eits
Lifer
you butchered the joke...
the joke goes:
mickey and minnie were in divorce court and the judge appeared confused. the judge asks, "so, wait... you want to divorce minnie because she was a little silly?"
mickey, flustered, answered, "no... i want to divorce minnie because she was fucking goofy!"
eits
Lifer
The Three Bells
A fireman returns home from work one evening and says to his wife:
Honey, from now on we are gonna start doing things on the bell system....like at the fire station.
Bell one....get naked
Bell two....be in bed
Bell three.....we'll be making passionate love
So....he yells "bell one!" They get naked "bell two"! They hop into bed. "bell three" making passionate love, when suddenly she yells "bell four!" Bell four???? Yes, bell four...more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!
A fireman returns home from work one evening and says to his wife:
Honey, from now on we are gonna start doing things on the bell system....like at the fire station.
Bell one....get naked
Bell two....be in bed
Bell three.....we'll be making passionate love
So....he yells "bell one!" They get naked "bell two"! They hop into bed. "bell three" making passionate love, when suddenly she yells "bell four!" Bell four???? Yes, bell four...more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
eits
Lifer
Originally posted by: CPA
Thanks for wasting 40 minutes of my life, you a-hole
you're an elite member and you've been here since 2001 and this is the first time you saw that thread/joke? where have you been?
walrus
Golden Member
- Dec 18, 2000
- 1,544
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A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was that all about?"
walrus
Golden Member
- Dec 18, 2000
- 1,544
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- 81
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender, being the observant sort, noticed right off that the pig had a wooden leg. He goes over to the man and asks about it.
The man says "For a beer I'll tell you all about this very special pig." The bartender figures it's got to be a good story and so gives the man a beer. The man starts "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. About a year ago my house caught on fire at night. This pig broke out of his pen, came into the house, dragged my two littlest children to safety, woke me and my wife and then guided us out of the house. This pig saved my life and my family's lives."
The bartender, impressed but still wondering about the leg, asks "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer I'll tell you about this very special pig." The bartender, hooked, gives him another beer. The man says "Out behind my house is a small lake. I was out sailing on it when the boat capsized. I cracked my head on the boom and couldn't swim. This pig broke out of his pen, swam out to me and dragged me to shore. He then went into the house and got my wife to come out. She gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. This pig saved my life."
The bartender, fascinated but getting a little impatient, asks "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer...." The bartender gives him another beer. The man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during a tornado I was on my way to the basement when I stepped onto a rake and knocked myself out. This pig broke out of his pen and dragged me into the basement. He saved my life."
The bartender, figuring this has got to be the last story, says, "Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, a tornado and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "Well sir, with a pig this special you don't eat it all at once."
The man says "For a beer I'll tell you all about this very special pig." The bartender figures it's got to be a good story and so gives the man a beer. The man starts "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. About a year ago my house caught on fire at night. This pig broke out of his pen, came into the house, dragged my two littlest children to safety, woke me and my wife and then guided us out of the house. This pig saved my life and my family's lives."
The bartender, impressed but still wondering about the leg, asks "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer I'll tell you about this very special pig." The bartender, hooked, gives him another beer. The man says "Out behind my house is a small lake. I was out sailing on it when the boat capsized. I cracked my head on the boom and couldn't swim. This pig broke out of his pen, swam out to me and dragged me to shore. He then went into the house and got my wife to come out. She gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. This pig saved my life."
The bartender, fascinated but getting a little impatient, asks "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"
The man says "For another beer...." The bartender gives him another beer. The man says "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during a tornado I was on my way to the basement when I stepped onto a rake and knocked myself out. This pig broke out of his pen and dragged me into the basement. He saved my life."
The bartender, figuring this has got to be the last story, says, "Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, a tornado and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"
The man says "Well sir, with a pig this special you don't eat it all at once."
walrus
Golden Member
- Dec 18, 2000
- 1,544
- 13
- 81
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."
walrus
Golden Member
- Dec 18, 2000
- 1,544
- 13
- 81
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a Traffic policeman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The officer answers, "You're in Texas son.
When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The officer answers, "You're in Texas son.
When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"
JM Aggie08
Diamond Member
- Jan 3, 2006
- 8,415
- 1,008
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