*POLL* YAGT (sort of) and semi-rant: is this guy an abusive boyfriend?

[yukichigai]

Part rant, part YAGT, part poll question. There will be Cliffnotes at the bottom.

There's a girl in Vegas who I'm fond of. As some of her and my mutual friends have put it, she's like the female version of me. ('cept she looks a lot better in a bikini than I do ) The past couple times that I've gone down to Vegas I've tried to get in contact with her, but something's always come up. She's usually had what sounded like a good excuse, but I figured after this time if she didn't show up I'd just write her off completely since more than likely she was leading me on.

This time I'd gone down to welcome one of our mutual friends back from a 9-month trip to England. I figured since she ("Vegas Girl") had been friends with her ("England Girl") for 10 years Vegas Girl would show up to see England Girl at least once, no matter how much she might be trying to mess with me. Well she never showed, and I assumed she was just rather busy with work or something. But since she didn't even call I decided this was way too much effort and mentally scratched her off my list.

I'd known she had an old boyfriend (hitherto reffered to as "Angry") in the past but had broken up with him. It was a month or so after the breakup when I saw her last, and we had fun hanging out. But after that I couldn't ever seem to see her while I was in town. The last time I went down I managed to get a hold of her, only to find out she was in Utah with Angry and apparantly back together with him. Yet she contacted me via IM just a few days before this most recent trip. When I asked how Angry was doing she said "fine" and changed the subject, then asked me to call her when I got into town. Given some statements in previous conversations about how she'd felt guilty about breaking up with Angry since he was so depressed I wasn't sure what to make of her evasion when it came to discussing him. I just assumed it would become rather clear if she showed up to the welcome back party with a boyfriend in tow.

Well I left Vegas yesterday and got back home in the early evening. I puttered around on the computer for a while, had a little alcohol, and was just about to go to bed when my phone rings. The Caller ID says it's Vegas Girl so I pick up expecting to hear quite a tale. Instead some obviously pissed-off guy asks "who is this?", "do you know who I am?" and then tells me it's Angry, making a point of saying he's Vegas Girl's boyfriend. Now I may be a little oblivious but this had all the subtlety of a rotting whale, and I try to head this off before feathers get even more ruffled. "I know where this is going, and before it even comes up, no, I'm not trying to steal your girlfriend." No good. He launches into a threatening, rambling tirade(sp?) about how he's going to kill me if I ever call her again, interspersed with plenty of four letter words. (Particularly "f%$#") And try as I might to keep calm I just couldn't help but get a little PO'd as well. The conversation degraded from there....

Angry: Don't call her, don't IM her, erase her number from your f%$#ing phone or we're going to have a problem.
Me: Right, because you have absolute control over her life and who she talks to.
Angry: I have control over beating the s%$# out of you if you talk to her again.
Me: I'll be more impressed with that threat when you don't have to travel more than 500 miles to do it.
Angry: I'll find out where <guy who I stay with> lives, and if you're in town I'll f%$#ing beat the s%$# out of you.
<blah blah blah>

Anyway, after much posturing and swearing he hangs up, and I go to bed. But not before I spend a while wondering a few things, specifically.

Is this guy abusive?

...and...

Was Vegas Girl f%$#ing with my head?

I suppose it's all academic now, since I'd have to be insane to pursue a relationship with her after this.


Cliffnotes:

• "Vegas Girl" who I'm interested in hasn't been around last three times I've been to Vegas
• Last time I was in Vegas she called me and said she was in Utah with her ex-BF "Angry"
• Contacts me on IM before this trip, avoids talking about Angry or specifically mentioning if they're still together, tells me to call her when I'm in town
• Doesn't answer said calls, doesn't show up to welcome back party for friend she's had since grade school
• I get threatening call from Angry after I get back home, telling me to stop calling her.
• EDIT: As I said above, "...I'd have to be insane to pursue a relationship with her after this."

 

[gopunk]

i dunno i would just forget it... too much trouble

 

[spidey07]

that's not too protective.

you're messing in their business and I would be saying the same thing to you.

 

[K1052]

She is f'ing with your mind. Stay away, far far away.

 

[TwinkleToes77]

She's fvcking with your mind. He is protective and angry that his gf is pulling something over on him.. which most guys would be. I dont think hes abusive though.

 

[jjones]

Forget about it, this one's not worth the headache; too many other available girls out there.

 

[imported_Tomato]

avoid the drama, dude

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: spidey07
that's not too protective.

you're messing in their business and I would be saying the same thing to you.

Which I would agree with hands down if she wasn't the one IM'ng me. (Not the other way around)

 

[CommCR]

She's messing with you and playing either you or "angry" or both.


Have a Good listen to Genuwine's song "What's So Different"

 

[yukichigai]

Bump in case anybody else cares.

 

[PingSpike]

1) Forget this. Leave that sh|t to burn up on its own in Vegas, not your problem.
2) If that guy called me, I would have been like "She IM'd me asshole, when I found out she had a BF again I lost interest in the idea. I don't steal other dudes girls. Your problem is with her, not me. But if it makes you feel any better, I won't talk to her anymore." Then I would have hung up on him.
3) Yeah, she's probably trying to use you against her boyfriend. Stay out of this mess, don't bother dating her or dealing with her.
4) Maybe the dude is abusive, but who cares, thats not really your problem. And despite what movies may have led you to believe you're more likely to end up getting punched in the face and have assault charges pressed on you if you tried to help the girl out. Being a big hero here isn't going to get you sh|t. She'd side with the boyfriend if it came to fight, even if the guy is beating her. Thats how fvcked up people who put up with being beat on function, because they're fvcked up in the head.
5) Again, don't bother with this chick or anything to do with her.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: PingSpike
4) Maybe the dude is abusive, but who cares, thats not really your problem. And despite what movies may have led you to believe you're more likely to end up getting punched in the face and have assault charges pressed on you if you tried to help the girl out. Being a big hero here isn't going to get you sh|t. She'd side with the boyfriend if it came to fight, even if the guy is beating her. Thats how fvcked up people who put up with being beat on function, because they're fvcked up in the head.

I never really considered anything like that. But I am friends with England Girl, who as I mentioned has been friends with Vegas Girl for 10 years. I can't do anything myself -- nor should I -- but I can at least give England Girl a heads-up that something seems off. She'll likely be the one helping end the abusive relationship anyway, if it exists.

 

[spidey07]

I never really considered anything like that. But I am friends with England Girl, who as I mentioned has been friends with Vegas Girl for 10 years. I can't do anything myself -- nor should I -- but I can at least give England Girl a heads-up that something seems off. She'll likely be the one helping end the abusive relationship anyway, if it exists.

umm, you're meddling and in the process you are destroying their relationship...good job.

 

[skace]

Next time she IMs you, just tell her you want some information or you are blocking her 100% because you cannot deal with all the drama. That simple...

 

[Kadarin]

I'm agreeing with the general concensus of this thread; she's not worth it.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
I'm agreeing with the general concensus of this thread; she's not worth it.

I've come to that conclusion as well. In fact I said it in the post, twice. You've noticed that, right?

 

[Aharami]

Originally posted by: gopunk
i dunno i would just forget it... too much trouble

summed up nicely

 

[TheNinja]

Originally posted by: skace
Next time she IMs you, just tell her you want some information or you are blocking her 100% because you cannot deal with all the drama. That simple...

I agree with this statement. Don't contact her, but if she contacts you you should demand some answers and basically find out her intentions (friends, asking for you help, sexually interested, jerking you around, etc?).

 

[Anubis]

IMO that dude iw way fusking out of line,

but let it go anyway

and do you want me to host that Pain CD for you?

 

[Rainsford]

Originally posted by: spidey07
that's not too protective.

you're messing in their business and I would be saying the same thing to you.

Hmm...

Let's say your GF and you had broken up, then got back together a few months later. During the months you were broken up, she was friends with this guy, hung out with him a few times, etc. Since you got back together and he found that out, he has made no move on her at all and she talked with him on IM a little bit. He still likes her, but apparently nothing is going on at all, he seems to have dropped it (and he lives 500 miles away) and she is just talking with him every once in a while. I think this describes the OP's situation fairly well.

Now, given all that, what exactly makes you think a very threatening phone call to said guy is an appropriate response? I'm really interested to hear your reasoning.

And just because they are in a relationship does not make her business suddenly "their" business. Any boyfriend who tries to control who his GF talks to or is friends with is at the very least a controlling prick, and at the worst is abusive. Trust is a crucial element in any relationship, and it is something "Angry" and (apparently) you do not seem to understand.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Anubis
IMO that dude iw way fusking out of line,

but let it go anyway

and do you want me to host that Pain CD for you?

Rarely do I ever say this, but LOL, way to be random dude.

With regards to the hosting, sure, but I'm at work right now. I'll PM you when I get home.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Rainsford
Let's say your GF and you had broken up, then got back together a few months later. During the months you were broken up, she was friends with this guy, hung out with him a few times, etc. Since you got back together and he found that out, he has made no move on her at all and she talked with him on IM a little bit. He still likes her, but apparently nothing is going on at all, he seems to have dropped it (and he lives 500 miles away) and she is just talking with him every once in a while. I think this describes the OP's situation fairly well.

Yes, it really does.

Just because she's taken doesn't mean I'll instantly stop liking her. But it does mean I'm not going to make a move on her. C'mon, I was raised Catholic. "No wife/girlfriend-stealing" is one of the f%$#ing 10 Commandments.

 

[spidey07]

Trust is a crucial element in any relationship, and it is something "Angry" and (apparently) you do not seem to understand.

If some dude is messing in me and my girls business then I will tell him to butt out. And if he doesn't agree I'll make the point more apparent.

Trust is one thing, some dude messin with my girl is another. I'll let my SO do whatever she wants to do and talk to whoever she wants, but if I find out some guy is secretly undermining our relationship then I will tell them to knock it off. And if they get flippy with me like OP, then I may have to use more convincing methods.

 

[Rainsford]

Originally posted by: yukichigai

Originally posted by: Rainsford
Let's say your GF and you had broken up, then got back together a few months later. During the months you were broken up, she was friends with this guy, hung out with him a few times, etc. Since you got back together and he found that out, he has made no move on her at all and she talked with him on IM a little bit. He still likes her, but apparently nothing is going on at all, he seems to have dropped it (and he lives 500 miles away) and she is just talking with him every once in a while. I think this describes the OP's situation fairly well.

Yes, it really does.

Just because she's taken doesn't mean I'll instantly stop liking her. But it does mean I'm not going to make a move on her. C'mon, I was raised Catholic. "No wife/girlfriend-stealing" is one of the f%$#ing 10 Commandments.

Glad to know I read that right And the fact that you wouldn't make a move on her is important (and admirable), but what's more important is you can't really have a relationship if you don't trust your GF not to cheat on you when another guy is interested. Unless your GF is Jabba the Hutt, chances are some other guys are interested, and you're going to have to deal with that. This has never bothered me because I'm confident no GF I've had would react to that interest. If I thought they would, I'd have to seriously reconsider our relationship.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: spidey07
Trust is one thing, some dude messin with my girl is another. I'll let my SO do whatever she wants to do and talk to whoever she wants, but if I find out some guy is secretly undermining our relationship then I will tell them to knock it off. And if they get flippy with me like OP, then I may have to use more convincing methods.

Then you should be able to agree with me that he's a nutjob, because he was threatening me from the get-go.

There was no reason for him to suspect anything. The two messages I left on her phone consisted of "I'm in town. Call <friend I stay with>'s place if you want to hang out or something," along with one phone SMS that says "<England Girl>'s party is at the Luxor, Room <room#>."

If that's enough to make you think someone's "undermining our relationship" you have issues.