*POLL* YAGT (sort of) and semi-rant: is this guy an abusive boyfriend?

[Mo0o]

You have to agree with Angry that you might have stolen the GF had you been given the chance.

 

[Rainsford]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Trust is a crucial element in any relationship, and it is something "Angry" and (apparently) you do not seem to understand.

If some dude is messing in me and my girls business then I will tell him to butt out. And if he doesn't agree I'll make the point more apparent.

Trust is one thing, some dude messin with my girl is another. I'll let my SO do whatever she wants to do and talk to whoever she wants, but if I find out some guy is secretly undermining our relationship then I will tell them to knock it off. And if they get flippy with me like OP, then I may have to use more convincing methods.

I don't think I made my point quite clear. She is not "your girl", she is (presumably) an adult and can make her own decisions about who she talks to. You can feel threatened or undermined all you want, but the fact remains that it isn't your call. If you really have a problem with it, be a mature adult and talk if over with HER.

Now if she is doing nothing and some guy keeps bugging her, that is a different story. But the OP's situation sounds like the friendship was mutual, which means talking with your GF is generally your best bet. Making unilateral decisions about who can be her friend is controlling, you are making a decision for her, plain and simple.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
You have to agree with Angry that you might have stolen the GF had you been given the chance.

"Stolen"? No. "Taken after she dumped you"? Yes.

If she doesn't want to be with him and is going to break up with him it's not "stealing"; It's "she found someone better."

EDIT: Though my morals would make me pretty tense about it until she actually told him she's breaking up with him.

 

[Gurck]

Stay away from her, she sounds like a nutcase.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: yukichigai

Originally posted by: Mo0o
You have to agree with Angry that you might have stolen the GF had you been given the chance.

"Stolen"? No. "Taken after she dumped you"? Yes.

If she doesn't want to be with him and is going to break up with him it's not "stealing"; It's "she found someone better."

EDIT: Though my morals would make me pretty tense about it until she actually told him she's breaking up with him.

well see now that's the problem.

By her talking to you about any trouble they would be having (all couples have rough periods and one time or another) you are breaking them up. Its classic triangulation (counseling term) and you don't even realize you're doing it.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: spidey07
By her talking to you about any trouble they would be having (all couples have rough periods and one time or another) you are breaking them up. Its classic triangulation (counseling term) and you don't even realize you're doing it.

Exactly, because the phone call was the first I'd heard of it. You cannot fault me for going into a situation like this "knowing" things that aren't the facts. I decided to give her the benifit of the doubt and accept what she was telling me as fact. I'm not going to give every girl I date the third degree to make sure she's not using me as a Triangulation Enabler; if I did that I'd never get anywhere.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Call him back and tell him how you enjoyed banging his GF over and over again the last time you hooked up with her in Vegas.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Call him back and tell him how you enjoyed banging his GF over and over again the last time you hooked up with her in Vegas.

I think as far as he's concerned, I already did.

 

[FuZoR]

this has happened to me TWICE lol both similar

i gave my # to this girl (she asked for it) I was interested in week later i kept getting strange hangup calls(phone # blocked) finally the 4th or 5th he talked and kept asking who i was and why my # was in her cell phone (i had no idea what girl he was talking about).. then he kept saying the girls name... I go say wtf why dont you fing ask her yourself.. he kept going on about i dont want to see you with her blah blah...

*edit* oops didnt finish the story

so he was like trying to be tough and be threating and i was just playing it cool and was like calm down are you like some wacko ex hahaha... after he hung up. I called the girl to see if she was alright cause i was worried how the this idiot got her cellphone...

she told me it was her ex that stole her cellphone during a party she went too hahahah man what a wacko... we talked some more and that was the last time i spoke to her... meh she lived to far from me to really do anything with her so it didnt go anyhwere...

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: spidey07

I never really considered anything like that. But I am friends with England Girl, who as I mentioned has been friends with Vegas Girl for 10 years. I can't do anything myself -- nor should I -- but I can at least give England Girl a heads-up that something seems off. She'll likely be the one helping end the abusive relationship anyway, if it exists.

umm, you're meddling and in the process you are destroying their relationship...good job.

Umm, sounds like their relationship is pretty much destroyed already. I don't think the OP had anything to do with it though. Since Vegas Girl is IMing him and meeting up with other guys. Not much of a basis for a relationship if you ask me.

She is probably more trouble than she's worth.

I hate overbearing aggressive mouth breathers like Vegas Girl's BF. I'd probably just mess with him a bit and then let it go. If he showed up at my door I'd introduce him to Mr. Smith & Mr. Wesson and their 6 .44 magnum friends.

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: yukichigai

Originally posted by: Mo0o
You have to agree with Angry that you might have stolen the GF had you been given the chance.

"Stolen"? No. "Taken after she dumped you"? Yes.

If she doesn't want to be with him and is going to break up with him it's not "stealing"; It's "she found someone better."

EDIT: Though my morals would make me pretty tense about it until she actually told him she's breaking up with him.

well see now that's the problem.

By her talking to you about any trouble they would be having (all couples have rough periods and one time or another) you are breaking them up. Its classic triangulation (counseling term) and you don't even realize you're doing it.

Did you even read the OP? Also related, do you keep your girlfriend in a specially constructed pit in your basement?

Edit: typo

 

[spidey07]

Did you even read the OP? Also related, do you keep your girlfriend and a specially constructed pit in your basement?

LOL!

Of course not. But I'm intimately familiar with emtional affairs, triangulation and the dangers they cause.

unfortunately.

Anyway back on topic...drama man...drama.

And one more tid bit - if there was any physical abuse of anykind then stay away from her. Women like that are seriously fubarred in the head.

 

[Gurck]

Originally posted by: yukichigai

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
Call him back and tell him how you enjoyed banging his GF over and over again the last time you hooked up with her in Vegas.

I think as far as he's concerned, I already did.

She might be dead if that were the case.

A surprisingly large number of women actively (though subconsciously) seek out men who abuse them. Freud was right in that we often look for traits in our mates which are similar to those of our opposite-gender parent, and girls who grow up with an abusive father are common enough for abusive relationships to be as common as they are. This one sounds like a clear-cut case of it, and if even if you did develop something with her, it'd likely be awkward at best, and she might stray if you don't hit her, or at least give her frequent verbal lashings. Which, if you're like me, would be as natural & doable as hitting your nuts with a hammer. Forget about her! The sooner, the better.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Gurck
A surprisingly large number of women actively (though subconsciously) seek out men who abuse them. Freud was right in that we often look for traits in our mates which are similar to those of our opposite-gender parent, and girls who grow up with an abusive father are common enough for abusive relationships to be as common as they are. This one sounds like a clear-cut case of it, and if even if you did develop something with her, it'd likely be awkward at best, and she might stray if you don't hit her, or at least give her frequent verbal lashings. Which, if you're like me, would be as natural & doable as hitting your nuts with a hammer. Forget about her! The sooner, the better.

It would make sense. I've never met her father, any of her family for that matter, so I have no idea if that's the case for sure. But she did express certain... *ahem*... deviant desires which would fit well into that.

 

[Rainsford]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Did you even read the OP? Also related, do you keep your girlfriend and a specially constructed pit in your basement?

LOL!

Of course not. But I'm intimately familiar with emtional affairs, triangulation and the dangers they cause.

unfortunately.

Anyway back on topic...drama man...drama.

And one more tid bit - if there was any physical abuse of anykind then stay away from her. Women like that are seriously fubarred in the head.

I can sympathize with your experiences...but unfortunitly the problem usually exists well before any triangulation and such comes into play. Those are merely symptoms of the problem, NOT the cause. Using threats and violence to keep your GF away from other guys ignores the problem of why she is seeking out these other guys in the first place.

 

[PingSpike]

Originally posted by: Gurck
A surprisingly large number of women actively (though subconsciously) seek out men who abuse them. Freud was right in that we often look for traits in our mates which are similar to those of our opposite-gender parent, and girls who grow up with an abusive father are common enough for abusive relationships to be as common as they are. This one sounds like a clear-cut case of it, and if even if you did develop something with her, it'd likely be awkward at best, and she might stray if you don't hit her, or at least give her frequent verbal lashings. Which, if you're like me, would be as natural & doable as hitting your nuts with a hammer. Forget about her! The sooner, the better.

This is true. You can't be with these women because quite simply, they don't want a nice guy like you who doesn't beat the sh|t out of them when he's having a bad day. They want a crazy nutjob for a boyfriend who beats the crap out of them. They won't admit it, but their actions speak louder than words. They can walk away from the problem but they don't.

 

[Rainsford]

Originally posted by: yukichigai

Originally posted by: Gurck
A surprisingly large number of women actively (though subconsciously) seek out men who abuse them. Freud was right in that we often look for traits in our mates which are similar to those of our opposite-gender parent, and girls who grow up with an abusive father are common enough for abusive relationships to be as common as they are. This one sounds like a clear-cut case of it, and if even if you did develop something with her, it'd likely be awkward at best, and she might stray if you don't hit her, or at least give her frequent verbal lashings. Which, if you're like me, would be as natural & doable as hitting your nuts with a hammer. Forget about her! The sooner, the better.

It would make sense. I've never met her father, any of her family for that matter, so I have no idea if that's the case for sure. But she did express certain... *ahem*... deviant desires which would fit well into that.

Kind of OT, but deviant desires don't always indicate past abuse. Of course it all depends on what you mean by deviant, but there is a big different between a truly abusive relationship and one where spanking (or whatever) is a form of foreplay.

No, I don't own whips and chains or participate in S&M, but that kind of comparison was a huge deal at my school last year (we have an S&M club that was charged with assault), and I learned a lot following the story and talking with people involved.

Just thought I'd chime in 😉

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Rainsford
Kind of OT, but deviant desires don't always indicate past abuse. Of course it all depends on what you mean by deviant, but there is a big different between a truly abusive relationship and one where spanking (or whatever) is a form of foreplay.

No, I don't own whips and chains or participate in S&M, but that kind of comparison was a huge deal at my school last year (we have an S&M club that was charged with assault), and I learned a lot following the story and talking with people involved.

Just thought I'd chime in 😉

Oh no, I'm well aware that it isn't necessarily an indicator of abuse. Plenty of people just enjoy it for whatever reason. But it can be added to a list of possible symptoms of prior abuse.

By the way, there was a recent survey (can't remember in what) of women who were active in the BDSM world. Almost 3/4ths of them said they had been abused as children. Not sure what it means, but it's interesting.

 

[randomlinh]

he's out of line. she IM'd YOU. and so what if she did? Can't she talk to her own friends w/o her bf blowing up? I mean, I can understand him being a little jealous, but this seems way out of line. Unless there's something you're leaving out like you sending her love letters and flowers or something.. heh.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: lnguyen
he's out of line. she IM'd YOU. and so what if she did? Can't she talk to her own friends w/o her bf blowing up? I mean, I can understand him being a little jealous, but this seems way out of line. Unless there's something you're leaving out like you sending her love letters and flowers or something.. heh.

Nooooooo. I did spend the night at her place twice, but that was when they were broken up. And I slept on the couch.

Unless, of course, they never broke up and she was just trying to get some action on the side. (Except for the part where there was no action)

 

[Rainsford]

Originally posted by: yukichigai

Originally posted by: Rainsford
Kind of OT, but deviant desires don't always indicate past abuse. Of course it all depends on what you mean by deviant, but there is a big different between a truly abusive relationship and one where spanking (or whatever) is a form of foreplay.

No, I don't own whips and chains or participate in S&M, but that kind of comparison was a huge deal at my school last year (we have an S&M club that was charged with assault), and I learned a lot following the story and talking with people involved.

Just thought I'd chime in 😉

Oh no, I'm well aware that it isn't necessarily an indicator of abuse. Plenty of people just enjoy it for whatever reason. But it can be added to a list of possible symptoms of prior abuse.

By the way, there was a recent survey (can't remember in what) of women who were active in the BDSM world. Almost 3/4ths of them said they had been abused as children. Not sure what it means, but it's interesting.

Hmm, interesting survey, I'll have to see if I can find that sometime.

Anyways...back to work for me, hopefully Angry doesn't fly 500 miles to beat you up 😉

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Rainsford
Hmm, interesting survey, I'll have to see if I can find that sometime.

Anyways...back to work for me, hopefully Angry doesn't fly 500 miles to beat you up 😉

I'm not too worried about it. He doesn't even know my last name or where I live. And I know what he looks like, whereas he's never seen me. If I see him on my doorstep I'm putting on my best Russian accent and asking "what you want, fat man? You come with my pizza?" 😛

 

[Balt]

Vegas Girl sounds a lot like my step-sister, and Angry sounds a lot like her boyfriend. He once screamed at her because she said "I love you" to her sister before getting off the phone. According to him, he's the only one she should love.

They never leave the abusive, over-bearing boyfriends for more than a month or two.

Trust me.

 

[Zombie]

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Part rant, part YAGT, part poll question. There will be Cliffnotes at the bottom.

There's a girl in Vegas who I'm fond of. As some of her and my mutual friends have put it, she's like the female version of me. ('cept she looks a lot better in a bikini than I do 😉) The past couple times that I've gone down to Vegas I've tried to get in contact with her, but something's always come up. She's usually had what sounded like a good excuse, but I figured after this time if she didn't show up I'd just write her off completely since more than likely she was leading me on.

This time I'd gone down to welcome one of our mutual friends back from a 9-month trip to England. I figured since she ("Vegas Girl") had been friends with her ("England Girl") for 10 years Vegas Girl would show up to see England Girl at least once, no matter how much she might be trying to mess with me. Well she never showed, and I assumed she was just rather busy with work or something. But since she didn't even call I decided this was way too much effort and mentally scratched her off my list.

I'd known she had an old boyfriend (hitherto reffered to as "Angry") in the past but had broken up with him. It was a month or so after the breakup when I saw her last, and we had fun hanging out. But after that I couldn't ever seem to see her while I was in town. The last time I went down I managed to get a hold of her, only to find out she was in Utah with Angry and apparantly back together with him. Yet she contacted me via IM just a few days before this most recent trip. When I asked how Angry was doing she said "fine" and changed the subject, then asked me to call her when I got into town. Given some statements in previous conversations about how she'd felt guilty about breaking up with Angry since he was so depressed I wasn't sure what to make of her evasion when it came to discussing him. I just assumed it would become rather clear if she showed up to the welcome back party with a boyfriend in tow.

Well I left Vegas yesterday and got back home in the early evening. I puttered around on the computer for a while, had a little alcohol, and was just about to go to bed when my phone rings. The Caller ID says it's Vegas Girl so I pick up expecting to hear quite a tale. Instead some obviously pissed-off guy asks "who is this?", "do you know who I am?" and then tells me it's Angry, making a point of saying he's Vegas Girl's boyfriend. Now I may be a little oblivious but this had all the subtlety of a rotting whale, and I try to head this off before feathers get even more ruffled. "I know where this is going, and before it even comes up, no, I'm not trying to steal your girlfriend." No good. He launches into a threatening, rambling tirade(sp?) about how he's going to kill me if I ever call her again, interspersed with plenty of four letter words. (Particularly "f%$#") And try as I might to keep calm I just couldn't help but get a little PO'd as well. The conversation degraded from there....

Angry: Don't call her, don't IM her, erase her number from your f%$#ing phone or we're going to have a problem.
Me: Right, because you have absolute control over her life and who she talks to.
Angry: I have control over beating the s%$# out of you if you talk to her again.
Me: I'll be more impressed with that threat when you don't have to travel more than 500 miles to do it.
Angry: I'll find out where <guy who I stay with> lives, and if you're in town I'll f%$#ing beat the s%$# out of you.
<blah blah blah>

Anyway, after much posturing and swearing he hangs up, and I go to bed. But not before I spend a while wondering a few things, specifically.

Is this guy abusive?

...and...

Was Vegas Girl f%$#ing with my head?

I suppose it's all academic now, since I'd have to be insane to pursue a relationship with her after this.


Cliffnotes:

• "Vegas Girl" who I'm interested in hasn't been around last three times I've been to Vegas
• Last time I was in Vegas she called me and said she was in Utah with her ex-BF "Angry"
• Contacts me on IM before this trip, avoids talking about Angry or specifically mentioning if they're still together, tells me to call her when I'm in town
• Doesn't answer said calls, doesn't show up to welcome back party for friend she's had since grade school
• I get threatening call from Angry after I get back home, telling me to stop calling her.
• EDIT: As I said above, "...I'd have to be insane to pursue a relationship with her after this."

You knew she had a BF yet tried to hook-up with her. So I guess you deserved what you got. Her BF might be over-protective but you are an asshat.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Zombie
You knew she had a BF yet tried to hook-up with her. So I guess you deserved what you got. Her BF might be over-protective but you are an asshat.

And you can't read.

Part of the point of this whole f%$#ing trip was to find out, without a doubt, whether or not she was single. If she was not single I was going to grudgingly accept the shameful mantle of "friend" and slink back home. If she was single... well yay for me. But she never showed. I suspect to keep her charming manbeast from trying to kill me.