Heard this one years ago when I was like 10 years old..... No clue why it stuck with me for 20+ years.
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A little boy received a brand new rideable train for his birthday. One day he was riding his little engine through the house while his Mom was in the kitchen making lunch. He made his way through the living room, into the dining room and stopped in the kitchen.
He honked the horn and shouted, "All you mother f*ckers who want on, get on and all you mother f*ckers who want off, get off!" And then he rode off again. Shocked, his Mom stood there puzzled. A moment later, the little boy appeared back in the kitchen. He honked the horn and shouted, "All you mother f*ckers who want on, get on and all you mother f*ckers who want off, get off!" Angry and frustrated, the Mother sent the little boy to his room saying, "You are not to say those nasty words again, think about what you've done."
Two hours went by and the little boy's Mom finally let him come out of his room. He went right to his new toy, got on and rode it through the living room, into the dining room and stopped in the kitchen. His Mom looked down at him and paused....
He honked the horn and shouted, "All you nice people who want on, get on and all you nice people who want off, get off...... but you better hurry, cuz' the B*TCH in the kitchen made us 2 hours late!"
----------------------------------
A little boy received a brand new rideable train for his birthday. One day he was riding his little engine through the house while his Mom was in the kitchen making lunch. He made his way through the living room, into the dining room and stopped in the kitchen.
He honked the horn and shouted, "All you mother f*ckers who want on, get on and all you mother f*ckers who want off, get off!" And then he rode off again. Shocked, his Mom stood there puzzled. A moment later, the little boy appeared back in the kitchen. He honked the horn and shouted, "All you mother f*ckers who want on, get on and all you mother f*ckers who want off, get off!" Angry and frustrated, the Mother sent the little boy to his room saying, "You are not to say those nasty words again, think about what you've done."
Two hours went by and the little boy's Mom finally let him come out of his room. He went right to his new toy, got on and rode it through the living room, into the dining room and stopped in the kitchen. His Mom looked down at him and paused....
He honked the horn and shouted, "All you nice people who want on, get on and all you nice people who want off, get off...... but you better hurry, cuz' the B*TCH in the kitchen made us 2 hours late!"
Q.Why couldn't the pirate go see the movie?
A. Because it was rated ARRR!!!
Two pirates walk into a tavern. One says "AAAARRRR!!!!!!". The other says "Hey, that's what I was going to say!".
Q. How did the pirate know he was going to be attacked?
A. He was watching Sea-span.
A. Because it was rated ARRR!!!
Two pirates walk into a tavern. One says "AAAARRRR!!!!!!". The other says "Hey, that's what I was going to say!".
Q. How did the pirate know he was going to be attacked?
A. He was watching Sea-span.
In Kiwiland
============
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All
the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? D'yer drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and yells, 'He's okay boys. He's one of us.'
============
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All
the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? D'yer drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and yells, 'He's okay boys. He's one of us.'
An elderly couple, who were both widowed,had been going out with each other
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally
time to discuss marriage. So they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would
like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses,
he casually asked,
"Is that one word or two?
for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally
time to discuss marriage. So they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would
like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses,
he casually asked,
"Is that one word or two?
Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before
her, the psychic delivered the bad news...
"There is no easy way to say this so I"ll be blunt. Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the
question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get
away with it?"
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before
her, the psychic delivered the bad news...
"There is no easy way to say this so I"ll be blunt. Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the
question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get
away with it?"
No offence to the Greek Members here..
Q. What is the motto of the Greek army?
A. Never leave your buddy's behind.
Q. What is the motto of the Greek army?
A. Never leave your buddy's behind.
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student
goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can
give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you
however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the
student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same
question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year
old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old
lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your
wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither
legal, nor logical."
goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can
give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you
however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the
student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same
question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year
old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old
lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your
wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither
legal, nor logical."
*Brace yourself, heard this one earlier this year at the Carlin show. ^_^
A little girl walks into the bathroom just as her dad is stepping out of the shower, she looks up at him and asks:
"daddy, when will I get a penis?"
the dad replies: "As soon as your mommy leaves for work sweetheart"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She is thrilled at the car's speed. "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?," he smirks.
"Yes!" says his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200 mph, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flips over. The naked girl is thrown clear, but he remains jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cries.
"But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he says, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl runs down the road and finds a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The mechanic -- looks at the shoe and says, "There's nothing I can do for you... he's in too deep!"
A little girl walks into the bathroom just as her dad is stepping out of the shower, she looks up at him and asks:
"daddy, when will I get a penis?"
the dad replies: "As soon as your mommy leaves for work sweetheart"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She is thrilled at the car's speed. "If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?," he smirks.
"Yes!" says his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200 mph, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skids onto some gravel and flips over. The naked girl is thrown clear, but he remains jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cries.
"But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe," he says, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl runs down the road and finds a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The mechanic -- looks at the shoe and says, "There's nothing I can do for you... he's in too deep!"
shortylickens
No Lifer
- Jul 15, 2003
- 80,287
- 17,081
- 136
Wellllll......
Since we're telling those kinds of jokes:
Whats the best thing about showering with a 12 year old girl?
If you slick her hair back, she looks like a 10 year old boy!!!!
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