Post your Jokes HERE!

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

Post your Jokes here!

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to New York.
While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield
enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to New
York
with me but he was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced
myself.
I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business
and
how I would really appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Mark"
at
me when I was with my client.
He was amused at my presumption, but he agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on

my shoulder.
It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said, "Hi Mark, what's happening?"

To which I replied "F*ck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Oh my god.. I was OTFLMAO when my friend send me this!

KotchY · Dec 17, 2000

DID'NT MAKE ME LAUGH :disgust:

narzy · Dec 17, 2000

hehe...

narzy · Dec 17, 2000

welp here is mine

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in adual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. Herecently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

marketsons1985 · Dec 17, 2000

This was posted on the boards a while ago, went somethin like this

<< A woman walks into a bank, and asks for a 5,000 dollar loan. The banker asks for collateral. She hands him the keys to her Rolls Royce. The banker is going out of her mind, for this woman just gave collateral which is worth nearly 200,000 dollars for a 5,000 loan. She takes the car, and parks it in the bank parking lot, safe from anyone.

The woman comes back in 2 weeks, with the 5,000 and the interest, which was something like $ 15.64. The bank woman, in awe, states, "So, tell me miss, why did you need the 5,000 dollars for just 2 weeks?" The woman smiles, and says quietly, "I went on a vacation for 2 weeks, where else in New York City could i park my Rolls for 2 weeks, safely, for just $15.64?" >>

LOL

apoppin · Dec 17, 2000

Well here is a current political story:

Bill Clinton was observed last week in the Oval Room with panty hose hanging on his arm. Everyone was too embarassed to say anything until his secretary finally appraoched him. She said, "Mr. President, we don't care how you live your personal life, but you shouldn't flaunt your extra-marital relationships."

He replied, "Oh this panty hose is a patch. I'm trying to quit."

urbantechie · Dec 17, 2000

Bill Gates dies. God gives him a choice for going to Heaven or Hell. He goes to heaven first and sees the normal thing. Clouds, peace you know. Then he goes to hell and he sees all these naked women running around on a beach waiting for a man. He of course chooses hell. Two weeks later god goes and vists him and sees him getting whiped, sweating..abused. Bill screams, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!! This isn't like what I saw when I first looked at it. And god says, "Oh, that was just a screensaver

"

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

LOL urbantechie. I've heard of this one before, but at the end, God says "That was a Demo".

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

Hmm.. this sounds the same.

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe

in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light.Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the
hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister

Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will
get
rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them
on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I
filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.Dracula screams as the
water
burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now

what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now
you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!

urbantechie · Dec 17, 2000

LOL SSP. The last part is funny!!

narzy · Dec 17, 2000

I couldn't resist

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

LOL! Good one narzy.

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

Found a new one. Gotta love Ilovebacon.com

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bag of shredded lettuce

1 can of beans

1 gallon of milk

1 loaf of bread

1 pound of ham

The checkout guy says, "You're single, right?"

The woman says, "How did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

narzy · Dec 17, 2000

just remembered this one

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

narzy · Dec 17, 2000

and another,

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great. However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor. It read:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah Lord."
6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The Boys".
7. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick the sh*t out of him."
8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook".
9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".
10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter?s. There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy?s.

just found this one LMFAO!

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

6. . Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The Boys".

LMAO!

kami · Dec 17, 2000

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she sh!ts on you!"

---

Superbowl Tickets

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from
his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is
closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty
seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides
to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob
again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl
and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married
in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

SSP · Dec 17, 2000

ilove bacon again (sorry if this offends you):

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

urbantechie · Dec 18, 2000

LOL Kami. The first one was funny as hell!

Elita1 · Dec 18, 2000

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their
life. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide
back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that
in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo momma".

Cable God · Dec 18, 2000

hahahaha, good one

Frenchie · Dec 18, 2000

Joke thread

More jokage

Yep, more jokes.

Optimus · Dec 18, 2000

2 Weeks before Christmas, little Billy was sitting at dinner with his parents. His mom asked him what he wanted for Christmas this year. Billy thought about it for a bit and said: "A baby brother".

Well, mom and dad looked at each other and mom said "A baby brother? Don't you think thats a bit of a rush job, son?"

"Well" said Billy, "Why not do what dad does at the factory when there is a rush...

put more men on the job!"

harpomx · Dec 18, 2000

A man and his son are sitting on the front porch, when the son asks his Dad, "What's the difference between theoretically and realistically?"
The father says, "Follow me, son, and I'll show you."

The two of them go into the living room, where the mother is watching TV. The father asks the mother, "Honey, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?" She says "Of course!"

The father and son then go the kitchen, where the daughter is doing the dishes. The father asks his daughter, "Would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?" She replies "Of course!"

The father and son go back out to the front step. The son asks, "How did that show me the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

The father answers, "Well, son, theoretically, we're sitting on 2 million dollars. Realistically, we're living with a couple of wh0res."

TravisBickle · Dec 18, 2000

A man walks into a public bar and the proprietor's dog is on the floor licking his balls.
"I wish I could do that" says the man.
"Well throw him a biscuit and he will let you" replies the proprietor.

Post your Jokes HERE!

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