug use is endangering his life and is truely starting to affect him, get him some help. Don't let your friend spiral downward like mine did. I'll tell you, seeing someone you've known for years for the first time after they've fallen to heavy drug use is something you don't want to ever see. Seeing J with track marks, very skinny, barely able to focus on reality and even barely able to keep standing up is an image that I'll always have with me. 🙁
 
Thank you linuxboy, that means a lot coming from a person of your intelligence.



<< I actually think from what Phuz posted that he has some experience with substance abuse (I appologize if I've misinterpreted) and has gained wisdom from that episode of his life. >>



Not myself. Not with anything of any seriousness, at least.
I've been there for many a friend, and observed these situations and dozens like them first hand.
I'd like to think I have a good understanding of the emotions involved the difficulties that both sides have to face.

Good luck.
 
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