Parent dating someone you don't like...

[Lola]

My parents have been divorced for many years. I am ok with that and it was for the better that it happened, however, at this point, my mom is living with someone whom i really dislike.

It goes beyond just not liking him because he is not my "real dad"... I am grown up and past that. They had been dating on and off for the past ~7 years. About 2 years ago, he (the BF) gave her an engagement ring except never proposed to her. After that, they moved in together in a house they bought together.

So, here is this guy who has never been married, 50 years old, was living with his parents until they past away then he moved in with her and my 21 year old brother.

He never had kids and cannot understand my moms relationship with my brother and myself. At one point, my brother confided in me that the BF was acting very immature with him to the point that he (the BF) was purposly doing things to anger my brother.

My brother couldn't take it anymore so he moved from MI to UT. I thought things would get better with them but now i realize that the BF is trying to split up my mom and myself. He "won't let her visit" with me. He is wanting her to himself.

I will get into the other issues later, and i know i really have no place to tell her what to do in her life, but i need to try and make her see what a downer and loser this guy is. He is making her personality change (for the worse) and is always negative.

Please help me. I need to talk with her, but i do not want to be intrusive, but i dont know if she sees what he is doing.


CLIFFS:
Mom has jerk boyfriend that hates my brother and I

Mom doesn't see what a loser he is

BF is changing mom's personality and outlook on life in a bad way

As concerned daughter (even though it is not really any of my business) i need some help
how to approach the sticky subject with her for her own good.

Have any of you been in a similar situation?

 

[FoBoT]

your mother is an adult and knows what is going on, even if she is ignoring it

i don't think there is anyway to tell your parent(S) how to live their lives

just keep being nice to her, being her daughter

 

[radioouman]

Moshquerade will be able to help you here.

 

[potato28]

Go with the groove.

 

[SmoochyTX]

Your mother is an adult and capable of making her own decisions (I assume) whether you think they're right or wrong.

Try being supportive of your mother and just be 'there' for her. People learn from mistakes. And if this guy is as big a jerk as you say he is, then remember it says something about your mother as well for putting up with him. Eventually, she'll move past him or you'll realize that you can't do anything about it without alienating your mother. Again, just be supportive. If your mother decides to be with him, you might want to try actually getting along with and maybe even liking him. Butting into her relationship will only cause more problems between her and yourself and her boyfriend and your brother.

I speak from personal experience.

 

[KarenMarie]

there is nothing wrong with your voicing your concerns to your Mom in a loving and respectful way.

But don't be surprised if she gets defensive and tells you to myob.

If you decide to have a word with her, do it and then don't bring it up again. Just speak your mind and let it lay there. If you do not want to go over her house while he is there, then that is perfectly understandable and acceptable. Just don't make her make a choice.... chances are that will burn bridges and she might feel that she has no where to turn if the crap hits the fan.

 

[NuclearNed]

The best option isn't usually the easiest.

You may want to consider writing a very carefully worded letter to your mother voicing your concerns and your desire to maintain a close relationship with her. You should be prepared to the possibility that this action will alienate yourself from her. She may become real defensive and totally disagree with you. Above all else, do everything in love - don't let your emotions cause you to do or say things that might really harm your relationship, especially if she begins to act hostile.

 

[Lola]

thank you all for your input.
i really tried liking him but i cannot pretend anymore.
She had always been the most giving person. She would give anyone anything. Now, she has become extremely cheap because that is what he has "taught" her.
She is no longer positive and happy, but always pissed off or annoyed because that is the way he acts.

we have a very open, honest mom/daughter relationship and so we talk a lot and she has even told me flat out that she is staying with him because she wants a companion and thinks she cannot find someone else. She is in good shape, looks great and has/had a very positive outlook on life.
She knows she is not happy and she is afraid to change. I cannot help her with that, but i wish there was something i could show her or say to her that would make her see that too (eventhough she is seeing it herself)

 

[Heisenberg]

The ability of women to stay with men who are jackasses never ceases to amaze me. I would voice your concerns to your mother as respectfully as possible, but just don't be surprised if she doesn't listen.

 

[JulesMaximus]

I think you need to talk to the BF and tell him how you feel. Maybe he isn't even aware that he's doing these things. At least you'll feel better that you got it off your chest so to speak.

 

[NTB]

Which ever parent it is, I'd just tell the other one - I imagine they wouldn't be too happy, considering that they've been married upwards of 30 years

Nate

 

[eakers]

I thought things would get better with them but now i realize that the BF is trying to split up my mom and myself. He "won't let her visit" with me. He is wanting her to himself.

This really really worries me. Isolation typically goes with abuse.

 

[SmoochyTX]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
thank you all for your input.
i really tried liking him but i cannot pretend anymore.
She had always been the most giving person. She would give anyone anything. Now, she has become extremely cheap because that is what he has "taught" her.
She is no longer positive and happy, but always pissed off or annoyed because that is the way he acts.

we have a very open, honest mom/daughter relationship and so we talk a lot and she has even told me flat out that she is staying with him because she wants a companion and thinks she cannot find someone else. She is in good shape, looks great and has/had a very positive outlook on life.
She knows she is not happy and she is afraid to change. I cannot help her with that, but i wish there was something i could show her or say to her that would make her see that too (eventhough she is seeing it herself)

If she really saw it herself, she wouldn't be with such a loser. And then she's been with him on and off for 7 years you said?

So what else in her life is holding her down besides the boyfriend? Her job? Your brother's relationship with her? A makeover with current clothes and makeup (spending spree) might help her self-image. Does she have any friends of her own? If she's become disconnected from them over the years, it might help if she could reconnect with them somehow over dinner.

What I'm saying though is that, in the end, you're not going to be able to change anything for her. She'll have to change her situation herself. You can try to help but there comes a time when help is intrusion and if she's comfortable enough to live her life the way it is now, she will only get defensive with you and your relationship with her will weaken.

In the end, she's an adult and you can't make her do anything.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
I think you need to talk to the BF and tell him how you feel. Maybe he isn't even aware that he's doing these things. At least you'll feel better that you got it off your chest so to speak.

the most upsetting thing is that he KNOWS he is doing these things and doing them to tick her/me/brother off.

For instance, they rode on his harley from MI to Sturgis the back this past summer. On the way back, she was getting heat stroke from riding and the heat. She asked if they could cut the last 600 miles into two days (300 miles each day) because she was getting so sick. He wanted to drive all the way back because he did not want to pay for another hotel room. She begged and pleaded so he finally gave in, but to tick her off even more, he drove way below the speed limit to take longer. Finally, as she was getting sick, she made him pull over. she started to cry because she was so tired, sick, hot and upset at the way he was treating her. So, seeing her like that, he started laughing in her face.
things like that he does just to get his way, or if he cannot, to make people pay for not following what HE wants.

 

[GalvanizedYankee]

Live your own life and let Mom live her's.

 

[eakers]

For instance, they rode on his harley from MI to Sturgis the back this past summer. On the way back, she was getting heat stroke from riding and the heat. She asked if they could cut the last 600 miles into two days (300 miles each day) because she was getting so sick. He wanted to drive all the way back because he did not want to pay for another hotel room. She begged and pleaded so he finally gave in, but to tick her off even more, he drove way below the speed limit to take longer. Finally, as she was getting sick, she made him pull over. she started to cry because she was so tired, sick, hot and upset at the way he was treating her. So, seeing her like that, he started laughing in her face.

Is there anything you can do to get her out of this situation? This guy is abusive, plain and simple. Is there any way you can get to her to see how bad this is? Like ask her if she would want you living in that situation.

The problem with older women is they feel like they should just take what they can get because older men are always looking for young women.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: eakers

I thought things would get better with them but now i realize that the BF is trying to split up my mom and myself. He "won't let her visit" with me. He is wanting her to himself.

This really really worries me. Isolation typically goes with abuse.

well, i know she would tell me if he were physically abusing her, and she has not said anything, but i do think he is abusing her verbally very often. He "shoots" her down all the time, he bitches and moans and talks about how much he hates her family, he is always negative to her and her wants, needs, likes, etc.

I never really thought of that.

Also, I thought that once my brother left (we- mom and i- miss him so much) the house, the BF would be better. I thought my brother was the cause of the issues. He did not want to have to fight for my mom in being the "man" in her life.
I was wrong. now that he is gone, the BF is using me as the one to take out his anger and agression (so to speak) on. He is not letting her come and visit me, unless he comes with her, he never wants to visit with her family.

He is just a very mean, unhappy person. He came with her to our wedding in hawaii... I made sure everyone was fully taken care of in any way possible. He was in paradise, literally... but there was not one moment that he was not bitching about something.

 

[SmoochyTX]

Lola, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

 

[mrrman]

to be honest its none of your business unless domestic violence happens

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: eakers

For instance, they rode on his harley from MI to Sturgis the back this past summer. On the way back, she was getting heat stroke from riding and the heat. She asked if they could cut the last 600 miles into two days (300 miles each day) because she was getting so sick. He wanted to drive all the way back because he did not want to pay for another hotel room. She begged and pleaded so he finally gave in, but to tick her off even more, he drove way below the speed limit to take longer. Finally, as she was getting sick, she made him pull over. she started to cry because she was so tired, sick, hot and upset at the way he was treating her. So, seeing her like that, he started laughing in her face.

Is there anything you can do to get her out of this situation? This guy is abusive, plain and simple. Is there any way you can get to her to see how bad this is? Like ask her if she would want you living in that situation.

The problem with older women is they feel like they should just take what they can get because older men are always looking for young women.

You are right, and i know that this is the case too. She thinks she is not young nor attractive but to be honest with you, she is beautiful (not only for her age of 51) in great shape, kind, loving, giving. That is why people (namely the BF) find it so easy to take advantage of what a sweet person she is.

 

[spidey07]

If she's happy then stay out of it.

If you butt in you'll cause resentment in the family and quite possibly ruining her happiness.

On top of that you are most likely only hearing one side of the story. The side of two kids who can't get over the fact that their mother has moved on and found happiness.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: SmoochyTX
Lola, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

i am only 23. As i said, my mom and i have a very deep, loving, open relationship. WSe have been through hell and back together and that has made our bond stronger than i could have ever imagined. She really is my very best friend and a most inspirational person.

 

[eakers]

I can't believe how many people in this thread would let their mother stay in a situation where she is not respected .

 

[SmoochyTX]

Originally posted by: eakers

For instance, they rode on his harley from MI to Sturgis the back this past summer. On the way back, she was getting heat stroke from riding and the heat. She asked if they could cut the last 600 miles into two days (300 miles each day) because she was getting so sick. He wanted to drive all the way back because he did not want to pay for another hotel room. She begged and pleaded so he finally gave in, but to tick her off even more, he drove way below the speed limit to take longer. Finally, as she was getting sick, she made him pull over. she started to cry because she was so tired, sick, hot and upset at the way he was treating her. So, seeing her like that, he started laughing in her face.

Is there anything you can do to get her out of this situation? This guy is abusive, plain and simple. Is there any way you can get to her to see how bad this is? Like ask her if she would want you living in that situation.

The problem with older women is they feel like they should just take what they can get because older men are always looking for young women.

I'm trying to be sensitive in the way that I say this so forgive me if I don't say it exactly right Lola.

Your mother is choosing to stick around in this relationship. She obviously felt she wasn't hurt enough to leave it. Hopefully one day she will wake up and do something about her life. But in the end it's not for you to decide because you will just be caught in the middle of it all.

I dealt with this for many MANY years myself. It took ME bailing them both out of jail and cussing at them on the way home and refusing to let them out of my car after a talking to from me (LOL) of about one hour in the driveway at home with the windows up and us almost suffocating from it before they finally split up. And I feel I got lucky that night.

He moved out the next couple of days and it was all over. BTW, they both beat each other. She wasn't innocent of doing no harm and neither was he. I just told them I would never do this again. I told them that was their first time and it was their last time. They'd been together for over 15 years then.

Only your mother will decide when she's done with him.

ETA - I was 28 when this happened.

ETAA - I say 'beat'. It was more like he slapped her and she scratched him. No black eyes or broken bones. But yeah, they'd been having problems for years and years and years leading up to that night.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: spidey07
If she's happy then stay out of it.

If you butt in you'll cause resentment in the family and quite possibly ruining her happiness.

On top of that you are most likely only hearing one side of the story. The side of two kids who can't get over the fact that their mother has moved on and found happiness.

that is where you are incorrect. She has blatently told me she is not happy.

My brother and i have our own lives and want nothing more than happiness for her.
She has not moved on. She has always told him her kids come first, and now that we are grown, i think she is realizing that she needs to face the situation at hand. There is no where she can hide from it with my brother or myself.

If i am coming off as the whiny little girl that is jeleous my mommy is not paying attention to me, i am sorry. I certainly did not mean to seem that way at all. I am genuinely worried about her and her physical and mental being.