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Dilbert Newsletter 46.0
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Dilbert Newsletter 46.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: February 2002
DNRC Status
-----------
There are 659,000 members of DNRC. Each of you is capable of
emitting a blinding surge of mental energy that can stun small
mammals. If you don't believe me, go to your nearest public park
and grimace at the squirrels. I guarantee they'll be speechless.
[Because children read this newsletter I have omitted a fine pun
that involves the squirrels clutching their favorite type of food
and keeling over.]
Death by Marketing
------------------
Did you ever wonder why fuel-efficient cars are always designed to
look like lunch boxes or deodorant cans? I'm no expert on car
design, but it seems to me that an attractive "shape" wouldn't cost
a manufacturer extra. So why are all the cars that are friendly to
the environment practically bristling with the subliminal message
"DORK ON BOARD"?
Answer: Marketing!
Carmakers want to discourage people from buying cars that have high
gas mileage and low profit margins. If you're foolish enough to
cross them and buy a planet-saver anyway, automakers are going to
exact some revenge by making sure you have no chance whatsoever of
procreating.
Normally I would applaud the spunky -- dare I say Dogbertian? --
attitude of the world's carmakers. But these aren't normal times.
There's a school of thought that if we use less fuel, we'll be
safer from terrorist threats.
I'm not convinced that oil is the problem. I'm pretty sure we could
fly over the Middle East and drop bags of money and they'd still
want to kill us for blocking the view. But I digress.
The point is that carmakers could easily make a fuel-efficient
hybrid car that looks great and doesn't cost more to manufacture
than an ugly one. However, thanks to marketing, that ain't gonna
happen.
And so, as I have often predicted, marketing will be the death of
us all. Our only hope is that our pollution kills the terrorists.
Signs of Induhvidualism
------------------------
Here are some Induhvidual sign sightings sent in by observant DNRC
members.
--
Sign in front of a motel in Carson City, NV:
STOP! WE BEAT EVERYBODY!
--
On an auto dealership's marquee in Southern California, home of the
Angels baseball team:
Go Angles!
(Or maybe they support geometry.)
--
On the sign for a U-Haul truck rental center in Brooklyn, two lines
of text:
PRICES YOU CAN AFFORD
WON'T BE BEAT
--
Sign over the office drinking fountain:
"Do not pour anything into the
fountain. It blocks the water
filter and reduces the water
pressure."
It was on the Engineering floor and -- God help us -- we make
helicopters.
--
When I was out in L.A. last year there was a furor on the local
radio station regarding a problem with the lighted neon sign at a
nearby Black Angus restaurant. Apparently the "g" had burned out.
Will Dilbert Get Lucky?
-----------------------
In a prior Newsletter, I said that Dilbert would "get lucky" if my
Weasel book became a New York Times Best Seller. Sales immediately
plummeted, in what will someday be hailed as the worst idea of the
century. Some people objected to the idea on moral grounds. Most
readers objected on the grounds that they didn't want the most
famous loser in history to have better romantic luck than they
have. I can understand that: If Dilbert is doing better than you
are, that's gotta sting.
So I hereby take back the offer. Dilbert will remain as unsatisfied
as you.
Quotes From Induhviduals
-------------------------
These true quotes were submitted by vigilant DNRC members.
--
"Hearing something like that really raises the shackles on my
neck."
"The design team will do everything necessary to exacerbate the
situation."
"This guy is trying to pull the wool over the donkey's ass, and
that is not where the wool goes."
"We've got to dig our way out of this puppy."
"Well, color me a moron!"
"Works like a baby."
"I found that the faster we worked, the more our
productivity increased."
"I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the
page."
"Don't buy antique furniture - it never lasts."
"That guy's the sharpest grape on the bunch!"
"He talks like a man with a paper ass."
"They should be beaten at the stake."
I said to her, "You're crazy." She replied, "Yeah, crazy like a
rock!"
"I'm so angry I could eat a horse."
"You've made your bed, now you have to eat it too!"
She said she would "go over it tooth and nail" looking for
mistakes.
Tip for Lazy Students
---------------------
The perfect book for lazy students is my non-Dilbert book, "God's
Debris." This tiny book takes only 90 minutes to read, and it's
packed full of ideas that will make you sound smart without even
trying. It weighs a mere 9.1 ounces, so it's perfect for backpacks.
God's Debris is most appropriate for classes in philosophy,
critical thinking, logic, literature or religion. It can also be
used as a puck for gym classes, or a pillow for math classes. So if
you have an optional reading assignment, click here:
<
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721909/newsletter1-20>
Another good choice for lazy students is my book, "Dilbert and the
Way of the Weasel." Although it's over 300 pages, and weighs more
than a pound, you don't need to read the whole book in order to
bluff your way through a book report. Just mention the overarching
theme that people are weasels and say, "For example," then
paraphrase any bit from any paragraph in the book. You'll need to
add your own smart-sounding analysis about selfish behavior. (See
my discussion of fuel-efficient cars above.) Throw in a few
thoughts about how television has caused the decay of civilization
and you're on your way to an A+.
<
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060518057/newsletter1-20>
Induhvidual Tales
----------------------
A manager was viewing the weekly statistical report for several
ongoing projects. She determined the report was in error because
the numbers changed from week to week. Total costs and revenue
seemed to be going up over time.
--
Recently a co-worker told another co-worker, "Man, you are a few
sandwiches short of a picnic."
She replied, "WHAT?!?! Are you saying I'm FAT?!"
--
After the wedding reception, my husband and I headed for the hotel,
still clad in our wedding clothes. Coincidentally, the desk clerk
was an old friend from high school who looked at me in my Victorian
wedding gown and veil, accompanied by a man in a tuxedo, and asked,
"So, what have you been up to?"
--
At coffee time on the construction site one Monday morning, another
worker asked me what I did on the weekend. I told him that my
union, The International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, helped
sponsor the MS Society. We had a booth at the mall selling raffle
tickets as a fundraiser.
He asked me what MS is. I explained it stands for multiple
sclerosis. He sat there with a confused look on his face for a few
seconds, and then said, "Is that true? Are there really people with
more than one scrotum?"
--
At the office holiday luncheon, our group of about 50 people played
a variety of games. At one point, four people tied for first place.
The Induhviduals in charge needed to come up with a tiebreaker.
"OK," one said, "Everyone think of a number. Whoever gets closest
to 75 will win."
Always the clown, I shouted, "Seventy-four! Doh!"
--
At the phone company where I work, a customer called in one day to
correct his listing because he noticed it was misspelled in the
phone book. It was corrected for him. The next day he called and
complained because when he woke up, he looked in the same phone
book and it wasn't yet corrected.
[Editor's note: Yeah, I don't believe it happened either. But
wouldn't it be funny if it did?]
--
I am the director of business development. Our president has the
habit of walking throughout our facility periodically peeking into
our offices. One day he came in to my office very excited and
exclaimed, "I have a plan. We're going to double our business
revenues in two years!"
I replied, "That's great, what's the plan?"
He looked at me with a combination of sadness and confusion, then
turned and walked away muttering, "You just don't get it."
--
I worked for a man who weighed about 10 pounds and looked like
Skeletor(R) from "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe(R)."
Each morning Skeletor(R) would shave his head AT HIS DESK while
screaming "WRONG" at every answer he received from his staff.
Skeletor(R) (and don't think that we didn't have the action figures
hidden in our desks) also wrote everything with a dull pencil on
colored stationery. He would beckon a staff member to his office
and make him or her stand at the right-hand corner of his desk
while he wrote a memo that he needed typed immediately. Upon
completion, the illegibly scrawled note would be shoved to the
corner of the desk where we were forced to stand and he would say,
"I need it NOW." Upon returning to my desk, I would sit down and
promptly hear him call me back to his desk using a
less-than-flattering nickname and repeat this process. Upon
returning to my desk (again), I would hear him scream, "Where's
that memo you were supposed to be typing?" as if I hadn't just
spent the entire 15 minutes at the corner of his desk waiting for
him to write the second memo.
And I was the human resources manager. Each of his secretaries
quit within days of being hired. Temps usually lasted until lunch.
--
I'm in a class called Advanced Physical Science, the highest level
of science for freshmen at my school. After we finished discussing
gravity, one of my fellow geniuses asked, "Is the reason the world
is round because people are pulling on the world from all sides,
because we all have a gravitational pull?"
--
Last March I was (un)fortunate enough to spend two weeks on a U.S.
Navy ship involved in a NATO exercise in the Baltic Sea. We were
scheduled to put into a port in Gdansk at the end of the exercise.
One day, while I was in the ship's gym, a young seaman, who was
riding a stationary bike and writing a letter, paused and asked me,
"Is Poland one word or two?"
I replied, "It's actually three. North Pole Land, South Pole Land,
and regular Pole Land."
--
My wife, wishing to convey her appreciation for exceptional service
by one of her employees, said, "Employees like you are a dime a
dozen."
--
When I arrived at my new company, my new boss said that it had been
touch-and-go whether the company was going to confirm my
appointment. He showed me the glowing reference my old boss had
given. It was great, apart from one of the opening lines where he
misspelled conscientious as "contentious."
Oh, how I laughed (not).
--
Our company Intranet lists all employees and their titles. The
field size for titles is limited, so some had to be abbreviated.
An Assistant Manager wasn't amused when I asked him what an Ass
Manager was responsible for.
--
Sadly, I must inform on my wife. While discussing the U.S. Postal
Service and how they operate constantly in the red, she claimed it
must be due to bad management because those little stamps are 37
cents for just a piece of paper - and that's almost 100% profit
right there.
--
The water department has destroyed the street where I live to
install new water mains. Last week, a worker was going door-to-door
telling us that our water service could be interrupted. One of my
neighbors made this inquiry: "I see. Do you think that will be the
hot water or the cold water?"
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite to
answer myself.
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
My name is Ted. One of my co-workers showed me the Dilbert strip
from Dec. 2, where the mystery weasel was looking for Ted to lay
him off. Two minutes later, a manager I didn't know popped into my
cube and laid me off.
I assume that either you are a prophet and predicted my layoff, or
you influenced management by using my name. Just in case it's the
latter, how about having Ted get a high-paying, low-work job?
Ted
Dear Ted,
Thank you for your letter... wait, hold on, Mr. Adams is whispering
something to me. Oh. Umm... he says I don't need to finish this
letter.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Technology, No Place for Wimps
------------------------------
Featuring Dilbert and his computer, this design is available on
clocks and caps.
<
http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=dilbert.56621>
Dilbert Gifts for Valentine's Day
------------------------------------
Send your Valentine a special message on a print or clothing:
<
http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/category.aspx?category=v_day&storeid=dilbert&t>
Valentine E-cards
-----------------
Send a free postcard or animated card:
<
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/e_greetings/index.html>
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter won't
bounce it back.
How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
------------------------------------------
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