WombatWoman
Diamond Member
A thread started by Aquaman last night caused me to dig up an old, old piece that I published in a small newsletter in the early '80s. I've updated it here and there, but the eternal wisdom still shines through. No, wait, that light at the end of the tunnel may be a proctoscope...
== TEST YOUR LEVEL OF ENLIGHTENMENT! ==
Select the answer which best completes the following statements:
Look within your deepest self to determine whether you have chosen your answers wisely (keeping in mind that you are on the honor system, and your answers are etched in eternity.) Score one point for each correct answer and one point for each incorrect answer. Divide by the number of hands that are clapping.
0-5 points:
You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points:
Find ways to divest yourself of worldliness (that Rolex would look really good on me, for instance.)
10-15 points:
You're so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep contemplating that navel (unless you gave it up for Lint.)
15-20 points:
You are a highly conscious being, and with a little good karma and a nice haircut you'll go a long way.
20-25 points: You are close to God-realization--early August at the latest. May I pin this flower on you?
[EDIT: Yikes, Moonbeam will never forgive me. I misspelled "enlightenment."]
== TEST YOUR LEVEL OF ENLIGHTENMENT! ==
Select the answer which best completes the following statements:
- Yin and...
A) Yout
B) Tonic
C) Yenta
D) Yoda
- A Zen koan is...
A) A Jewish Buddhist
B) All of the above
C) None of the above
D) The above
- Lao-Tsu is...
A) Sweet & sour giblets
B) An anagram of "A Lotus"
C) The Japanese word for sneeze
D) One of the above
- Jivatman and Atman merge to become...
A) The Atman Brothers
B) Jivatman & Atman, Inc.
C) Mr & Mrs Atman
D) You jivin' me, man?
- The word or words best describing the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is...
A) Oneness
B) Insider Trading
C) We're just good friends
D) Deity & You & a Guru Named Bhu
- If you cross a Swami with a Yogi you get...
A) A Swogi
B) A Salami
C) Yogurt
D) Powerful are these men, a Jedi crosses them not
- Om Mani Padme Hum means...
A) "Yo, man, I forgot the words" in Ebonics
B) "Oy, Manny, pardon my home" in Yiddish
C) "I spent a lot of money on these vibrating falsies" in Sanskrit
D) "If u cn rd ths u cn gt a gd jb" in SpeedWriting
- The sound of one hand clapping is...
A) The ultimate in easy listening music
B) Similar to smiling with one lip
C) A Zen record shop
D) Like the p in swimming
- Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to...
A) Eenie meenie
B) Oscar Mayer weenie
C) James Gandolfini
D) Monty Python's Flying Circus (NOTE: This is a silly answer)
- Tao Te Ching is...
A) Jackie Chan's martial arts instructor
B) The long-awaited sequel to the bestselling "I Ching"
C) A massage parlor in Shanghai
D) A new movie starring Cheech and Chong
- You arrive at a party and a friend says, "Far out! I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means...
A) "Hi"
B) "Try the brownies, they are scrumptious"
C) "I just came back from California"
D) "I don't remember your name"
- If shakti is rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force is traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Boston if we woke up in Albuquerque?
A) Shirley shirley bo birley banana fanna fo firley
B) But the eggplant over there
C) Mary Ann or Ginger?
D) Yes
True-False
- Ramakrishna is a Kellogg's product
- Angels who dance on the head of a pin are missing the point
- Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder
- The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a Buffy spinoff with an all-Asian cast
- One way to tell whether you are addicted to meditation is with the Tao Jones Average
- Hypnosis is better than Novocaine because it enables you to transcend dental medication
- Most dogmas like to ride in karmas
- The truth will make you free, or if not free, at least reasonably priced
Look within your deepest self to determine whether you have chosen your answers wisely (keeping in mind that you are on the honor system, and your answers are etched in eternity.) Score one point for each correct answer and one point for each incorrect answer. Divide by the number of hands that are clapping.
0-5 points:
You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points:
Find ways to divest yourself of worldliness (that Rolex would look really good on me, for instance.)
10-15 points:
You're so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep contemplating that navel (unless you gave it up for Lint.)
15-20 points:
You are a highly conscious being, and with a little good karma and a nice haircut you'll go a long way.
20-25 points: You are close to God-realization--early August at the latest. May I pin this flower on you?
[EDIT: Yikes, Moonbeam will never forgive me. I misspelled "enlightenment."]
