Patton Oswalt on George Lucas

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Fritzo

Fritzo

Lifer
Jan 3, 2001
41,920
2,161
126
Patton Oswalt is one of my favorite comedians because he can so accurately put into words feelings I can't describe.

I want to kill George Lucas with a shovel. Okay, let me clarify, I don't want to kill him now because he adopted some kids and he's got that beard to take care of, but I want to go back to 1992 and just beat him to death with a shovel. Star Wars is fucking awesome, but I just want to prevent the prequels, that's all I want to do. Let's imagine I just ran into him in 1992:
"Oh my god! You're George Lucas! I just want to say you're amazing, I love you! Star Wars is awesome. Just.. thank you."

"Well, you say you like Star Wars? You know I'm about to start working on some prequels."

"Wait, you mean, you're gonna do Chapters One through Three? Oh my god! YES! I've been waiting so long for this!"

"So, do you like Darth Vader?"

"Do I like Darth Vader? Oh god I LOVE Darth Vader! With the cape and the mask and the lightsaber? He's a badass!"

"Well, in the first movie you get to see him as a little kid."

"I... what? Wait, you mean he's like Damien in the Omen, right? He's going around killing people with his mind and stuff right?"

"Well, no he's just a little kid and he gets taken away from his mommy and he's very sad."

"Yeah, well...I kind of like the helmet and the cape and the sword, you know?"

"Well don't worry about that because guess who's in the second movie? Boba Fett!"

"Holy shit! Boba Fett?! That's even better than Darth! With the suit of armor and that helmet and the cool ship? He's a badass bounty hunter!"

"Yeah, and in the second movie, you get to see him as a little kid!"

"Wait.. what? So you mean he's got the helmet on and he's shooting people and stuff, right?"

"No, he's just a little kid and his daddy dies and he's very sad."

"Oh. Well, I kind of just like where he's a bounty hunter and he's shooting people and stuff."

"Well, don't worry about any of that because guess what's in the third movie... the Death Star!"

"Oh my fucking god, the Dea... wait a minute. What is it doing?"

"Well, it's just being built and Darth Vader is looking at it."

"I kind of just like it when it's done and it's blowing up planets and stuff. I don't really care how they put the air conditioning and the toilets in, you know?"

"You seem very sad."

"Yes, you're right. I don't give a fuck about any of that stuff. That sounds... horrible! I would never go see that."

"Would you like a dish of ice cream?"

"Why, yes I would l like some ice cream. That would be very nice!"

"Well here's a big sack of rock salt!"

"What? You said I'd be getting ice cream?"

"Well, when you add the cream and sugar and ice and do a little mixing and then presto, you have ice cream!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHERE THE STUFF I LOVE COMES FROM! I JUST LOVE THE STUFF I LOVE! Hey, do you love Angelina Jolie? Does she give you a big boner? Well then here's Jon Voight's ballsack! That's right! The sweaty, pink ballsack she swam out of. Now jerk off to that, you lucky so and so!"
Click to expand...
 
D

darkewaffle

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2005
8,152
1
81
Meh, Star Wars was ok at best. The only good one was that one with Bruce Willis and the "Multipass" chick imo.
 
z1ggy

z1ggy

Lifer
May 17, 2008
10,010
66
91
Is it bad the thought of Jon Voight's pink ballsack gives me a bone?? Is that the point here? I'm lost.
 
Sonikku

Sonikku

Lifer
Jun 23, 2005
15,856
4,803
136
darkewaffle said:
Meh, Star Wars was ok at best. The only good one was that one with Bruce Willis and the "Multipass" chick imo.
Click to expand...

Ah yes, and Darth Vader intimidated people by pouring black goo on their foreheads. That was awesome.
 
foghorn67

foghorn67

Lifer
Jan 3, 2006
11,883
63
91
The problem with Star Wars prequels isn't the story. The problem with the prequel movies was moving aside interesting character development and it's just STORY, STORY, MOAR STORY! And that's all you get. Everything will (and did) appear to lack depth once you do that. It defines everything. Rough, pandemic pacing. Acting focused on delivering a story and not a believable scene. Action scenes that stressed clarity and sharpness rather the visceral and controlled chaos that Jedi's and space clone thingies should be fighting.
If we were to be magically be transported into a SW world in an instant, we couldn't comprehend what was going on if we really thought Jedi's were fast, badass, powerful, clairvoyant and so on. Yet the action had the most anemic cut scenes, awful and flat sound effects and terrible and editing.
The effect or overall tone of a few dozen jedi's facing a droid army by the thousands should be, "I have no idea what's going on, but that looks cool."
 
foghorn67

foghorn67

Lifer
Jan 3, 2006
11,883
63
91
And BTW- Patton Oswalt is funny, but that wasn't. The same, cliched, tired and un-original rant. Kind of like the prequels.
 
gorcorps

gorcorps

aka Brandon
Jul 18, 2004
30,739
454
126
Patton Oswalt can be funny until his rolly polly ass starts to puff up about the politics that he can't quite wrap his stubby cheeto stained fingers around.

Can't stand political commedians, that's why I don't listen to Lewis Black anymore.
 
QueBert

QueBert

Lifer
Jan 6, 2002
22,890
1,090
126
ThinClient said:
Patton Oswald has never been funny. Ever.
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thanks Captain Obvious. Next you're going to tell me Tiger Woods isn't a good basketball player.

Seriously though, this Oswald dude's an actual comedian? hoooooly fuck. I thought he was just an unfunny friend character on a sitcom.
 
Sheik Yerbouti

Sheik Yerbouti

Lifer
Feb 16, 2005
14,074
5,438
136
QueBert said:
thanks Captain Obvious. Next you're going to tell me Tiger Woods isn't a good basketball player.

Seriously though, this Oswald dude's an actual comedian? hoooooly fuck. I thought he was just an unfunny friend character on a sitcom.
Click to expand...

o_O
 
mmntech

mmntech

Lifer
Sep 20, 2007
17,501
12
0
foghorn67 said:
The problem with Star Wars prequels isn't the story. The problem with the prequel movies was moving aside interesting character development and it's just STORY, STORY, MOAR STORY! And that's all you get. Everything will (and did) appear to lack depth once you do that. It defines everything. Rough, pandemic pacing. Acting focused on delivering a story and not a believable scene. Action scenes that stressed clarity and sharpness rather the visceral and controlled chaos that Jedi's and space clone thingies should be fighting.
If we were to be magically be transported into a SW world in an instant, we couldn't comprehend what was going on if we really thought Jedi's were fast, badass, powerful, clairvoyant and so on. Yet the action had the most anemic cut scenes, awful and flat sound effects and terrible and editing.
The effect or overall tone of a few dozen jedi's facing a droid army by the thousands should be, "I have no idea what's going on, but that looks cool."
Click to expand...

The story for the prequels is pretty much a first draft that got rushed into production. Even in the documentaries about the films, it's mentioned they're already working on props, sets, and costumes before he's finished the screenplay. You can't do it that way.

There's a lot of cool stuff you could have done with the prequels for Vader's origin story. Make him more realistic. He comes off as a cocky, whiny asshole in the second and third film. There's no reason to be sympathetic for his character. There's a big contradiction between what Obi-wan says about him in the first film, and how he actually is in the prequels. Lucas tries to get by this with a lot of shoehorning. The prequel trilogy comes off as very forced as a result.

There's also no really grounding in the original trilogy that Jedi cannot marry. I always felt this was kind of dumb. Would have made Vader a family man who simply gets broken during the war. Cut all the exposition and focus exclusively on the clone wars themselves. This would bring him more in line to how Obi-wan describes his fall.
 
T

T9D

Diamond Member
Dec 1, 2001
5,320
6
0
No mention of Jar Jar. You could have skipped all that and just said Jar Jar
 
preslove

preslove

Lifer
Sep 10, 2003
16,754
64
91
The red letter media hints at a good prequel plot, which would be very similar to the Knights of the Old Republic comic & video game plot. Episode 1 is the invasion/insurrection of some evil force (mandalorians in KOTOR, probably the "Clones" of the clone war line from a new hope), and a segment of the Jedi breaking with the council and going to fight. Episode 2 would be the war and fall of Anakin & the emporer to the dark side, and 3 would be the takeover of the republic.

Basing it all on Anakin as space jesus was a huge mistake, especially when the great plot had already been written.
 
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